J & G: part IV

This old man sits staring through damaged eyes. How many years ago did he become old? Was it yesterday that this body had these wrinkles? When did these scars appear? By whose hand? Mine? Oh. Yes, it all comes back to me.

The scars on the surface are minor. They mask the scars that still throb on the inside. They are old and often forgotten, but not gone. A flip of the hand in a certain way brings back flashes. The flashes will never fade. Old eyes still look into a boy’s soul. Can I ever have been so young? Could I ever have been so vulnerable? Yes. Sadly, yes. A lifetime of running and searching. Running from a nightmare that will never end. The nightmare that started so many years ago, by a man that has walked the spirit world many years himself. Such power in such awful acts. Uncaring acts that leave the search for peace an odyssey with no horizon in sight. Absolution for an unasked for violation. That is what is sought.

What You Can do to Help

    Last night I was chatting with a friend of mine on Facebook. She knows that we battled cancer in our household and asked if she could ask me a question. "Question away", I said. Well she had a friend who had been recently diagnosed with cancer and was in the beginning throes of the chaos that a cancer diagnosis brings. I am a member of Wellspring and often spout the benefits that I have reaped from this wonderful place. If you have never heard of it, it is a cancer support centre that offers emotional support to those in need. It offers many programs to its members and is free to anyone who has cancer, is a caregiver or friend of someone dealing with cancer. They have been a lifeline to me in my journey the last few years. She was asking me about what exactly they offer and what I knew about children's programs for families dealing with cancer. Ultimately what she wanted to know was "how can I help?". She, like so many others, is afraid of saying something wrong. The unfortunate part of that is that often people just back up and leave you alone, for fear of making you upset. That, in my opinion, is exactly the wrong thing to do. Imagine yourself being faced with a life changing/challenging/threatening disease and having surgery/chemotherapy/radiation thrown at you in a short period of time. Once diagnosis has been made, speed is of the essence and there is no time to sit back and analyse what this means to you and how you feel about it. Seemingly the rest of your life is asked to be put on hold, so that you can tackle the disease. This can become your life. Everything else takes a back seat. It is different and scary and makes you feel alone. This is not a time when you want people to abandon you. You may not be able to fix the problem that is rearing its ugly head, but you can still do something.  I wanted to share the chat I had last night, but unfortunately  lost it. Then I remembered that many moons ago I pondered what was beneficial for me when I was going through the crisis of cancer. I thought I would share those thoughts with you here. Make of them what you will and take whatever you need to;

What You Can do to Help

• 
  
  Listen
• 
  
  Offer hugs, compassion, empathy
• 
  
  Food
• 
  
  it is the last thing one worries about when dealing with a crisis, but important
• 
  
  Shovel snow
• 
  
  Cut grass
• 
  
  Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem odd or dumb
• it is my life however chaotic and your interest is better than pretending nothing is going on and nothing is wrong (EVERYTHING is WRONG!)
• Help with babysitting if appropriate or visit with the sick person so the caregiver can get a break
• Keep calling and keep offering
• some days I am stronger than others and some days I might need more than I've got
• Offer to go to doctor appointments, so the caregiver can get a break
• Offer help with picking up medication, groceries or going to a class together (ex. yoga, meditation), even doing the laundry might help
• Make some days "normal" just by visiting, going for coffee or a drink
• normal is gone, but stability is desperately sought after

I then highlighted in my little book important people to me and why they had been important. I guess it won't hurt to share that either.

My Important People were

• Cris (close girlfriend with children similar age)  - babysitting, playdates (normal), talking about anything, asking questions, Hugs
• Kerry (out-of-town sister)  - daily phone calls and love, listening, visits during crisis with meal making
• Mom (out-of-town) - empathy, love, offering personal insights from her experience (my Father also died from cancer when she had two girls under 5 years of age), regular visits, presence during crisis, meals, laundry, "normal" phone calls
• Carole (yoga teacher and cancer survivor) - asking questions, empathy, sharing personal experiences
• John (friend) - help with painting, listening, offering love
• Jim (husband's co-worker and friend) - regular calls and visits, help with household projects, smiles, love
• Neighbours - friendly smiles, encouragement, help with house maintenance (raking leaves, snow shovelling, coffee/drinks)
• Wellspring - listening, sharing experiences, hugs, safe spot to cry, remind me of loving kindness to self
• Daycare - child minding, help in crisis, listening

This list is not comprehensive, but is what struck me at the time. Some of these people were helpful before and/or after Brad died. I share just to give examples of what might help. I also thought this might be more interesting than my fair of the last week. Be well my friends.

Chinese?

Finished product...

Unfinished product...

Ugh. It won't end. Led to chinese restaurant for dinner. Good, as I have been nothing but grumpy. I figured it was the one nice thing I could do for the girls today.

Exhausted fingers bang out a feeble attempt at a blog post - Day 6 in Reno Land

   I am exhausted. It is 9:05 as I write this and I think I might just go to bed when I finish my post. I have no witticisms tonight. I continued on my quest to redo my living room. The girls and I went to buy more paint this morning and also picked up two new light fixtures for the front door and hallway. We returned home for lunch and when they went down for nap, I grudgingly picked up a paint brush again. Today's task was trim. I suppose I only started around one this afternoon, but I kept at it till dinner. Even then, I only stopped long enough to eat my gourmet chicken pie and noodles and sauce, then pushed myself back to the task at hand. By just before bedtime all the crown mold and baseboard was painted, as well as all the trim around doorways. Perhaps I just work slow, but alas I did not get the doors painted (there are 7 of them). Also, I need to put a second coat of paint on the half wall at the front door and sand the bay window. Of course once the bay window is sanded, it too will need to see paint. Tonight I just don't care anymore though. I did manage to swiffer a little bit of the floor and dust the wine rack, cabinet and end table. They were put back into place. The vacuum needs to make an appearance though before too much more can be moved back into place. I cannot lift another finger though tonight. I give up. And as for tomorrow? On the seven day after creating my world, I shall rest. I promised the girls we would do something fun. They have put up with a lot while I have been busy transforming our world. Either outside play (skating, snowmen?) or a play space of some kind is in order. Monday is another day...

Day 5 - Will it Ever End?

   Ok, I am feeling tired. It is shortly after 4:00 PM and I have knocked off for the day. While I have to admit my living room looks heaps better, I just want it done now! Perhaps a cocktail will perk me up?

   There, that's better! Now where was I? Sip my daiquiri, ahh "turn me loose, turn me loose, turn me loose. I gotta do it my way!" That is what I am doing. Painting my way! I have been listening to to BOB FM this week to keep me company while the work slogs along. Their motto is 80s, 90s and whatever. It amuses me if nothing else (Foreigner, Gowan, Nickleback, Prince, U2 - pretty eclectic). It also helps to give background noise to my brain as it drifts along on the paint fumes. I have attempted conversations on the phone, but find it difficult to stick my tongue out of the side of my mouth, wield a paint brush and think up articulate thoughts in response to friends. Nope, BOB is the perfect background fluff to the single-minded determination to transform my world. If I can convince the girls to let me paint one more day, tomorrow will be even more pertinent to have no distractions. Tomorrow is the hardest day of them all. Tomorrow I have to paint trim. I dread it. Thus far, everything is pretty forgiving. Once I begin the trim though, it is precision work. I am not so good at precision. In words yes, but take away my thesaurus and the world is just good enough. I must try to keep a steady hand. phhauuuughhh. Yuck. I sense the expletives already. I am just about there though. I will persevere and perhaps look forward to a world without paint in it for a moment or two (my bedroom is still on the list of rooms to paint. Colour is picked. Last room to paint). For today,  I close  my dear readers with picks of my progress. Hopefully tomorrow I will step in to the world of cleaning and putting my world back together. That is another days project though.

Be well.