"you turn me into somebody loved..."
The lyrics fade away (hear below: The Weepies) and I smile. A tender smile that sneaks into my heart. I believe that. Today sunshine's rays have crept behind my eyes. I see the world through Spring's hinted arrival. It may be a literal arrival, but I am arriving too; a little. Somehow today I feel loved. Anyone in particular, you ask. Not really. A tender friend that called last night just to say I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you. Silly Facebook games that let me know that people think I am worthy of two seconds of their time. Sometimes more. I cross people's minds and I see that. It may just be a random thought for many, but it takes on bigger status in my world today. For so long, I have only been able to see through my eyes and I only see me, my pain, my struggles. I go through periods and epiphanies, but knowing that people care means I matter.
Shhh, shhh, shh, let me talk! I can hear the "of course!"s from here. The point is that I have not seen through other people's eyes, only my own. This of course is not solely today's epiphany. I have been travelling the road of my redemption for a while. It is a big task to save myself from me and I have struggled with it. You may not understand, but I have been my own worst enemy. Not today though. You want to know why? As the lyrics faded in my ears, the smile was for me. As I sat with someone who has listened to many of my turmoils over the last two years, she looked me in the eye and said I was fixed, better, normal. She likes me and respects me and it means more because I believe her, this woman who I met in a professional setting. She called me strong, but not in the patronizing way that comes across from those who don't really know the meaning of strong. I met her eyes and smiled. For me a huge feat, as eye contact has been excruciating at times; windows to the soul and all. And why did I smile? Because I agreed and because the person who turned me into somebody loved...
was me
This has to be my favourite blog post yet.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy with you!
(and for what it is worth, you cross my mind more than once a day) :)