Things I Need

What's important to your world?

~me~

I see

yesterday

I see

faults

I see

everything I wish I didn't

Someone else's eyes

see a beautiful soul

someone else's eyes

see love

someone else's eyes

see me

Today

I 

will believe

that I can be everything

that other people see

~Me~

My Rainbow

A

green orb

fills my head

leaking indigo

through my hair,

down my shoulders.

I struggle to breath

as I always do.

body 

too wrapped

up  in  relaxing 

to know how

to just be.

Red sparks

pulse to pink blankets

gently resting on my chest

warming that stitched together

semblance of a 

heart that

no longer beats.

Begin.

The  sun  rises

golden yellow filling mine eyes,

chest and radiating out thine arms

to fill the room. 

It breathes for me.

Melting 

melting the tight knots

of yesterday's cares & dreams

Until orange remains

that tender power

wisping its way in to fill

what remains of my 

subconscious 

hurts

allowing them

to kindle and fire

a belly not known to 

resist

as icy hands

smooth wrinkles

in swollen knee joints

and my eyes open 

to a day changed

by the breath

and love

of

Friends

*

A Metta Meditation offered today

May you be safe from inner and outer harm

May you be filled with peace and loving kindness

May you be filled with strength and health all of your days

I need to practice this myself today,

but offer loving kindness to you

and the world as well.

Peace my friends

~

A Christmas Toast

Over at One Stop Poetry today, there is a suggestion to write something to honour family at Christmas time. I started with a different thought, but this story of love and generousity was a part of my Christmas a few years ago. It took centre stage, so I let it have reign on my page. I share it to honour my husband and the love and respect that he elicited from all those he touched. Enjoy.

Christmas was upon me.
I could not smile or glee.
It had been mere months
since death had claimed thee.

I pushed myself to function.
I strained myself not to cry,
but my heart lie still in tatters
and I too wanted to die.

Your Co-workers refused to listen
when I tried to decline their cheer.
They insisted I join the revelry
and at their party must appear.

I had no choice, but compliance.
Wiped tears and donned false smiles.
Their hugs of joy were too worthy
for a girl far from love by miles.

We ate, drank and were merry.
Shared stories til speeches were nigh,
then sombre I grew, as attention they drew
to myself  ushered forth to their eyes.

Beautiful stories were issued.
Thoughtful memories were shared to enthrall,
then to my surprise a check materialized
in my name, for my family, from them all.

Speechless, I stood in front of them.
Mine eyes blinking back full disbelief.
How could they know how this touched me so
in my heart shattered still by so much grief.

Their pockets were emptied in your name.
Wealth was shared from men, coast to coast.
And here stood I, staring at nary a dry eye
Trembling as they called for a toast.

To Brad, was the shout from the tables.
To Brad, was  the feeling round the room.
My love, it was beauty at its finest
and their hearts were opened all just for you.

I shook as I raised glass in your name
Tears fell, uncheckered from my heart
They saw the special in you, that I also knew
Their gift, to give me a fresh start.

Your heart, I feel its presence
nearly every day.
Your heart, I know it beats
yet strong for me.

but on that blessed eve
your love's magic it did weave
and not alone was I that night
when I did leave.

    {}{}{}

Merry Christmas to all of you at One Stop
and all of you who have touched my heart over the years
You all help to keep me going & for that I am grateful. 
Blessings to you all.

Loving all God's Creatures Great and Small

   Whew, what a day! The girls had a field trip to Storybook Gardens today with their daycare and I was forced volunteered to go along as a chaperone. They pretty much know that I am willing to go along on most field trips, so just expect me to tag along. As I used to work in the daycare field, I am not afraid of the little buggers darlings and relish getting a little outing in on occasion. Good practice to keep me sharp by yelling at other people's kids to find their partners, stay with the group and keep their clothes on. Actually I only had to re-clothe one child. Surprise, surprise, it was one of mine. sigh...

   We (yeah, ok mostly they) climbed pirate ships, screamed down giant slides, splashed with wild abandon in the spray zone (that one had me written all over it) and generally had a super swell time. I cannot tell a lie though. I really do love going on class field trips. I already know all the children's names in both girl's classes, but hanging out lets me get to know them all a little better. I get to see them on their terms playing and having fun. The smiles are contagious and their lightness strips the years off my soul. It reminds me why I love children. Yes, sometimes I do need reminding, strange as it may seem. Children's exuberance, joy, amazement at life and pure honesty is just beautiful in my books. Of course, when we returned to the daycare, I deeked out to buy groceries for dinner leaving my little angels behind, just so I could get a few minutes of kid-free time to myself for the day. We are headed away to my  Mom's trailer for the weekend, with big family birthday celebrations on the roster, including my sister and her two little ones, so I am not expecting any more kid-free moments the rest of the week. The one kind thing I did do for myself (really, probably for everybody) was to wait to go up until tomorrow. We were going to head out today, but all I wanted to do when we got home from the field trip was to pop open a beer, so that is exactly what I did. Tomorrow is another day; A New Day in fact. ;)

   I think I will just leave you with a few moments of my day that stood out for me as especially poignant. The children had all been dragging as the lunch hour approached. Both my girls were leaning on my arms, as well as the child of the other parent within our little group. Having a parent on a field trip seems to give a green light for extra suckiness to appear, but thems the brakes I guess. So when we announced food on the horizon, many little faces lit up. All the groups that had dispersed from the daycare, reconverged at our appointed rendezvous spot. I was amazed, nay flabbergasted that thirty + little people waited patiently with plates in front of them till everyone in the group received their meals. With a shout to dig in, food instantly commenced to disappear. It was all very civilized, with some laughing and joking, but no continuous urgings to "eat" or "stop that". Wow. Fresh air is an amazing encouragement. The moment that struck me though was after the sandwiches had disappeared and the apples were being crunched on. My eldest noticed that the father in our group had a spider on him. He was apparently nonplussed, but it went further than that. His son knocked off the little arachnid, but it kept coming back. Dad finally got it and let it crawl on his hand up his arm without batting an eye. The kids in the vicinity just watched in interest. No one ewwed or screeched. It spun a line down off his hand and hung there for a moment. His son peered in and jumped back as it blew towards him, before it jetted off for adventure in other areas of the park. It made me laugh to see the boy jump back, but he certainly wasn't overly fazed by it. This was almost immediately followed by the discovery of a caterpillar. This little creepy crawley was a wee beauty. It was small and fuzzy, mostly black, but with white highlights. The caterpillar again crawled up and down Dad's hand and was soon transferred to son waiting palm. Many boys crowded around to look, as did my daughter. She got her chance to have its little legs put some miles on her skin, before she handed it on to another. Eventually it was released and all the children agreed that it had to be returned to a bush. No squashing of this delicate creature. It touched me as a great learning moment about the beauty and breadth of all living creatures. After packing up the lunch detritus, we started back into the park for more fun, only to discover another caterpillar. This green one was worse off than the other creatures we had come across over our lunch. It appeared to have been partially trodden upon, but still relatively whole. Everyone crowded around to look and agreed that it needed to be moved out of harm's way. A stick was quickly found and the ailing caterpillar was relocated to a garden bed where nice fresh leaves could be had. No screams, stomping on or laughter here. Just tender empathy from a group of five year olds. For me a special "wow" moment. Yeah, I like nature and it warms my soul to see people kind-hearted towards it. For all the laughter that was had throughout the day, that was my favourite part of my Thursday. If you made it this far in my reverie, I thank you and wish you happiness and tender moments in your day too. 

Turning Lager into Water

As I sat interpreting the life of this man and his son, I sipped on the cold beer that I had just purchased at the dilapidated stand in what posed as a village square. A beautiful old hotel was the backdrop for my setting, but it had been abandoned long ago. It seemed just like so many other  aspects of Mozambique. All forgotten to the world.

The cold amber liquid poured down my hot throat, quenching the fire that simmered there. The beer was a luxury that I had allowed myself on this scorching day, as we lazed beside the ocean. I sipped at it, then returned to the writing in my journal. A shadow fell across the beach in front of me and I looked up to spy the man that was gracing the pages of my writing again. He had returned from delivering the fish we had offered him home. Now his gestures told me of another want. He had a thirst as well. I handed him the bottle expecting him to take a long pull at the contents. I was mistaken.

I sat up, perturbed at his retreating figure. He had walked away! He had taken my almost full beer and departed.   I had been willing to share, but still wanted more of the lager that had only begun to quench my thirst. With a sigh, I acquiesced that perhaps it was a luxury that he needed more. Something that he did not often get a chance to afford or enjoy. I chalked it down to a lesson learned that in this land, perhaps when you gave something to someone they kept it until they have had enough, then they too pass it on. Different lands hold different cultures.

Before I had a chance to think much beyond the incidence that had just occurred, I spied the man coming back again. To my surprise and delight, he carried with him a pail of water. It was a pail of fresh, clean drinkable water. He was returning the favor that I had offered to him, unbeknownst to myself. One good turn deserves another. As we were not camping in anything akin to a formal campground, we had to walk down to the village square to get our water at a communal tap like anyone else. It was a good sized walk and alien activity to our foreign ways. This man’s gift of water was worth much more than the humble beer that I had shared with him. My soul was uplifted by his simple act of sharing and kindness that I had not expected. I felt small in his presence of generousity, but awed by the beauty of it. Here was a spirit of sharing and community. Items were freely shared amongst the people and it was an understood thing amongst everyone. The beauty of Mozambique lifted to the top of my destinations in this simple, yet unforgettable moment. I was in love.

Mystery Visitor

Hmmm, a mystery visitor...

I went away,

but for an hour

While gone to foray

for canning power.

Upon return I

looked down to see

that someone had been

to visit me.

Settled on

my little chair

sat a bag 

to cool my fare.

with plates and forks,

napkins and knives.

Even some Vex

for party to en-live.

Alas, no note;

No scribbled scribe

for me to know

whose thanks I describe.

So cheers to you

my mystery friend

A picnicing we'll go and

your presence heart lend.

thank you stranger

Give me a break

   The spectre of that evil monster, that icky trickster, the dreaded and ever lurking COLD has struck again. Yes, a cold has descended upon our house. This is not new, as last weekend I was snuffling and snortelling. My kleenex box has not gone far from my side this week. In fact I have blown through a box or two in various rooms of my house. I even had a friend bring me some back-up packs when we went for coffee earlier in the week. Still, I soldier on. A little eucalyptus oil rubbed into the chest and perhaps a night cap to seal the deal. Good to go. My cold hasn't slowed me down. I can tick off book club, yoga, drum circle, shopping, swimming lessons, laundry and of course house cleaning to my list of activities of the week.

   Now I sit in between loads of ever-present laundry, despairing of being stopped in my tracks. Yup, I drew the line. I can push me as much as I want, but I managed to infect the darling angels under my roof as well. Bad Mommy. That has been the chant around here the last few days from my eldest. "Bad Mommy! Bad Mommy!" has resonated off my flittering frame. She is lucky that my skin has thickened up over the last little while. Even if it is in jest (or perhaps not?), a short time ago this would have had me headed to the kleenex box, but not for the cold I suffer through this week. The tenderness and loving kindnesses I have allowed myself and accepted from others has changed my outlook. I might still have my days (I am a single parent of two under 5 years. Give me a break!), but I try to add more smiles than tears to their plates. So this morning I debated again whether I would pack myself and the girls into the van and head State-side to visit friends. I really wanted to visit, but had a confab with Brad and decided that it was probably better to let the girls have a low-key day. After their busy week, they needed some down-time too. Nothing like enjoying your own space and walking at your own pace versus plunking into the van for a 3-hour tour, trekking across the border and then racing after bigger kids all weekend. It takes enough out of us on a good day. We are not on our a-game, so why push it? So we are planning on pizza and movies tonight and are making up for it with a visit from grandma tomorrow. Hopefully good vibes will bring good germs back our way. And for now another load of laundry calls...

Wednesday

I should be in bed. It is after my bedtime and I always lie in bed flip-flopping for a while before falling asleep. I suspect that I am beginning to dread slipping in between the sheets for that unsuspecting enemy to pounce (my brain!). All the things I avoid by doing fun things like vacuuming, laundry, canning and coffee surface when I try to turn off for the night.

"what am I going to do tomorrow?"
"What am I going to be when I grow up?"
"When am I not going to be lonely all the time and be happy with my own company?"

That is a hard one. They are all hard actually, but the last one seems to dictate how the other ones will go. I had a good conversation over my coffee today with a sage man who has entered my life. Ron has been married for almost 40 years and has seen much good and bad in his life. He has had many doubts and battles, victories and stalemates. He is another person who believes in me. I have people in my life that are my champions. They think I am a wonderful person and wonder why I don't too. Why don't I? I am kind and generous to those around me. I seem to even have my kids fooled into thinking that. I view the world as a good place, where the potential to learn surrounds us. I try to think generously of most people. Our faults are a product of our environment and history and do not make us bad people. Everyone has redeeming features. Even me. I am a beautiful person. Yes, I am. This is me testing the waters to see if I believe this. I think there is merit in my praise, but am just not comfortable with loving kindness. This is my stumbling block that I need to work on. When I can offer myself loving kindness, the world will open to me. I know it. Really, the only one that matters out there is me. Once I love me, then I will be comfortable with all the love that the world has to offer. I can accomplish much with that love.

So the problem? I am scared. I am stuck behind a habit of not loving me. It comes with grief, but I suspect there is more there. Time is offering me insights.

Tonight, I need to sleep. That will help me be kind to me tomorrow. The sigh ends the day...

Loving Kindness

I suppose that some day my sensitive edge will be worn down a little. I am not always sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Sad movies, sensitive comments and poignant recollections can all bring me to tears or at least the brink of. I think that is just who I am.

Today I was praised for my efforts to help another soul at a time when they have need. I am doing some gardening for a woman who is dying of lymphoma. I reflected on where this woman and her husband are in their life and how it felt when I was there (tears in memory and the back of my throat). Nothing can change where she is, but sometimes kindnesses can make it better. I have been shown kindnesses from extraordinary and surprising people. Giving to Michelle in some ways is giving back to me. While in my weekly yoga class, I was reminded to be kind to myself, as well as others in our world. While a general thought put out there in class, I felt like it could have been directed solely at myself. I have a hard time being kind to myself, but am trying to work on that. First step is recognition that I am harder on myself than I deserve.

I was also touched by an old friend's step out of her comfort bounds (feeling like it had a teensy wee bit to do with me). Life hands everyone challenges. I do not have the hardest or saddest story out there. We all have our stories to tell and crosses to bear. Do I truly know this? For a long time after Brad died, I honestly did not care about other people's miseries and trials. I have been told that is typical of grief and normal. In beating myself up and challenging my confidences, am I just fooling myself that I have that saddest, worst story to tell? Poor me? I want to let it go, but that is the cross I have chosen to bear at present. If others can see my worthiness and strengths, perhaps some day the shackles of my biggest enemy, mine own self, will fall off and be set free. Perhaps I do not need to share these deepest darkest demons, but I know we all have our demons. I believe that speaking them and exposing them takes some of their ultimate power away. At least that is a hope and faith that I carry.