Wednesday

I should be in bed. It is after my bedtime and I always lie in bed flip-flopping for a while before falling asleep. I suspect that I am beginning to dread slipping in between the sheets for that unsuspecting enemy to pounce (my brain!). All the things I avoid by doing fun things like vacuuming, laundry, canning and coffee surface when I try to turn off for the night.

"what am I going to do tomorrow?"
"What am I going to be when I grow up?"
"When am I not going to be lonely all the time and be happy with my own company?"

That is a hard one. They are all hard actually, but the last one seems to dictate how the other ones will go. I had a good conversation over my coffee today with a sage man who has entered my life. Ron has been married for almost 40 years and has seen much good and bad in his life. He has had many doubts and battles, victories and stalemates. He is another person who believes in me. I have people in my life that are my champions. They think I am a wonderful person and wonder why I don't too. Why don't I? I am kind and generous to those around me. I seem to even have my kids fooled into thinking that. I view the world as a good place, where the potential to learn surrounds us. I try to think generously of most people. Our faults are a product of our environment and history and do not make us bad people. Everyone has redeeming features. Even me. I am a beautiful person. Yes, I am. This is me testing the waters to see if I believe this. I think there is merit in my praise, but am just not comfortable with loving kindness. This is my stumbling block that I need to work on. When I can offer myself loving kindness, the world will open to me. I know it. Really, the only one that matters out there is me. Once I love me, then I will be comfortable with all the love that the world has to offer. I can accomplish much with that love.

So the problem? I am scared. I am stuck behind a habit of not loving me. It comes with grief, but I suspect there is more there. Time is offering me insights.

Tonight, I need to sleep. That will help me be kind to me tomorrow. The sigh ends the day...