Monday wanes philosophic

Bed ways is right ways, but a comment to the world at large before sleep steals my soul.
   We all live in our own world. We have control over our world and no one else's. We may touch and influence those around us, but ultimately they are in control of their own destinies. Our children make their own minds up even as infants. We can offer and help shape, but no one can make up all the decisions. Even in acquiescing we make that decision. In that way we come at the world as individuals. No one has lived your life and you cannot live anyone else's. Your burdens are your own. If we reach out and ask for help and get nothing, that is all we can expect. If someone reaches out and offers a hand when we are fallen and dirty, this is a joy we can cherish. We might fall at something big or something little. Who is to say that my big is not really little or your little is truly huge. It is all relative. We can only view it through our own filter. Ultimately we can only live our own life, so what does it matter what the next person's burden is. We all have our burdens and they are own own to carry. Mine is mine and not anyone else's. It is as much as I can and need to carry. I do not need to worry that someone else's burden looks different than mine. We can help and offer to share. That is a beautiful thing, but it does not always happen. At times it should not happen either, as we only live one life and it is ours. It is yours alone. You walk side by side, not in each other's footsteps. If you are lucky enough to have someone to walk beside. Some days you may see no one, but you would be surprised that some days when it feels like you will never see a soul again an army of angels is there helping to carry the load. I can look at my darkest hours and see the angels. Some days they were subtle. Some days it was overwhelming. I share, but this is my experience. Mine alone that I cannot replicate or do over. I control me. Myself alone. That is enough. Enough for me. Enough for one night. Enough for anyone.

Bed shopping

   More sunshine and even a little warmth today. How wonderful! While we talked of going for a walk in the woods, we ended up spending the day mattress shopping. Who would have guessed that a 4 1/2 year old would be so picky? She has been sleeping on an old hand-me-down foam mattress that probably has the faint hint of old urine, but all the beautiful beds we bounced on today were "not the right one!" She is four and has the opinion of her Dad. Has to try every mattress in every store. None of them good enough for her. Of course until the very last store, that is. Perhaps it was the fear that no mattress would be bought, but she finally started to warm up to a few beds. All day I was hearing "too soft" and "not the one!", but finally lunch kicked in and decisions were made. Hurray, we found one! My credit card took the hit, but for a good cause to be sure. T will enjoy her new bed for many sleeps to come and have the joy of being kicked out whenever Grandma comes to visit. We even left behind a little puddle as painful payment  from the training three-year-old that gamely followed along from store to store all day. Poor R!
   Now all I have to do is finish putting the bed together before the bed arrives in a week's time. Only have to add the the hangers (and hope they are all even). The rails slide into the hangers, so that shouldn't be a problem. I am sure it will be a beautiful thing once it is all together. It will be a bed for a princess! Only 2 1/2 months from the time since we first spied her heart's desire at Aberfoyle. I work slow, but might finish this task! Perhaps tomorrow the sunshine will grace us again and we will enjoy it's warmth in the country. Fingers crossed.

 

Autumn rays

It is a beautiful sunny Friday, the first one of November. It could be the first sunny day of November too, if I thought long enough about it. I debate going outside to rake the last of the leaves, but my little darlings are sleeping soundly. I kind of want them to join me, but do not want to wake them. I was looking at the pictures we took from last weekend in the leaves and just love the outdoors this time of year. The sky has such a crisp colour. Whether it be set against the backdrop of blazing leaves or as it sits now bare branches, it is wonderful to soak up the fleeting sunshine. It just makes you want to smile. Soon enough snowflakes will rule our world, but for now the sunshine provides nourishment to the psyche. Perhaps I should wake the bears?

Random Things that Cross my World this Evening

Goose eggs and iced foreheads
Hallowe'en candy pumpkins slowly leaking sugar, drip, drip, drip into children's veins
vegetables shells with yummy shrimp (good thing, as bland sauce )
Dinner eaten - little insistent prompting (oh miracle!)
Plates scraped and put in dishwasher
quiet night to soak in TT
Books on nightstand
children's smiles
Playdates
empty wine glass
pajamas
Hugs

Hugs

The children are abed.
Quiet. Do they sleep?
Lovely, end of day desirous of me
Poor me that is pushed out
for Mommy reigns supreme. Always

My choice, but not this way.

How did I lose myself?
How do I fit me in beside Mommy?
Me is important.
Me makes Mommy a nicer person.
Me holds life in her hands. All life.
Forever life.
Mine and every path I cross.

smile.
Pass it on
Children laugh
Hugs stretch across generations
and heal the world.
My world.
all worlds

New Music

Well, I am just thrilled to have found some new music, compliments of Blogger. I was browsing through a few sites and found a band that just tickles my fancy. Iron and Wine is acoustic folk I guess. Very melodic and beautiful. It feels like it caresses the soul and makes the heart a little lighter. I am really grooving on it. It fits in with my jazz, blues movement as of late. Very cool.

So I have paint gracing my knuckles this evening. This makes me happy. I am working for a friend again this fall. She makes hand-crafted animal-inspired knick-knack things (clocks, menorahs, Christmas ornaments, etc.). I get to paint messy messy and chat with others. Oh, and get a few bucks at the end of it. A bonus at Christmas time. It gives my brain a break from some of the things it usually gnaws at and this is also a good thing. I find that I come home and don't worry about my usual frets. They are losing their power at the moment and I appreciate that. I hope that the power continues. So looking at my hands and seeing paint lets me know I am moving forward in a positive way. Ahh, lovely.

Hey, there is a smile flitting across my face... Nice :)

November begins

Oops, I missed yesterday. I have noticed that my blog entries had been more numerous, so aspired that perhaps I would write every day in the month of November. Oh well. Maybe almost every day. Perhaps the month of December I will be that much better at this, so therefore will be writing something meaningful every day.

Or maybe not.

So far not inspired tonight. Perhaps it is because I am battling a cold. Perhaps because I am distracted by a friend on FB. Perhaps because I worked today and am tired. Yes, you heard me correct, I worked today. Just a short-term thing, but right up my alley. I am back to the land of messy messy painting and solving all the problems of the universe over a cup of joe and a paint brush. Art therapy began today and will last for 3-4 weeks, maybe longer if I am lucky. I don't get paid well, but I do get paid to help create nifty, crafty, colouful pieces. Yeah for me. Especially as it is only 2 days a week. Perfect!

Changing of the Seasons

The wind has won against the leaves on my tears. Oops, what a wierd slight of hand. I am going to leave it in, despite the homage I was going to pay to trees. It looks so stark with my the yellow swathes gone from the sky outside my window. I really enjoyed being bathed in a vibrant burnt yellow world. The fall sunshine brought incredible contrast with reds and yellows competing in trees  and a backdrop of crisp blue to fill my colour palette. I was in heaven in a rainbow. I soaked it in and pulled power from the sky.

The leaves are gone though. The last straggling few hold on tight to barren branches belying the coming of a wintery world. Oh, sunshine you are so precious as our glowing orb retreats from us. Retreat back into warm burrows as chill gusts take our breath away. Winter has not yet begun, but I can feel it in my bones. As we pull on crazy costumes, I shall tuck mini-mittens on mini-fingers. Goodbye Summer, goodbye Fall. Welcome hibernation to sit by the fire and sip at a glass of shiraz with me. Tuck in my new books, under my toasty throw and say goodnight.

Happy H(1n1)lloween!

So it is confirmed. My little girlie does have an issue aside from wanting to bug me. Those darn ears will not leave her alone! Another ear infection. Hopefully that is all, but with our present H1N1 fears raging I was sweating it a little. All the way up to pandemic now. Crazy that this happens in this day and age. Are we not all so super paranoid with our antibacterial soaps and gels. They are commonplace features everywhere now. We have had to re- learn how to sneeze and seem to be becoming fearful enough to potentially give up on handshakes, let alone hugs! I have debated quarantining ourselves and cancelled plans for birthday parties. What craziness is this! Surprising that Halloween is not cancelled for the year. My kids are already bummed about not getting to see their cousins for the weekend. Stupid germs. We need a little more dirt in our life to give our good germs a chance. Wave off the antibacterial gels that wipe out everything in their path. With everything gone we have nothing left to fight!

Ack, who am I kidding? I cannot create a good rant. I am just sulking because my weekend has been ripped off. We have our pumpkin and we shall trick or treat tomorrow. Perhaps I will have a drink tucked into my arm (despite knowing that one should avoid alcohol, caffeine and get lots of sleep) as we scream trick or treat to the masses in our hood. Watch out, we bring the plague in our loot bags! For our treat, the trick is not to get sick! HAAH! BOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sick Baby

   So my day started out fine and normal, as noted. Special day this as I have thrown in many comments today. Field trip was cancelled, but not overly surprising. I managed to get some shopping done, raked some leaves, ate lunch and talked to someone about sharing a ride to my therapeutic touch training that starts tomorrow. I was even offered some temporary work for a few weeks. Life is good! I go to yoga, infuse about my TT and new book club that I have joined before class and slide in to relax. My phone rings half way through class. Never good. It is the daycare. Worse. They never call unless there is a problem. R has sprouted a fever. Ack! First thoughts, H1N1, followed swiftly by thoughts of the perfectly healthy 13-year old boy that died earlier this week from it. Panic!! I flew into daycare and the poor thing was flat out on their couch. She looked up and said "Mommy". Motrin helped to bring her fever down once we got home. She even ate some. I was redosing her just now though as the meds had worn off and her temp was spiking. Not a very lively girl. I suspect there won't be much sleep tonight, if her meds wear off in the middle of the night. My poor little girl. Sleep well and dream of cool blue refreshing waterfalls and gentle white snowflakes melting away your fever as they land on you. Sleep well world.

Good morning

The day has dawned gray. The ground is wet suggesting it rained at some point in the pre-dawn. The girls are scheduled to go on a field trip this morning to go apple picking. It was cancelled last week due to rain. Hard to tell if it will happen today or not. I can think of running around I could do if it does get cancelled. Funny that I have some hope for rain. The lawn is extremely yellow calling, nay fairly screaming to get out and rake. Time is precious this week though. Anon, time for school.

UPDATE: Wellthe trip was cancelled, although it was actually quite pleasant. Guess what! I even got out and raked some leaves!Ha, six bags of them. Plus the bags I raked last week brings the total up to 11 sitting on the curb. Next week is yard waste week and with us going away, I wanted to make a bit of a dent in the front yard. I have to admit, it was much prettier before I raked though. A good meditation.

New Look

I decided to shake life up a bit this evening. I added some slight changes to my blog page. New colour (the old one was sophisticated, but making me feel drab and dreary). With Autumn colours brilliant outside, I thought I should add a little more colour to my outside edges too.An additional sidebar list, which I will attempt to keep up to date. Some books on my bedside table have been there a while collecting dust (sorry Farley! No offence Catherine), but others are library books and some temporary feel- good titles (ahh,Khalil!) I have joined a new book club, so will probably have some different titles cross my path in the future. I think this is a good thing, as some of my titles are a little too deep and thought-provoking. A good fiction piece is nice to give the poor brain some much-needed leisure time. My poor journal lives there constantly, but has not seen much attention as of late. It goes in fits and starts sometimes and that is all right. It is time for bed though and hopefully my brain will agree with me and find sleep soon. Fingers crossed!

Autumn images

I gaze out my wondow at a beautiful golden yellow world. The leaves are resplendant in their fall coats. Never mind the carpet on the grass. Also beautiful, but reminding me that I have work to do. On the list and near the top; RAKE LEAVES. Next week the weather is slated to get cooler, therefore I should be out there attacking them while the weather is marginally warmer. I sit inside though and admire. I met Murray for coffee this morning. Returned home to scarf a quick lunch and make a couple calls. There are more calls to return, but a visit from a friend curtailed other activities. I am all about being in the present and letting go of what is less important. Face time is important. I cherish it. Therefore the leaves decorate our corner for a little while longer. The angel wings I felt on my back yesterday are there for a reason. I think I got them for my dedication to people. They help me to fly and elevate myself from the large vat of pain that dangles beneath me. What does that mean? Only my sub-concious knows and I have not given it voice today.

Pretty leaves. Yellow world.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

I am home. My kids are home. My cat is home from the vet and should remain that way for the next little while. My pocketbook sighs with relief. It was almost looking like we were going to have to cancel R's birthday, for all the money pouring into Miss Kitty's vet bills. She is happy and eating again, with no barf in sight and not stepped into yet. Nothing worse than stepping in cat barf in bare feet first thing in the morning on the way to the bathroom to pee, BEFORE I have my morning coffee into me. Just sets a nasty tone for the day, I have to tell you.

That is all I have tonight, as I am tired and bed is calling. The dedication was lovely and not too many tears were shed. None by me surprisingly (as I leak constantly over almost anything), but I was trying to convince R to be quiet while the speeches were going on. Almost three-year-olds don't like to be told anything, especially to be quiet, but she did get to clap (although was wondering where the music had been since she was clapping. She loves to clap. There were cookies too. Life doesn't get much better than cookies. I have to agree on that point.

rambling

Oh my, it is Wednesday and I have not written anything since Sunday! Corrie is putting me to shame ;) Just teasing Corrie! I am enjoying the process of blogging, whether I have many readers or not. I was daring and introduced my blog to my Mother, which she cautioned me about. I have let "friends" on facebook peruse my inner workings and have not fallen prey to all the ills in the world, although I am sure there is still time for that. I write about experiences from my day and thoughts from my head. It is therapeutic and I like it. I have surprised myself for sticking with it fairly faithfully as well. I started this blog in the spring in a halting manner, but have been fairly regular this fall. Pat on the back from me!

So what is new in my world? My poor kitty is sick and the vet is not quite sure what is wrong with her. She appears to be steadily draining my bank account, but I am okay with that to a certain extent. It is hard to deny health for a member of the family. This has caused me some stress this week, but I countered that with sonic drumming tonight and my weekly dinner with Nancy, David and Ella last night. I get to see my sister tomorrow for a quick visit. She is coming into town for a somber affair, but a good one. My Aunt renovated the courtyard at the high school in Dorchester with some of the funds from Meagan's trust fund. For those of you who are not in the know, my cousin Meagan died in a skiing accident about a year and a half ago. We have all been shaken up by it, but my Aunt (her Mother) put her energy into redoing the courtyard in Meagan's memory. The official dedication is tomorrow evening. My Mother and Step-Father will be in town as well, so it will be a bittersweet gathering. A beautiful legacy for a life lost too soon. Sigh...

And I also did some writing today. I kind of have this notion that one day a book will pour forth from me. When I can I sit down and write some of it down. I am not sure if I will ever see the end of it or if it will ever go to print, but it is a cathartic affair none the less. And now it is bed time, as we were up early this morning that got cancelled due to weather. Tomorrow may need some extra reserves in the emotional department though. Anon, goodnight

Sunny Days -FALL

Sunshine all weekend; how wonderful is that? We tried to take advantage of the good weather and soak up as much vitamin D as we could. We raked leaves and went for a walk on Friday, got pictures taken at Westminster Ponds on Saturday and went to Apple Land Station to frolic at the sand hill and pick the last of the apples today. I was very glad to have so much beautiful weather to appreciate after a crummy previous week. Perhaps our Indian Summer(What a funny phrase. Here's hoping the kids will sleep well for all the fresh air. Hopefully me too! Maybe my brain will be kind and leave me alone to sleep tonight. Fingers crossed. For all the joys, my brain still manages to churn when I go to bed. We all have our demons that plague us don't we?

Thank You

I want to offer thanks. Thanks to the sunshine and thanks to the trees. Thanks to the colourful leaves that litter my front lawn and the forest floors. Thanks to nap time and play time. Thanks to Laura for taking portraits for us today and thanks to the teenager who got our meal right at McDonalds afterwards. Thanks to my Mother, sister and neighbours for being there to listen when I need it. Thanks to Corrie for being there to read my thoughts when they spring forth from me. :)

And a big thank you to me for being here to enjoy it all...
Welcome Fall

In the moment

On a cool day like today, I did what felt right. I went shopping. I should have raked leaves in the front yard, as it is yard waste week and they have not been by yet, but that did not happen. Nope, I went shopping. I bought rump roast and raspberries, sand paper and metal paint, a cruet set and crystal condiment bowl, running shoes for R and a birthday present for Mc. Whew! There was more in my bags when I returned home, but I am sure that you do not care. I will probably not care when I read over this later. I had a good day though. I visited my new favourite farmer at the farmer's market downtown. I slowly perused the antique market on the edge of town. I subjected my self to a Walmart Superstore. It was all good. A simple day. In the moment, with brain shut off to other thoughts. What a good practice. Topped off with pizza and a movie. A glorious day!

Wednesday - Yoga for the soul

I went to do the last of my gardening for Michelle today. I really did not do too terribly much out in the garden, to be fair, but its immediate need was winding to a close. The frost in the air has signalled the end of active gardening for the season. The outside world tasks change to leaf raking, putting away of hoses and garden ornaments, planting spring bulbs and pulling up summer ones. My season of gardening is done.

It is a heavy feel. I made a difference for Michelle and offered what I could. She appreciated the help. It was a precious gift. So where do I go from here? I have been watching Murray and feeling for him in his waning days with the love of his life. Now she is gone. Now he is alone and must accept that so that he can move on to the next stage of his life. It is nowhere near as easy to do as the writing of it may suggest. While I was visiting with Murray I kept on saying "This is hard work." It is the hardest work one could ever imagine having to do. It is physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically exhausting. Anyone who has ever touched loss in an intimate way would probably have more to add to this, but for those who haven't it is a start. I have to stop though. This is Murray's journey. Murray must make this trek on his own. I am giving him emotions through my experience and that does not do him justice or ultimately myself. I was reminded this afternoon that I still need to take care of me. At two years into the loss of my beloved husband and partner, I was told I am still fresh in my grief. I still have far to go. How can that be?

Life is quite the journey with many lessons to learn. My lesson today was that I do matter. I mattered to Michelle for a brief while, so that she could savour her garden one last time. I mattered to Murray, so that I could give him more time with Michelle and sharing of stories both good and bad. I matter to Randolph, who seems to think that I am a worthy person and is happy to see that I am beginning to believe it. I matter to my children, who run with smiles and screaming "Mommy!" with joy when I come to pick them up from daycare. I know that I could add many more to the list and it is a good thing. The last person I will add today though is a woman who used to attend yoga with me over a year ago. She was recovering from cancer treatments and was doing well, but had other health concerns at the time. She started into my class again today. After class she walked over to me and asked when we had seen each other last. I was reminded again of how I touch people as she shared that she had gone through another bout of cancer completely unrelated to the first. She more or less pushed and diagnosed some of it herself. She knew something was wrong with her and praised yoga and its ability to get oneself in touch with one's body as helping her to do this. Whether she believed in the benefits of yoga before, she overwhelming believes know. And she walked over to me and had to share her story with me. I know her, but only through once a week yoga from over a year ago. It touched me that she felt the need to share with me. I must mean something to her too. Not the world, but just a little piece of it. It makes me smile. It is good.

Thanksgiving

What profound things can I come up with tonight? The passing of the turkey gauntlet perhaps? Yes, my sister spoke it aloud and my Mother subtly agreed. We are being groomed for the next generation of responsible adults. Now that we have children of our own, my Mother figured she would suggest my sister put on Thanksgiving dinner. I offered to come help put it all together, which sissy agreed to. So the girls and I arrived at Aunt K's house Saturday for a leisurely Saturday afternoon/evening. We took the kids to the park Sunday morning before we got into dinner prep too heavy, then got down and dirty. Lunch done and kids dispersed and turkey showdown 2009 began.

Sissy sauntered up to the bird, warming up to the task at hand. A little water to rinse it, make everyone more comfortable, then before you could blink her hand was shoved into its vast cavity. The neck removed, she held it open so I could fill the hole. To appease relatives not even dining with us for the meal, I concocted dressing and stuffed the turkey full. Task done, Sissy soothed the poor birds ruffled (feathers? nope gone already) by greasing it up with oil. Lowering our sacrificial bird into the tray, the oven door beckoned and the roasting began. Much basting ensued, while other vegetables were prepared. My Mother and step-father arrived and while offered drinks, were relegated to the role of guest. My Mom desperately tried to get into the kitchen to peek at the turkey or help with anything she could "do you want me to make the gravy?". Her advances were repulsed and she was relegated to kid-duty. Chagrined on the outside (I am sure she was in her glory, despite her inability to let go of control), she accepted her fate.

With sparkling brand new gloves I approached the oven. This was the moment, I am sure my Aunt missed most. I know Brad watched probably laughing and shaking his head while sucking on a beer. He would have been pleased to have someone else take control, but always enjoyed something done right. The kitchen was his domain and he did it all right. So I stood by with gloves on, watching as Auntie K pulled the turkey out of the oven. It was my time to shine. The bird was glistening and brown. It was time. I stepped forward, reached in and flipped the bird. And it was good. I felt Brad smile.

The turkey browned a little longer as we chatted and sipped on Caesars. Food called, so work resumed. While potatoes were mashed, I returned to my bird. While letting it rest, I sharpened all of Sissy's knives, searching for the heft I desired. Making my choice, I turned to the turkey. Again I asked for Brad's divine intervention. The carving was done by my hand and it too was good. More smiles from my erstwhile teacher. The meal was served and grace was said. Uncle A fell into soup making, even before the last bite was taken. Homemade pies graced the table. Kids were sent to bed. We breathed and relaxed and gave thanks for family. Cards were played, drinks were sipped and conversation flowed. Congratulations to a meal well made and well received. Sissy survived her first turkey feast. Happy Thanksgiving!

End of the Week

Let's take a little ole peek at my life. Do I need to be where I am? Should I be doing what I am doing? This week has been difficult as the lady I was gardening for died. When I met her, I knew she was in the last stage of her life. She was dying and it would be sooner rather than later. Should I have let that into my life? Do I need another taste of death and dying? Many kind-hearted people have suggested maybe not. I am a feeler, full of emotion. Why put myself in a position where you know you are going to lose someone in your life? And now the funeral is this afternoon. Should I go to it? Do I really need to walk down that path and open myself up to fresh pain?

Well, when I got the idea into my head to do some gardening and help people in need, I don't think I specifically went looking for someone who was going to die. Especially not while I was actively involved with them. Believe it or not, I know that I am a leaky soul and that might be a hard thing to bear. Michelle came into my life and was handed to me for a reason. I really liked going over to her house and working in her garden. I have an affinity for the earth and feel that tending to it brings happiness; to the earth, me and whomever else happens to appreciate it. Michelle appreciated it immensely. I was her hands and her eyes. She could not get into her cherished garden anymore to get dirt under her fingernails and see what needed to be done. I visited her the day that she died and brought her some flowers from my garden. I described the flowers I brought and her husband expressed that he felt her soul was smiling for the simple gift. Even while I sit here with tears in my eyes, I smile. I gave a precious gift and get the knowledge of that to take with me. I was one small little part of a woman's life, but I gave her something she wanted and appreciated when she could not do it herself. That is huge and I feel that. I am a good person. I am telling myself that, not you in case you were wondering.

And what did it cost me? Pain of loss. It is a familiar place and yes it takes me back to my bigger loss of Brad. Many things take me back to the loss of Brad though. I spent a few hours once a week doing something I love to do; gardening. I have the time to fit it into my schedule. I collected a few plants from Michelle's garden as I thinned plants for her. I shared some of my story with Murray. I knew that I did not have to know all of Michelle and Murray's story and tried to protect my heart. Murray needed the friend. He needed the help. I was a friend by giving him one less thing to do and subsequently more time with Michelle. How is that for a gift? I gave him time. Wow. That is pretty sweet Katherine.

So I take my tears and cherish them. I am not afraid of death and dying. I am familiar with them and know how hard they are. Too many people do not want to know this part of life, but it exists. Death makes life that much sweeter. My tears are sweet and beautiful and I would do it again in a heartbeat for the smiles and heartfelt appreciation I got in return. Better than anything I can think of.
So will I do it again? Again people have suggested that perhaps it is too hard a road to travel. It is a hard road. I know that I do not have to walk down death's path to make me a better person. Truthfully, I would like not to have to lose parts of my life and people in it. If I get another opportunity to help someone, I suspect I will gladly offer my time again. Perhaps for the elderly, the sick or just one with lack of time. I have been allowed to garden in a few other gardens and was rewarded by the earth's sigh of appreciation without having to lose anyone or anything. I take what life hands me. I pray that I can handle the challenges that will present. I sit back and realize the gift of time that I have been offered these last few years and hope that I do not waste them. I have not so far. What does tomorrow hold?

Excerpt from a chat with a special friend

October 7
9:17pm Cristie
HEY

DID YOU find out about your lady friend?

9:17pm Katherine
hello

yes, she died last night

9:17pm Cristie
:(

9:18pm Katherine
I found out when i went to Wellspring for yoga today

9:18pm Cristie
Her husband must be really upset

9:18pm Katherine
one of the volunteers grabbed me as soon as I walked in and took me to the back room to tell me.

I haven't talked to him.

He would be really busy this week.

He won't have time to really crash until later

He is starting on a really shitty path.

9:19pm Cristie
how come

9:20pm Katherine>It is somehow worse than when the person is dying

9:20pm Cristie
as in dealing with her death path?

9:21pm Katherine
Grief, when it comes to the loss of a spouse is difficult as it encompasses so many levels. Death of the person, your hopes and dreams of the future, your identity (you used to be A and B, now you are just A)and so much more

When they are dying it is hard and stressful, but the person is still there

9:22pm Cristie
yes, i can understand that

Are you still as upset as you once were??

or is it a different level now of grief?

9:26pm Katherine
Grief takes a long time to work through. There are so many things to process and accept. The hardest part is making a new life. The first year is acute grief over the loss of the person. After that it turns into loss of self and life as you knew it and figuring out how to put the pieces back together again to a new puzzle. Different pieces to the same puzzle. They don't fit the same way and you have to discard some pieces and find new ones. A lot of work.

9:27pm Cristie
yeesh

Are you still trying to put pieces together?

9:28pm Katherine
oh yeah

9:28pm Cristie
do you still cry everyday?

or miss him as you once did

9:29pm Katherine
ha, I have a long way to go yet until I can say the new path is sturdy under my feet

9:30pm Katherine
Brad will always be a part of my life. He is no longer here in the flesh and I miss him terribly sometimes, but I know he is not coming back. I cannot change that.

Sometimes something little will set me off or I will just get tired and frustrated at having to do everything alone

that is my lot in life right now though

I am meeting new people who are positive influences on my life and becoming happier with who I am or at least not hating me

I am learning how to love myself again

9:33pm Cristie
That is important

9:33pm Katherine
This is all much harder work than I ever thought it would be. A lot longer too.

9:34pm Cristie
I can't imagine how hard.........

9:36pm Katherine
It takes so long to fight your way through the haze of physical grief. Then coming to the realization that there is still so much more to do is staggering.

I don't want to do it all

9:37pm Katherine
I wish I could just go and be normal, but my life is on a completely different path and I am learning that I have to sit down and face it if i am to take that next step and move on



I felt like our conversation had a lot of good questions and valid insights. I do not claim to know it all. I just know my path. Writing it down helps me to look at it myself and perhaps know and understand better. Whether anyone reads this or not is a mute point if catharsis is the goal. Thanks for offering me your time if you read this though.

Bad days help us appreciate the good days

Thanks for the inspiration Corrie. I need this medicine myself today. I am sad, because the lady I was gardening for died last night. She let me into her life and I let them into mine. I have a right to be sad. It is not nice to lose someone. What I have to remind myself of is that this loss is not my loss. No that is not right. I am losing a part of my life, but I do not have to take on the pain of Murray's loss. His life is the loss of spouse to start and it gets much bigger from there. I feel his pain, as I have walked in similar shoes. These are not my shoes today though. They just remind me of my own journey and I remember how painful that time period was. I am not there though. I have so much compassion and empathy, but I have to be able to give space for my own heart to be strong and sure in offering someone else support in grief.I can be sad, but I do not have to relive my worst moments. That is not necessary or helpful at the moment. So here is my words of wisdom to a friend today, that I will listen to again myself.

"We all have our bad days. We all have our issues. They are our issues and are important to us. Allow yourself a bad day and be okay with that. We don't allow ourselves to have down days, whether they are deserved or not. If where you are at right now sucks "It SUCKS!". Don't compare it to anyone else's. Legitimize your own life and your own feelings. You are valid and they are valid. You don't have to have the worst day of anyone ever, you just have to allow that you are not at your best. It is hard to do, but you can feel better for allowing yourself to be. You only have one life to live and it is your life, not anyone else's. Let yourself live it.

I think I might have to CC this to my blog. And listen to my words myself..."

The Circle of Life

The weather has been pretty wet and, dare I say it, crappy the last couple of weeks. We have had more rain than sun. It is hard on the psyche. It is also hard on time management when you have outside chores to do. Last week the only day without rain in these parts was Thursday, so I hurredly planted some bulbs for Brad. I then ran home and cut the grass in my yard, hoping that was the last time. The whole while I was looking at the calendar trying to figure out when I was going to get out to Michelle's house. The weather did not co-operate. The weekend broke and with kids in tow I cannot garden at my house, let alone someone else's.

So today dawned gray, but not raining. As I lay in bed flip-flopping last night I thought about calling Michelle first thing in the morning to head to her house in the morning. I dropped off the girls and the vehicle veered towards downtown. A quick stop at Corner Furniture to check for bed hardware ended up seeing me drive all the way across town to Lee Valley, then Home Depot for appropriate screws. All the while no rain. I arrived home at lunch, figured it was too late to go over to Michelle's, so made soup out of the pumpkin that I had cut up in the fridge. I was supposed to make the soup the day before, but got waylaid by a trip out to O'Sheas with Paul and Jordan. Perhaps a wrong call there, as when I went to turn the cucumbers that I bought Saturday afternoon into pickles this afternoon, I found them rotting! Ack. So, instead of calling Michelle to make a date for gardening tomorrow, I ended up running back out to Thomas Brothers (farmers market) to get more cucmbers, only to find them done for the season. A lot of running, for naught.

I finally slowed down enough to pick up T and R from daycare with a quick gab in to David. T's suggestion of pizza for dinner was well received, so "Monsters Inc" entertained us while we dined gourmet style. At 7:30 I thought to call Michelle about tomorrow. The phone rang and rang and was finally picked up by Michelle's sister. I knew it wasn't her, but asked anyway. I knew that it was bad, as soon as she said who it was. She said "they" figure Michelle will not make it through the night. Stop

When I got the idea of gardening for people in my head, I knew it could be like this. Or did I? I helped a woman out during her last days. She loved her garden and I just wanted her to still be able to love it, despite not having the strength to give it attention herself. I am so sad right now though. Not that I knew Michelle that well. I did not know her or Murray at all before knocking on their door a month and a half ago. It is such a difficult time of life though. Death is a very hard process. My heart aches for Murray. Michelle was such a strong and positive lady. I am honoured to have met her and been allowed to get to know even a little bit of her. Goodbye Michelle. Be at peace.

Sunday

Rainy afternoon. Sigh. It seems like all it has down for the last week or so is rain. We have fit in some kid fun in between raindrops. This morning the girls and I went to O'Sheas. We were there last weekend with Nancy, David and Ella, but had different company this Sunday. I guess I am testing my strength, as we went with Paul and Jordan. Why do I do this to myself? I did well, smiling and cheery the whole time. Jordan asked Paul if she could get together with the girls for a play date and he called. I have had no communication with him since he texted me that we were over. Why did I agree to spend two seconds with him, let alone an afternoon? For the girls I guess. To test myself, but I am sick of being strong. Every day I tell myself that I will NOT call him. Am I ready for such innocence as a play date? Hmmph, I guess I survived. Yeah to me, I am strong. whipdee

Wednesday

I should be in bed. It is after my bedtime and I always lie in bed flip-flopping for a while before falling asleep. I suspect that I am beginning to dread slipping in between the sheets for that unsuspecting enemy to pounce (my brain!). All the things I avoid by doing fun things like vacuuming, laundry, canning and coffee surface when I try to turn off for the night.

"what am I going to do tomorrow?"
"What am I going to be when I grow up?"
"When am I not going to be lonely all the time and be happy with my own company?"

That is a hard one. They are all hard actually, but the last one seems to dictate how the other ones will go. I had a good conversation over my coffee today with a sage man who has entered my life. Ron has been married for almost 40 years and has seen much good and bad in his life. He has had many doubts and battles, victories and stalemates. He is another person who believes in me. I have people in my life that are my champions. They think I am a wonderful person and wonder why I don't too. Why don't I? I am kind and generous to those around me. I seem to even have my kids fooled into thinking that. I view the world as a good place, where the potential to learn surrounds us. I try to think generously of most people. Our faults are a product of our environment and history and do not make us bad people. Everyone has redeeming features. Even me. I am a beautiful person. Yes, I am. This is me testing the waters to see if I believe this. I think there is merit in my praise, but am just not comfortable with loving kindness. This is my stumbling block that I need to work on. When I can offer myself loving kindness, the world will open to me. I know it. Really, the only one that matters out there is me. Once I love me, then I will be comfortable with all the love that the world has to offer. I can accomplish much with that love.

So the problem? I am scared. I am stuck behind a habit of not loving me. It comes with grief, but I suspect there is more there. Time is offering me insights.

Tonight, I need to sleep. That will help me be kind to me tomorrow. The sigh ends the day...

Autumn

Autumn can be a beautiful time of year. The falling leaves are pretty and litter my house, due to another lover of nature in my midst. Last year, T's cubby at daycare had no bottom, for the leaves that accumulated there. I can spy two pretty red, yellow and green maple leaves tucked under a toddler chair from where I sit. Goodbye summer!

The weather has changed. Fall has definitely arrived. Time for the shorts to say goodbye for another season. The sweaters and dreaded socks must be pulled on. All the canning I have done this fall should have been an indicator, but the wind and clouds have blown away my smiles. I am going into hibernation. Inaction seems to be creeping in. A few more batches of canned treats to make, just to fill the hours.

How come I cannot just wake up when my life returns to spring? So much work. I do not feel like I have the strength or will to make it happen today. Maybe another day.

Credo

This is taken from something offered to me at a favourite place of mine; Wellspring. They have been a centre of love and healing for me. I have leaned on them in time of need. They give back with smiles and hugs. They let me know I am not alone and I am worthy. That resonates with me today. Here is the credo:

CREDO
I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time, energy and determination. I won't get over "it" in a hurry, so don't rush me!

I believe grief is intensely personal. This is my grief. Don't tell me how I should be doing it. Don't tell me what's right or what's wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time.

I believe grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially and mentally. If I'm not acting like my old self, it's because I'm not my old self and some days even I don't understand myself.

I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be part of my life and influence me until the day I die.

I believe I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren't. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to, are now important. I think a new "ME" is emerging, so don't be surprised - and don't stand in the way.

Letting Go

*Ok Laura, this one's for you! I think you have slipped in there too Corrie.

Change is hard. People often offer platitudes of "it will be okay" or "you'll adjust". When it comes right down to it though, it isn't okay and you often do not want to adjust. Sometimes we seek change, but often change happens. Change can be the loss of a spouse, child or friend, moving to a new home, starting a new job/career/school or even waking up in the morning. Change happens every day.

Why is change often so scary? It is something new. It may offer brilliant new opportunities and wonderful new people. Or it may challenge our concept of who we are and who we want to be seen as. It can bring unknown experiences that may be good or bad. Sometimes change brings pain. We are leaving the old me behind. Life will not be as it was before and there is security in the familiar. It does not always matter if that familiarity is positive or negative. It is familiar.

Alas, we cannot avoid life and the inevitable steps forward it brings. It is okay to mourn what we have had. I feel we respect ourselves and that time to offer it a sad goodbye. Change is hard and we need to allow that it is hard. Life is a never ending challenge and we are all warriors for getting up and facing that change every day. However much we may want or not want it, life happens. Lean on me and we will get by.

Glory days of Fall

As you may be able to guess from my last post, I have been keeping busy the last little while with some canning. I am absolutely tickled by my activities in the kitchen. Today I made strawberry jam. It was made from berries picked yesterday by my children, niece, sister and me. I also have salsa bubbling on the stove as we speak, again from tomatoes selected from the field by myself. Last week, my endeavours were pickled beets and dill pickles. I had never made either, so we shall find out in a few months how my first attempt at pickling went. It is all a very earthy and satisfying process that I am glorying in.

And to top it all off, I have laundry blowing on the line. I am so crunchy granola it is silly. I love it!

Loving Kindness

I suppose that some day my sensitive edge will be worn down a little. I am not always sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Sad movies, sensitive comments and poignant recollections can all bring me to tears or at least the brink of. I think that is just who I am.

Today I was praised for my efforts to help another soul at a time when they have need. I am doing some gardening for a woman who is dying of lymphoma. I reflected on where this woman and her husband are in their life and how it felt when I was there (tears in memory and the back of my throat). Nothing can change where she is, but sometimes kindnesses can make it better. I have been shown kindnesses from extraordinary and surprising people. Giving to Michelle in some ways is giving back to me. While in my weekly yoga class, I was reminded to be kind to myself, as well as others in our world. While a general thought put out there in class, I felt like it could have been directed solely at myself. I have a hard time being kind to myself, but am trying to work on that. First step is recognition that I am harder on myself than I deserve.

I was also touched by an old friend's step out of her comfort bounds (feeling like it had a teensy wee bit to do with me). Life hands everyone challenges. I do not have the hardest or saddest story out there. We all have our stories to tell and crosses to bear. Do I truly know this? For a long time after Brad died, I honestly did not care about other people's miseries and trials. I have been told that is typical of grief and normal. In beating myself up and challenging my confidences, am I just fooling myself that I have that saddest, worst story to tell? Poor me? I want to let it go, but that is the cross I have chosen to bear at present. If others can see my worthiness and strengths, perhaps some day the shackles of my biggest enemy, mine own self, will fall off and be set free. Perhaps I do not need to share these deepest darkest demons, but I know we all have our demons. I believe that speaking them and exposing them takes some of their ultimate power away. At least that is a hope and faith that I carry.

Sunny days

I had the generous pleasure of working in someone's garden today. I have been given the opportunity to take someone's personal space that they love and make it a little better. The woman is very ill and is allowing me to putter in her corner of the world. She has a beautiful garden and I get to freshen it up. It makes the earth smile, her and her husband smile and myself smile right back. It feels wonderful and the smile that it put on my face was reflected back at me from several other people over the rest of the day. I thrive on those smiles and hugs. They mean as much from strangers as from old friends and they all equate to a better world. Hopefully tomorrow someone will share a smile with me that will shine through the rest of my day. Maybe my own genuine smile will brighten someone else's day and that will touch you too ...

Trying to go through life looking for new meaning is just plain old hard work. I get up in the morning and think "Maybe today is the day that inspiration will reach out and hand me a new life path to tread on". I keep hoping that divine inspiration will find me and graciously lead me to where I ought to be. I tentatively peek through newspapers and in new web sites I come across. It has happened in the past. Maybe it will happen again.

Or maybe I will have to sit down and work at it. Perhaps I will actually have to contact a career counsellor and figure out the path in front of me. I might have to actually dig the path and pave it with more than just wishes and dreams. Watch out resume! I might just brush you off and creak open the closet to find work apparel. Anyone need a helper? I can garden, and run errands, and am flexible ...

I have an idea in my head that has been rolling around since the spring. It seems to be finding a bit of a footing in my world and I am rather excited by it. I would love feedback from anyone. Interested parties in receiving my administrations please apply. Let's spin the karma wheel and hold on tight ....

Green Hands Helping

We all carry challenges in our life. Some are given tasks of injury, disability or disease. There is a physical aspect to these challenges, but they also incorporate a mental and emotional struggle. I have had my emotional stresses and continue to work through them on a daily basis. The ordeal that I have struggled with was to find a means to survive my grief process and find meaning in living life again. We all have our stories to tell.

One of the places that has brought me peace has been my garden. Connecting with the Earth has calmed me and helped me to see life through kinder eyes. I can create beauty and foster life and growth. That has been the challenge for my personal self. I try to see my growth through the love I offer to Mother Nature. It is a good energy and good meditation for me. I can be one on one with myself and be happy with myself. It is a gift given and received warmly.

When challenges come upon us, life takes on a different nature. We multi-task and prioritize what needs to be taken care of and what can be let go. Sometimes in the stress of the moment, we have to let go of things we care about. While it may offer something to us, it just does not fit into the priority list. I have lived through the stress of disease and know that survival is the key goal. Life takes on a different tone and we do what we can to survive.

I want to offer my services in your time of stress. Cancer has left its mark on me and I heal myself through working in the earth, through helping in the garden. I love my garden. I know the pain of letting go of parts of oneself due to circumstances beyond your control. I want to offer a little of your old normal back and some beauty back, where stress has left its strain. Let me trim, prune, weed and dig, so that you can have time to stop and smell the roses. So that you can stop and see the roses. The ugly weed of cancer in your heart and disarray in your garden do not have to be. Let me help you and in turn help me.

bless this day

Bless this day, for this is the only time we shall have it. It may have had hugs or tears, smiles or anger. It might be a day that is forgotten in amongst the so many that we have. It might be a day to change your life. There is beauty in the passing of time and often sorrow, but it is all a gift and a step on the road to life. There will never be a day the same as this. Learn from it and take what you need into tomorrow. May you get brighter and more aware every day. Someone you know and love may not have a tomorrow to share with you, so live in your now.

People enter our lives for a reason. Some are brought there by unseen hands or forces. Others we search out. Some people pass through with a short message, "Feel blessed for all that you have!", while others can enter to help you work through things, "what do I have?". There are others still who form a forever-bond and travel with us all our days. We flow through other's lives in the same fashion.

List of Important People

• Taryn



• Rylie
  
  
  



• Mom



• Kerry




• Janet



• Cris



• John



• Jim F.



• Li



• Jenn A.

Saying Goodbye

I talked to a friend this morning to catch up on things. She recently had a double mastectomy, due to a disconcertingly high risk factor for developing breast and or ovarian cancer. Her Grandmother and Mother both died from Ovarian cancer and her Aunt (her Mother's sister) sounds like she is finally losing the battle to cancer herself. With her Aunt slowly winding out her last few days/weeks at home the family is preparing for her death. My friend has two young daughters, the oldest one being very close to her Great-Aunt. My conversation touched on what to say and how to explain death to young children. She wanted to know how I explained Brad's final illness and death to my girls.

T was 2 1/2 years old when her father died from cancer. She knew her father was sick and may have understood he was getting sicker. In his last month of life he suffered from extreme headaches that were extremely debilitating. I often had to tell her to play quietly because Daddy wasn't feeling well and his head hurt. She drew into herself in her Daddy's last month, I am sure not really knowing exactly what was going on, but knowing that it was something serious. Where television had never held any interest for her, it suddenly drew her in. No surprise when Daddy napped often and Mommy withdrew and cried a lot more. TV was a happy place where everyone was having fun. At our house everyone was serious. Even with doctors trying to be nice, I suspect she sensed how much angst the doctors caused for her adults. She did not have a lot of warmth for them, despite the smiles they offered her.

Brad was hospitalized in his last few days. He essentially had a stroke and seizures at the end left him in a coma. I was terrified and desperate and not sure what to do. We had been seeing a social worker at the hospital and she helped to give me ideas of how to handle this final turn of events with the girls. R was only 10 months old at the time, so was intellectually beyond being able to comprehend what was going on. I tried to have familiar caregivers surround her and tend to her needs. When Brad was stabilized, I took T to the hospital so that she could see her Daddy. I explained that Daddy was very, very sick and that the tubes coming out of him were to help him breathe and give him medicine. Essentially I described Daddy as alive and sleeping, but very sick. I told her that if she wanted to touch him or hug him she could. It was a bit much for her and she was not comfortable with that. She did not want to touch him and did not really say anything. We had brought her favourite bunny on the suggestion of the social worker and I gave it to Daddy. I told T it was so that Daddy would know that she had been there and would have a piece of her to hold onto. She was okay with that, but we left fairly quickly.

The next morning Brad died before anyone could come and visit him. I believe that he decided it was time and did not want anyone to uncomfortably hover over him fretting, worrying and not knowing what to say. His parents were there moments after he died and I arrived shortly thereafter. My Mother and Father got the girls fed and dressed, then brought them to the hospital. The social worker and Brad's palliative doctor took me aside and counselled me on what to say to T. The tubes were removed from Brad before we brought the girls in, so as to lessen fears and stresses. R was brought in and shown Daddy and told he had died. T came in and I held her as I explained that Daddy had died. That meant that he couldn't breathe anymore or eat. He could not drink, walk or move his body. The medicine that the doctor's had given him had stopped working and Daddy's body couldn't fight off his sickness any more. Daddy loved us all, but he was gone and not coming back. It was some of the hardest words that I have ever had to wrench from my lips and I wanted to vomit for saying them. The truth was as hard for me to understand, as for her to hear and comprehend. Reality is not pretty or kind in situations such as this. The mixed blessing of it all was that grief does not touch children the same way that it affects adults. That being said they are affected by the grief process and even R felt the vast changes that were going on in her world. Children may not be able to understand all of the complicated emotions that adults grapple with, but they see the people in their world being affected by it and feel sadness in their own way. Time brings the reality of their loss into a reality that they can absorb slowly. It can take many years for children to fully understand and come to grips with such a significant loss. My own experience of losing my Father at the age of five has taught me this.

My conversation this morning brought me back to my not distant loss. While sad to delve into, it is my reality and will always form a part of my world. The glimmer that made the conversation more dear was the recognition from my friend that my words may help her when it comes time to tell her daughter about a loved one's loss. My story is painful, but my story can help others. I am not alone in my pain and neither should anyone else be.

Sunny Spring Stroll

Water flows

Spring has touched all living souls.

Smiles spring skyward

Soft steps sneak

Busy birds building

A new home's peak

Brilliant blue jays blare.
Cautious cardinals quest
And a little lazy robin
Bobs brashly cross to nest

My quiet little crocus

Peeks cautious petals up

So delicate and hardy

The season's first tender blush.

Oh, to sit beside the stream!
My stream of yesterday
When birds just sung
and river's run
And thoughts could stay right there.

Today the city clamours in

Birdsong fighting over traffic din.

The clock of responsibility doth tock

For tomorrow pushes on.

Tomorrow pushes on...

The times, they are a changing

Well I know that I am not alone in this, but it sure feels hard to pick a new path. Since Brad passed away, I have known that I would eventually have to re-enter the land of the living, but it is amazing how much I struggle with that. So many people have said, "This is a great opportunity to go back to school!" Yes it is, but the question has always been what path to pursue in schooling. You see I already have a BA and my ECE. The BA is a great addition to a resume, but with English as my major, does not lead to any specific career path. The ECE obviously has a specific direction to daycare, but with the girls being 2 and 4 years old, I have to be honest that spending all day with similar aged children and then coming home to my own two darling children just does not appeal to me. I fear that I would be doing a disservice to myself and them, with the potential for a short-circuit in my brain. So where does that leave me?

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

I have heard many people say that recently. Everyone from my sister, who is on maternity leave, but not sure if she wants to return to her workplace, to another parent at the daycare where my children go, who will be laid off of work in the coming weeks. With the economy sitting in the precarious spot that it is, I know many people are worrying about their jobs and finances. The newspapers are pretty thin in the classified section and layoffs are becoming a common story in the media. Who isn't worried about their future? The stress has me struggling to come up with an answer that I wish I could just say "Eureka!" too. A walk in the sunshine may do my aching brain some good. The promise of warmer weather is in the air. So is the promise of a new tomorrow....

At the end of a new Day

I met someone in the coffee shop I frequent who suggested that I start a blog. He had seen me with pen in hand pouring out my soul to a little notebook. My journal often holds my thoughts and helps me to sleep at night, but sometimes those thoughts need to be written down so that you can look at them and figure them out, day or night. My journal rests on my bedside table and is my confidante after the kids are in bed. My notebook is my list holder, shopping aide, and emergency friend when I need to get something out of my head, so I can analyze more fully what my brain is thinking and doing. Crazy brain has a mind of its own sometimes and I need to stop and figure it out.

Anyway, I thought that a blog might be another interesting spot to let my thoughts pour out. Maybe someone will have additional insight into life's mysteries and point them out to me. We all need a helping hand sometimes! So a blog has been added to my life. We shall see if it brings me insight from myself or others, but for now I must rest my head and say goodnight.