The Writer

Ahem...

I have a new title. "Business Manager"; that's what I am. It sounds so officious. I could write up business cards, if i so desired. I really am tickled. This is another step on the path towards me.

I need to take this seriously, and indeed I am. My new office space is my promise to myself. My little corner of the living room is my way of saying that I "am" a writer. This is a valid path for me right now and I am okay with that. More than OK, I am truly ecstatic to be allowing myself to fill these shoes. I think a piece of me has always imagined that this could be a reality for me, but now I am letting it happen. I sit at my new desk every day. I have been typing and tapping into my laptop for a long time now, but it is finally coming together. It really is.

I still cannot claim much in the published world, but letting myself fill this space is a pretty special venture. For so long, I did not feel like I could truly validate my little attempts at creativity. I felt like I needed to stop and get on  with the business of real life, GET A REAL JOB! The world has given me several positive nods though and now I am at the point where I am willing to give myself that nod as well. 

So how is it that I define myself as a writer? Well, I plug away at my two books fairly often and finished tinkering with my poetry chapbook. Most of you will not see the chapbook, as it is just a compilation of poetry that I made for my book club, but it was a challenging and fun project for me. I think I can consider it testing ground for when my other books are ready for some unknown publisher's eyes, but I cannot wait to have my little creation in my hand just to say that I brought this little thing into existence.

While my plugging away at my unpaid labour is all very valiant, it does not pay the bills at present. That brings me back to my new title of Business Manager. It makes me smile just saying it. And it really is a real title too, although applied in a very friendly way. I manage all the admin details of a Blog Talk Radio show. A friend of mine interviews authors and I have now officially taken over all of the admin work for the show. It isn't glamorous, but it does bring some money in, which in turn allows me to stay home and plug away at my books. There are other social media projects that I handle for the same woman and again, they are not glamorous, but they buy groceries. 

So with the help of friends this evening, some shelves were hung and my new office space is coming on to complete. I popped an English language dictionary on the shelf and balanced it with a plant in the other corner. As is my wont, some rocks or crystals will be added, as well as some other books. I think my little corner is just beautiful though. It is my step in believing in me and the future. The future is in my hands. I write my story and today it is filled with heart.

MK - You look Marvelous!

I am going out this evening!

  "Where to", you ask?

Well, I have been invited to a Mary Kay party! I said this to my Aunt this afternoon and she remarked,
   "They're still around?"

Yup, and I get dinner and a makeover out of the deal. Sweet! I expect to be dolled up finer than anything by the end of the evening! Going to be gorgeous, so if you'll excuse me, I am going to change into something sexy to complement my anticipated makeover.

Ready for my photo shoot!

Have a lovely evening all! and babies...
YOU look mahvellous!!!



*Picture found at Flickriver

A Goodbye Cruise

You would think all I did was drink while I was in Africa at this rate. Brett and Oliver met back up with us later in the day after Miki and I returned from our canoe safari. Hugs and apologies led us to a makeup date on a booze cruise into Zambia. It was just across the river, but our passports were always hungry for new stamps, so a-cruising we would go. We saw a most beautiful sunset as we chugged along the Zambezi above the Falls with many, many drinks in hand. One too many for poor Miki, as she was a fallen soldier half-way home. Not sure if the border guards appreciated cleaning up after all the booze cruisers that went through that border, but the economy was grateful I’m sure!

Miki’s groans were joined by the rest of us, as we begged for sleep under a blazing light post in the campground where we had set up our tents. At 3 AM we tossed and turned laughing at our fate, but by 5 AM we blissfully crashed again. Brett pushed on to get a view of the sunrise from the falls, but I could not muster the strength to walk, let alone goggle over a new day. Miki and I would make a trek to the falls later in the day to get our fill of the magnificent view and feel the spray of the Zambezi’s water on welcome cheeks.

This was our Coup de grâce for a journey that had spanned just over 3 months. Miki would depart the next evening on a Translux bound for Johannesburg. It saddened me that she would no longer be my travelling companion, but fate had thrown her in my path and for that I would be eternally grateful. When I had concocted a journey to Africa the year before, it had held no one in it, but myself and  relatives to meet. I had never dreamed that I would be back-packing around the African continent with someone I barely knew from high school, an Aussie bloke and whatever other travelers we came across. She helped me to get comfortable in my backpack’s straps and have the confidence to strike out on my own. With a heavy heart I wished her well, but knew that when she left the next evening I would wipe away my tears and turn to the next bend in the road on my African Adventure.

The Maytag Repair (Wo)Man

As I rap, clap, tapped on the washer
it just rang, clang, banged back at me.
No foul-mouthed fix,
nor long-sleeved tricks
could charm it back to be.

I push, shove, bumped on the side.
I pull, push, turned on the top.
No water did stream
or so it would seem,
as the lid slipped my fingers and did drop.

My 'driver twist, spin, whirled on the screws
a faceplate lift, wiggle, scraped as I removed
Wires splayed a'plenty
connections tight as any
so what have I done proved?

Not certified, authorized nor qualified
To identify, evaluate, nor repair.
Take away my tool-belt
before I leave a big welt
on confidence that reigns on false airs.

Ohm

    This week I feel the well is dry. Words are parched from my less than creative brain. I have exciting things coming up in my life. New opportunities that might spring up with a dollar or two attached to them. Spring has sprung, which means that I will be outside tending to the garden and looking for fairies behind new shoots and leaves. That is always a good meditation for my soul. Alas, I have been feeling hollow though when I look for more depth. I saw a couple of old acquaintances this morning and invariably the conversation got around to "So are you working?". My part-time work is wonderful, but elicits a crooked smile from others. It also elicits a groan from my bank account. My Spring renewal feels more like a returning to my roots of angst. I wonder if I will ever be good enough for me? I keep on judging me against the past and society's norms and am finding a hard sell to measure up. Perhaps a round of ohms on the yoga mat this afternoon will give me the boost I crave. Thanks for visiting. 

Namaste

Date with the past

   I am trying hard not to listen to that practiced little voice in my head. I can hear it. Oh, yes I can. I am trying really hard to not give it substance though. This is the struggle that I have been grappling with for the last little while. Ok, more like long while. Despite making headway with several avenues of my  life, I am sliding back into self-doubt with an imminent date with my past. Sigh, I just cannot be good enough. shit

   Excuse me, I do not like to be vulgar or swear here. That is not what I need to do in my blog. I want to write, grow, be creative and learn with this process. All of these things I have done (I think?). I do not have a huge following by any stretch, but I do have friends that swing by to see what is happening in my world on a regular basis. I love that. I really do. As I have noted recently, I think that this process is bringing me to a more creative forte. I am becoming a better writer, in my eyes anyway. So I truly value this place and the process that is bringing me this worth.

   So what is my problem today? I am meeting up with a relative of my husband's for dinner this evening. We have seen each other pretty infrequently since he passed. We do talk on the computer, probably more than any other of his relatives. She has marginal contact with Brad's parents (their relationship is not quite as strong as it could be, I have been told). There might not be a spot of our conversation that goes beyond the bounds of McDs, but then again there might be. Does it matter? I guess my stewing right now tells me that it does. Damn, why do I let things haunt me? You see my relationship with my husband's kin kind of dissolved not long after he died. It is truly a shame, as I regret my children losing a Father, but also a big chunk of family after the fact. Marginal contact with a few aunts on both of his sides exists, but not the same as on my side of the family. I struggled with these relationships after Brad died and tried to make peace with where things were. And I have. At some point, I may go back and make more amends, but I am not ready yet. Part of that has been my self-worth. I have struggled for me to be good enough for me. I have jockeyed with this in my mind as my status with other people too, but ultimately it comes down to me. Right now, I am feeling better about myself. I am sure sunshine helps that along, but really many more days find smiles.

   Today though my mind twists. I imagine the conversation tonight. "How are you and the girls?" fine "What is new with everyone?" everything and nothing "What are you doing with yourself nowadays?" ack! Whatever answer I concoct, will it be good enough? I stand by truth, but you still present and form it into an acceptable picture for others. STOP! stopstopstop

   Ok, I am going to clean my house (so that I can feel like a better house wife?) and maybe sort through some clothes for my donation pickup on Friday (so altruistic!). I am going to turn on some music, so that I can distract myself. And I am going to let it all go. Thank you for letting me vent. I am sure I will be fine. Back to me another day...

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve.

A day to ponder the year past and a year yet to come. I have been planning a jaunt to my sister's for the night, but really have not thought too much about the "New Year" part of it. I usually will write up a summary of the year past in my journal, but the book has been sorely ill-used as of late. Poor thing has lost some of its glam to my BLOG pages. All good.

So where was I last year at this time? I was in a fledgling relationship, the first since Brad's death. It was exciting and nerve-wracking. The promise was there, but things were moving slow. Hmmm, what can I say about that one? This fledgling romance has sputtered and died, sputtered and reignited, sputtered and died again. I debate making a new year's resolution to let the thing just die already and be done with it, but leave it sit where it wants for now.

The year past saw me continue with renovations around the house. My basement was beautified and became a much more kid-friendly space. My emotional self hit an unexpected roller coaster ride. The spring had me grappling with who I was and what I had to offer to the world. The answers were coming up bleak at the time. The only remedy was a road trip. It took on epic proportions (well epic if you look through the eyes of four children aged 2, 4, 7 & 9). I expected to have massive epiphanies and peace-filling moments. It did not quite happen like that, but I did come home to a different space. Somehow, somewhere along the way I felt me and discovered that I liked me. I somehow found worth at the end of the summer. It may sound horrible, but I was shocked. To be fair, I was pleased. "I" deserved "me" time and life picked up smiles. I have found them twisted up in Yogic poses and lost in sonic drums. My book nook expanded and a gaggle of girls (women really) were slated into my monthly "me" outings.

Hmm, so what did I learn this year? What did I find? I think I found me. I found a new version of me that I quite like in fact. I am still working on filling in some holes and tweaking the self-confidence some more, but by year's end, my greatest success was shining up my halo and turning over my frown. Not too shabby. I didn't think there was much to 2009 at the beginning of this post, but I guess it wasn't half bad...