Tuesday, August 31, 2010

So what whirlwinds have befallen my world? My children start school in less than a week. I know some of you dear folk have children already started for the week, are home-schooling, or just plain have empty nests so don't even note the turning of the calendar. I have been dreading this day for years now. My children will be starting school the day after Labour Day. I know that I am being a perfectly normal irrational parent by worrying my damn fool head off. Like I said, I have been worrying about this for years. I have preferred to live in the present moment. The here and now, which always had my children and I at leisure to pick and choose our days. The thought of school starting makes me freak about the permanence of it. Once they begin, they are on the steady road to the teen years and beyond. You all tell me how damn fast kids grow. I hear you and BELIEVE you. While I have wished for so many todays to pass, I rue every minute that I have not been the idyllic parent. I have pushed myself to be the best Mom and too many times the best Dad as well. I know I cannot and should not try to be everything, I cannot help trying to provide what I think their father would have wanted and been. I also hear him telling me to relax, when I allow myself to slow down for a minute. When I feel him offering me kindnesses though, I melt. Forever I want him back by my side to watch our children grow. I know he is there and sees, but it is not the same. I know that I do not need to compensate, but I can't help it. I know how to push myself best and push, push, push I do. There have been breakdowns aplenty to show the futility of it, but sometimes I cannot resist. 

So right now, while all I want to do is stop the clock, perhaps run away, I hear him say to stop. I cannot. It will be fine. I know this, but he tells me anyway. I need to hear it, despite the tears that threaten. It is change. It is hard. It happens what comes what may. Change is necessary and holds good. It does. I am still holding tight to my abstinent need to resist up to the bitter end though. Starting school is the start of a new life for us all. Me, I want to stubbornly stick to my pre-school ways and say "I don't wanna!", but the teacher says that I have to 
and the teacher is life...


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