let them go

blue skies break

clouds swirl and skim

its time for recluse

its time for me and him

together

we explore

together

we beg & implore

together

we need to be

some more

love

life

laughter

in a weekend escape

bliss

bodies

bonding

we will be laid bare

let the snow

blow

and close our world

to tomorrow 

for today I stow

all my problems

- I let them all go 

rebirth

I twisted in my sheets, trying to escape the visions in my mind. He was there. It was lies and I knew it, but my dreamscape refused to allow reality any sway. So, he knocked on my door. He told me that he had been thinking about me. With a sincerity in his voice, that didn't match his dark eyes, he told me that he missed me. He begged me to let him in. To let him do something for me, anything at all...


Before I knew what was happening, he was fixing my toilet (nevermind that there wasn't a thing wrong with it during daylight hours). He slathered it with a pink goop, that faded back to white before my eyes. Like he had done nothing at all. And he hadn't. But I knew the damage was done. He had broken my spirit once again. 


I screamed at myself to be strong. I demanded that I throw him out before things took a different turn. And then he was kissing me. I couldn't push away. My soul didn't respond, but my body refused to make him stop. Silent tears that only I could feel were all I could muster, as my panties hit the floor. He remembered, took his way with the shell of me and stepped back into the old pattern of leaving the way that he had come.


But love sat on the swing in the front yard. There was no movement, but I knew it was there and finally refused to let history run away again. This time I had to find truth, even if it killed the only good thing in my life. I introduced the man in the swing, to the man with his hand on a car door, ready to disappear into the night. My words were the only thing that broke a tension tight enough to kill.


The swing swayed in the silent breeze left behind. No words were spoken, but I knew that I had lost. The only thing that I could do wrong had come to pass. My fear of everything and nothing was realized, as I stood alone on the doorstep again. Loss was the only partner that I deserved. 


The morning sun burned away the fog, but the dream stayed with me. Loss, my familiar partner, deceiver and liar extraordinaire had won again. Was this a warning, an accusation of spirit or a guilt-induced escape to safer climes? My ravaged garden didn't know the answer, but offered solace in its rebirth. And warm arms that gently turned me around to spill into limitless eyes absorbed the tears that finally fell. The dream was not my reality. This was...

Caught in a Stare

'tis Valentine's Day
and I should share some words
you all know by now
that I'm falling hopelessly (so absurd)
but with these feelings full
and time stuffed to match
I fear my writings are lean
and creativity gone through the hatch.
Alas and alack a'day
and I don't care
because this stranger's got a hold of me
caught tight in his stare
Ah, so sweet and now my story is up
Yes, I've prayed at Eros' feet and am happy in full worship 

♥♥♥

Happy Valentine's Day my friends!

The Pick-Up

Arms swinging wildly, she swam. Desperate to escape her thoughts, she pushed off the wall and struck out for the far end. Blurred vision forced her to pause, but she pressed on again and again.

Finally limp, she pulled herself from the pool, only to be met by the young man’s gaze.

“Come here often?”

*???*

And with that our heroine ran screaming for G-Man's place to escape those few 55 words. But hey,

"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!"

Touch me

Touch me

and I melt into a thousand tears

That tear a heart like razor blades

Asunder -

again

Forgotten feelings flood

Through this tough veneer

Varnished by solitary moments

So proud of strength

In empty eyes yet

Crack

-ed

Fairy tale dreams

Of love and lust

My confused likes

that still

devastate

This state of mind

Mine to torture

What once was pure

Of thought, deed

or at least that

Is what I care

to believe

Nay, today

I play the game.

Toss smiles in the hat

Bat pretty eyes

and feed my soul

To the devil

Anew

Arrivederci

Thanks for the drink,

sweetheart …

what if...

sunshine with rainbows
pretty ribbons & bows
doves trailing peace lilies
with goodness else knows

I'm suffocating under smiles,
reeling from rose petals dreams
frightfully twinkling with trembles
and darn effervescent twould seem

a heart explodes
with what ifs and maybes
this pounding chest
so foreign of its beauties

love songs play
and in confusion I turn
for so long painful
and a thing to spurn

but I sit here at peace
my soul lit with hope
for today's door swung an inch
lord knows if I'll cope

Saturday's Email of the Week: First Dates

Saturday's Email of the Week

Its Saturday. And I feel like torturing myself today, so am going to share some of what I got up to last night. You see, I went on a date yesterday. Ooooh aaaaah! I know - wow. pffft

Well, I fussed about what to wear. I donned makeup & even let my girls dictate that I wear lipstick. I own the stuff, but have to admit that it doesn't get a lot of "face time". Har, har, bad pun. If you know me though, it just usually doesn't happen. But last night, you better believe it did! Oh, and I even put on a pair of pantyhose. For my dear gentlemen readers, I am pretty sure you designed the crazy things, as they are really quite the uncomfortable item, if you have to wear them for any period of time. Sure they help to aid as a tummy tuck if necessary or hide less than smooth legs, but really! Anyway, thank God I noticed that I had a run in them when I got home. I am sure I could have laughed through that at the time, but once home they were Off & then GONE! But, I must note that I did opt for them for the affair.

So we set a date, picked a location to meet and right off the hop, the location wouldn't work. You see date night has to work around my kids, first and foremost. I had arranged for them to be at a gymnastics outing that was a 3hr affair, therefore I had time constraints. The first restaurant of choice required reservations or a time slot that didn't work with my child are arrangements. Damn, this dating stuff is hard work! But the crux of the story is that this my friends was a first date. In fact, my first date in a good long time. And you know what? It was darn awkward! Lord, I felt weird. Essentially it was a blind date, so we had to try and get through the " Hi, nice to meet you" phase. shake hands here. Then what to order and what to talk about and ...

yeah, it was just weird. But I can now lay claim to a first date. And no, there was no mad passionate kiss that swooped me off my feet at the end of it, in case you were wondering. Suggestions were made to chat again, but I am wondering about that whole spark factor. Bah! I wish there was an easier way. Anyone on here single? Got any single friends in the Canada region? Kind of a big place, being the 2nd biggest country in the world and all, but I have been known to go on a road trip or two. So what have I learned from all this?

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Neale and I were constant companions over the days that followed. After spending a second night in his larger room, I decided to pass on keeping up appearances and moved in with him. There was no point in us both paying for rooms, if we were only going to use one. You couldn’t separate us if you tried. We wandered city streets, chatting, laughing, holding hands and finding quiet corners to share a passionate kiss or two. We met back up with Nimesh for a personalized tour of the city as well. Neither Neale nor I had much cash flowing out of our pockets, but that did not dampen our euphoric spirits. Burgeoning love feeds the soul.

The problem was that the more time Neale and I spent together, the less we wanted to be separated. While in Dar es Salaam that wasn’t a problem, but neither of us had the money to stay put and the city was quickly losing its appeal. We were both travellers and our feet itched to move on. Neale was headed North. After my failed attempt at being an overland courier, I was still drifting and sought direction for which way to go next. I felt like home was vaguely calling my name, but Africa was in my blood and I loathed the idea of leaving it. Temptation arose and I had no good reasons to turn it down. Neale’s hearty laugh and generous compliments had me in favour of pretty much anything that he suggested. So when the proposal came to accompany him to Cairo, it took me all of two seconds to agree.

While I did get excited at the prospect of seeing Egypt, a few worries couldn't help but cross my mind. Was it really a good idea to be traipsing across the continent with a virtual stranger? Hmm. Well, I had been doing that for the last nine months with a steady stream of strangers, many of whom I knew even less than Neale. So that could be crossed off the list of worries easily enough. If we went to Egypt together though, how and when would I get back to Cape Town, or Canada for that matter? Seeing the excitement in Neale’s eyes erased any doubts that my brain tried to muster though. I was present in the miracle of the moment. I had travelled long enough to trust my instincts when the fates presented new opportunities to me. If it felt right, then it was meant to be. The idea of this potential trip excited me and definitely screamed as an opportunity to be taken advantage of. How could I not jump on board? Neale's enthusiasm was contagious and it was decided.

All that stood in the way, was the means to get there. So over a cheap beer in our favourite pub, we decided  that we would leave for Cairo as soon as we could muster up some plane tickets. Giddy with anticipation, we finished our pitcher and wandered home arm in arm for the night. The plan was to find a travel agent in the morning and leave on a jet plane to Cairo, as soon as we were able. 

Saturday's Email of the Week: Birthday Wishes All Over Again

Email of the Week

While this video came to me compliments of Facebook, I did get an email regarding other songs by the same band. I personally liked "Cake" best though, so thought I would share it here with you.

The occasion this week was a friend's birthday. A long-lost friend and erstwhile boyfriend. In fact, the recipient of this song was my very first boyfriend. He was the one who introduced me to ska and began to open the door for me to an alternative world. When I met him, he was a skin head, rode a motorcycle, owned a scooter, and managed to cook me a shaky meal of spaghetti (with the help of telephone step-by-step directions from a sweet friend that couldn't resist helping the petrified young man). He bought me a super-soft teddy bear with flowers for our first Valentine's Day. No boy had ever given me anything as sweet as that before.

Ah yes, I was 17 and smitten, but there were underlying problems that just couldn't be resolved. This dear boy gave me a taste of pure romance, but lived an achingly long drive away. An hour and a half drive, once a week, every other, then finally once a month killed this fledgling relationship. I was in high school and he was a  college man. Our futures were uncertain and ultimately I bet against them. When I broke his heart, I broke mine too. My young years somehow knew that it was the right thing to do though.

but damn, it hurt.

For my fellow Cancer friend, I share this song today though. He always made me laugh and had an endearing smile. I am lucky to call him a friend still.

So for Saturday's email of the week, I share with you "Cake", by Rather Good. Perfect, I think. Happy Saturday everyone. And happy birth-month to all my fellow cancers out there celebrating a birthday this month. WE ROCK!

The Morning After

Lazily I stretched and cracked my eyes open to the day. An unfamiliar room greeted me, but that wasn’t surprising considering I rested my head in a different spot most nights. A warmth in the bed beside me reminded me that today was different though. I was not alone. A twinge of apprehension filled me, as I peeked at my companion. Neale breathed heavily beside me. He was apparently still asleep. 

“Wasn’t this jumping the gun a little,” I wondered to myself. “Maybe I should just leave before an awkward moment steals in to disrupt this cozy atmosphere.”

With a pang of regret, I slowly eased my leg towards the edge of the bed. Just as I thought I was free, and beginning to wonder how I could go about quietly finding my things and leaving without waking my sleeping companion, a strong arm reached out and drew me back.  I was pulled into Neale’s warm body and a gentle kiss planted on my bare shoulder. Blissfully, I melted back into the bed. With a sigh, I cuddled into Neale’s chest and closed my eyes again.

“Morning,” he said.

“Good morning, “ I replied, as I opened my eyes to look into his brilliant green pools.

How could these joyful thoughts be a bad thing? I was the happiest that I had been in months. Neale’s generous grin filled my heart and more.

“Thinking of going somewhere, Beautiful?” he asked teasingly.

“Not anymore,” I said with a  smile. Not on your life. 

I was quite happy to stay like that forever. 

The "One"

There she stood, perfect. He slowly approached with eager anticipation. She was interested. He could see it in the curve of her hip, as she watched him draw near. Mmhmm!

“MOM, HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE GO AWAY THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO PLAY WITH?”she called towards the beach.

Deflated, he paddled his floatie away… 

Oops, being silly with a Flash 55 for G-Man. He's one holiday, but I have had this picture kicking around that I have wanted to write a caption to. Poor little guy never stood a chance...

All Dressed Up - In a Smile

With the door closed again, I feared that my brain would be so a'goggle with thoughts of the stranger I had just met that sleep would elude me. It was direly needed though, and I surprisingly drifted off almost immediately. I needn't have feared forgetting him though, as when I woke a luxurious smile still lingered lazily across my face. My brain might have needed sleep, but it vividly remembered the image of my new friend  Neale. Oh sweet memories indeed. I stretched cat-like in my little cot, then jumped out of bed to hurriedly start my day.

Once upright, I glanced sadly through my backpack to see what I could wear. Everything had been worn almost threadbare. There wasn’t much there that could impress or hope to turn the eye of the South African lad, whom I had promised to meet that afternoon. There was nothing that could be done about it though, so I showered, then slipped into a gypsy skirt – the prettiest thing I had to offer. My hair hadn’t been cut in many months and any makeup I might have had at the beginning of my trip was long since gone. All I could do to gussy this time worn traveler up, was brush my hair and put on my sparkliest smile. That would have to do.

And you know? I think it was perfect!

I found Neale downstairs in the common area of the hostel waiting for me. While I hoped he hadn’t been waiting long, I also secretly hoped that he felt his wait would be worthwhile. We headed out into a bright afternoon and leisurely meandered through markets, side streets and wherever our feet took us. Conversation flowed between us, like we were long-lost friends. His sense of humour had me giggling like a school girl and his dazzling smile lit my cheeks with a natural blush that money just cannot buy. I forgot all about my tired appearance and fairly bubbled with life again. He seemed honest and truthful, and was a breath of fresh air after some of the conniving men that had tried to woo my hand in other ports. I was amazed by how comfortable I was in his presence and had no urge to leave it any time soon.

So when he asked if I was interested in stopping for a drink, I was more than happy to oblige. We ducked into a little local pool hall and ordered a pitcher of beer. Yes, I am not quite the purely angelic damsel and I do enjoy a cold pint or two. Neale seemed to approve my choice though and poured us some frosty libations with a flourish. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had felt so pretty and doted upon in such a sweet manner. Even before the alcohol started to have its effect, I knew that I was interested in spending more than just this afternoon with Neale.

While time would tell what our fortune would be, today we basked in flirtatious ways. Apparently it was obvious too, as when a young man stopped to chat for a moment, he introduced himself, then asked for Neale’s name. He then proceeded to ask Neale what his wife’s name was, and turned to me! Ha! A lovely thought, but we quickly explained that we had just met that day. He was surprised, but predicted that it would not be the only day that we would spend with one another. I secretly hoped he was right. The chemistry that flared between Neale and I was pretty heady. By the time we had played several games of pool with Nimesh, our new local friend, and tottered out of the bar many hours later, Neale and I were arm in arm. I was pretty happy to be there too. 

Eye Candy

I turned this way and that in front of the mirror. The dress was pretty tight. No, scratch that. The dress was skin tight. A leopard print mini to be exact. With high heels to complete the image. Oh my.

“You look great,” Debbie said.

It was her clothes that I was wearing, so I am not surprised that she felt that way. I was a lot more skeptical though. I had never worn a leopard-print anything before and wasn’t sure if it was really my style. The look in Ian’s eyes told me that I must have been working the outfit pretty good though. He wanted to take me to "The Tube".

“Let’s  do your makeup now,” Debbie gushed.

“Oh Lord, help me through this night!” I prayed to myself.

There was no room for negotiation. Before I could protest the transformation, we were out the door.

Ian’s smile was wide as he waltzed me into the club. I was a prize trophy in my vampy dress. As he strutted around with me on his arm, I tired of the game though. I had a hard time playing Ian’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but any dreams of a real relationship sparking, were slim to none. He apparently wasn’t willing to take no for an answer though. For my part, I obviously wasn’t doing much of a job of deterring those thoughts for him. Certainly not by allowing myself to play seductive mistress. He was cute and his dogged persistence wore me down. It had been a long time since I had received such flattering attention and there was enough of me liking it to keep the charade going. It wasn’t destined to last.

By the end of the evening, I tired of Ian’s childish antics.  He had become sullen when I left him to talk to Deon and Phil. I could feel other male eyes devouring me as well. It was fun and I relished the attention, but Ian was almost petulant when I refused to go home with him at the end of the night. He felt that I was his date and somehow owed him something, but I refused to give in. I was not his woman.

As the days passed, it only got worse. He was hanging around the hostel constantly and dripping off of me every chance he got. People kept asking me what was going on, but I had my sights set on moving on again. I knew I was hurting him, but questioned how he could have ever thought to put himself into the situation of hooking up with a backpacker. My money belt was forever growing thinner and I had to do something about it. There was no option at any point to stay, and I tried to tell Ian that he shouldn’t get so involved with me. It wasn’t until I got the training trip planned, that he realized all was lost. I was leaving.
A five-week training trip to Nairobi lay ahead of me. I would be leaving behind my adventures in backpacking, and two weeks spent in Harare with friends and weird relationship statuses. Till the end, Ian hoped to win me over, but his struggles were for naught. My Harare boyfriend would become nothing but a memory of fun and frivolity that was tainted by his young dreams of love. The attention buoyed up my ego though, and I looked forward to the new adventure that lay ahead.