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| Saturday's Email of the Week |
Saturday has arrived again. I have to say that I am glad to see the week go. There wasn't anything extraordinary about this past week. The week before was rough though and I was riding out the after-effects from it all this week. Do you ever have those moments? Pushing yourself to survive in the middle of a crisis, only to be limp and stumble once you can breathe again? Well, that's me. I can handle crisis. I can be strong and stand up to do what I feel I have to do. Sometimes I might want to hide under a rock or run in the other direction, but I know when I have to face something.
Last week I did.
I put my cat down, then went to a family member's funeral with the girls a few days later. I didn't have to go to the funeral. It was my husband's grandmother, whom I haven't had much of a relationship with since Brad died, but I felt that I should for the kid's sake. Not that they knew her either. And not that they truly cared that she died. I don't say that to be callous, but they are 5 & 6 and not emotionally invested in a relationship that didn't have any flesh and bones to it. Sad, but true and there is nothing that I can do about that now. What I could do though was take them to the funeral to meet some of their other relatives that are still around. Again, they weren't invested in the experience, but I suspect that some day they will be grateful that I made the effort. Perhaps they will be able to gain a new relationship with some of those family members down the road, that would not have occurred without my intervention. Or not, but I felt like it was my last opportunity to reach out and make that effort, so I grasped a hold of it.
This week, I have suffered for it all. I miss my cat. I dragged up old broken relationships with other members of the kids family, that would seem to be beyond repair forever now. I flogged myself for not being able to fix it all and make it better. But I have to move beyond that. I accept that time has moved on, because I have to, but still feel broken by those failed relationships. It is out of my hands though, so I must let it go. This week I had to process that though and try to shake myself away from feeling bad at kin lost. I have to accept my failings and those of others, and say "it is alright". I have to say and pinch myself until I believe it that "I am alright". Because I am. I cannot bring back a lost kitty, lost grandparents or great-grandparents. But I can accept them, grieve the losses, and be strong enough to let my children see that grief and the resilience that comes with moving on. I have to, because I love them more than anything and they deserve to have a parent that is as stable and imperfect as I can be.
So I guess this week was about healing. It can be an ugly process and I often disparage myself as I move through it. In healing though, once the scar has served its purpose, it falls off to show the fresh new skin underneath. It might be thinner, but it will thicken in time and those scars will be almost invisible to the naked eye. I guess that is what I am gunning for. I have an ugly coat around me, but it will fall off to reveal a beautiful new me underneath. That is the hope anyway.
Peace
Here is my handshake for you.
"I have to say and pinch myself until I believe it that "I am alright". Because I am. I cannot bring back a lost kitty, lost grandparents or great-grandparents. But I can accept them, grieve the losses, and be strong enough to let my children see that grief and the resilience that comes with moving on.'
ReplyDeleteYou're so correct, Katherine.
And you ARE alright. Grieving takes time. It's a process. And I think the best thing we can do is to feel it and experience it (be with it), which assists us in moving along (healing). I think it's when we deny grief, that it stays heavy on our hearts.
"In healing though, once the scar has served its purpose, it falls off to show the fresh new skin underneath. It might be thinner, but it will thicken in time and those scars will be almost invisible to the naked eye."
LOVE how you said that!
Sending ya a BIG Reiki hug....
(((( You ))))
Wishing you a peaceful weekend, my friend.
X
you walked in k...and def sounds like a tough week in the aftermath of last...hang in there...hugs...you are doing good.
ReplyDeleteHugs, my friend. You have had a rough go of late. Hang in there...xoxo
ReplyDelete@Ron: The thing about grief too, is that it will always be there. That loss will always exist, but the hurt will ebb and flow with time. Sometimes something will ring a reminder bell and you can be back in the thick of things. This grief was about the loss of others in my life, in my girls' lives, as a result of Brad's passing.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I survived the week and move forward into tomorrow now. Bless you dear friend for always being there. Hugs back to you Ron. Peace
@Brian: Thank you Brian. It was a crummy week, but this too shall pass, right? I was reminded of bigger issues, by a visit with my Mom, then given some sweet relief from it all with a visit with my sister. I will survive, but I very much appreciate you being there for me. You are a good friend Brian.
ReplyDelete@Me: I am hanging sweet heart. Last week, there was little humour in my mood, but I survive. And having some of the sweetest visitors around fills my heart back up with love. Thank you so much for being a good friend C. It means the world to me.
ReplyDeleteHugs.