making the call

Fighting back the tears

I reach for 

Help...

"Please help"

I can not do this anymore,

not alone.

I can no longer fight

the war that will not be won.

and I am bleeding...

the shaking begins 

 the story pours out

along with a single,stray, suppressed

tear

i can not do this anymore

i hurt, i ache 

with every beat of your heart

my fears explode

Your ocean drowns me

 nascent blisters pop

unrecognizable excuses of life 

into my face

I shudder - not able to turn away

please help - I can no longer do this

the life raft I offer

is faded, peeling from 

disuse

I can not do this anymore

...

My Shield

"Just take it!" I begged. "It will make you feel better."

She turned her head with a scowl. Slightly feverish lids still had the will power to clamp down and resist. 

"I want dis," she stated. A different bottle was clenched tightly in her fist and she shoved it towards me.

Probiotics. T'would seem I have created a  monster. Telling her that the probiotics would help her body, has suddenly turned on me, when the antibiotics are now refused. I sighed and quickly tried to turn on a different tactic that would not disallow either formula.  

BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!!

I jumped and turned towards the front door. I could barely see a dark shadow hunched there. 

BLAM, BLAM, BLAM, BLAM!!

Again, the insistent hammering came. I cautiously approached the front door, forgetting all about medicine battles. I flicked on the light on the porch and a man emerged from the darkness. 

"Let me in!" he hollered. 

His eyes were wide and had a wild glint to them. A thousand TV detective shows flashed through my mind, as I hesitated and backed away a step. The door was my defense and protector for myself and my children.

"Let me IN!" he yelled again. "Please!"

He looked over his shoulder and squeezed himself towards the door even more. I took a step forward to see what he was shrinking from and saw a dog. Only then did I hear it's insistent barking and see it lunging back and forth in my front yard. 

Now I was torn again. One side of me wanted to save this poor man being attacked by a vicious animal, but another side of my brain whispered caution. Why was the dog barking? Had this young man been trying to break into someone's home? Had he been up to some mischief and the dog knew and was protecting his space? 

The young man again turned to me and flashed a panicked look.

"Please, let me in," he begged as he pulled on the company logo of his coat trying to make me understand that truly he was in trouble and needed help. 

Hesitant, but unwilling to allow more carnage than necessary, I cracked the door open. With panting breath, the poor soul edged into the protection of my home. He explained that he had just been leaving a customer's house a few doors down, when he heard barking. Turning, he had seen a large black shape racing towards him in the dark of night. Not usually one to be afraid of dogs, this time was different. This dog was vicious in its menace and was aimed straight at him. Without another thought, he ran. Mine was the first house he came to. His eyes still focused on the big, black dog that barked and spun mere meters from us.  

He looked at me and said, "I'm sorry I scared you, but I was in a panic."

I nodded and watched the dog snarl and dance. "I would be afraid too", I thought.

"My name's Nathan," he stated. 

I could still see him trembling through his thick overcoat. A shape in the distance drew our attention though. A man was moving up the street towards us, calling as he came. The dog paused to look at the approaching man, but was not yet willing to release his quarry. 

"I have a dog at home," he stated,  "but it's not vicious like that! It would not chase anyone like that."

The other man reached the dog and talked quietly to it, trying to calm it down. 

"Sorry about that, " he yelled towards us. "Hope he didn't scare you."

The dog had scared Nathan, and me through association plenty, but the tension was diffused. The dog jumped and twisted, but finally allowed itself to be leashed by its owner. Only then did Nathan visibly relax some. We watched the dog get led away, then Nathan turned and apologized once more. 

"I am headed straight to my car and not getting out," he declared. 

With that, he was gone. I closed the front door and turned back to the room. My daughter still waited for her medicine where I had left her. Neither she, nor her sister seemed fazed at all by the explosive outbreak that had rocked the house. I went back to my nurse's duties, but my mind dwelt on the incident long after the house was silent for the night. I felt my singleness and vulnerability close around me.  Life was heavy in my hands. A prayer went out to my guardian angels, as I drifted off to sleep with the night wrapped close around me for a shield.

What You Can do to Help

    Last night I was chatting with a friend of mine on Facebook. She knows that we battled cancer in our household and asked if she could ask me a question. "Question away", I said. Well she had a friend who had been recently diagnosed with cancer and was in the beginning throes of the chaos that a cancer diagnosis brings. I am a member of Wellspring and often spout the benefits that I have reaped from this wonderful place. If you have never heard of it, it is a cancer support centre that offers emotional support to those in need. It offers many programs to its members and is free to anyone who has cancer, is a caregiver or friend of someone dealing with cancer. They have been a lifeline to me in my journey the last few years. She was asking me about what exactly they offer and what I knew about children's programs for families dealing with cancer. Ultimately what she wanted to know was "how can I help?". She, like so many others, is afraid of saying something wrong. The unfortunate part of that is that often people just back up and leave you alone, for fear of making you upset. That, in my opinion, is exactly the wrong thing to do. Imagine yourself being faced with a life changing/challenging/threatening disease and having surgery/chemotherapy/radiation thrown at you in a short period of time. Once diagnosis has been made, speed is of the essence and there is no time to sit back and analyse what this means to you and how you feel about it. Seemingly the rest of your life is asked to be put on hold, so that you can tackle the disease. This can become your life. Everything else takes a back seat. It is different and scary and makes you feel alone. This is not a time when you want people to abandon you. You may not be able to fix the problem that is rearing its ugly head, but you can still do something.  I wanted to share the chat I had last night, but unfortunately  lost it. Then I remembered that many moons ago I pondered what was beneficial for me when I was going through the crisis of cancer. I thought I would share those thoughts with you here. Make of them what you will and take whatever you need to;

What You Can do to Help

• 
  
  Listen
• 
  
  Offer hugs, compassion, empathy
• 
  
  Food
• 
  
  it is the last thing one worries about when dealing with a crisis, but important
• 
  
  Shovel snow
• 
  
  Cut grass
• 
  
  Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if they seem odd or dumb
• it is my life however chaotic and your interest is better than pretending nothing is going on and nothing is wrong (EVERYTHING is WRONG!)
• Help with babysitting if appropriate or visit with the sick person so the caregiver can get a break
• Keep calling and keep offering
• some days I am stronger than others and some days I might need more than I've got
• Offer to go to doctor appointments, so the caregiver can get a break
• Offer help with picking up medication, groceries or going to a class together (ex. yoga, meditation), even doing the laundry might help
• Make some days "normal" just by visiting, going for coffee or a drink
• normal is gone, but stability is desperately sought after

I then highlighted in my little book important people to me and why they had been important. I guess it won't hurt to share that either.

My Important People were

• Cris (close girlfriend with children similar age)  - babysitting, playdates (normal), talking about anything, asking questions, Hugs
• Kerry (out-of-town sister)  - daily phone calls and love, listening, visits during crisis with meal making
• Mom (out-of-town) - empathy, love, offering personal insights from her experience (my Father also died from cancer when she had two girls under 5 years of age), regular visits, presence during crisis, meals, laundry, "normal" phone calls
• Carole (yoga teacher and cancer survivor) - asking questions, empathy, sharing personal experiences
• John (friend) - help with painting, listening, offering love
• Jim (husband's co-worker and friend) - regular calls and visits, help with household projects, smiles, love
• Neighbours - friendly smiles, encouragement, help with house maintenance (raking leaves, snow shovelling, coffee/drinks)
• Wellspring - listening, sharing experiences, hugs, safe spot to cry, remind me of loving kindness to self
• Daycare - child minding, help in crisis, listening

This list is not comprehensive, but is what struck me at the time. Some of these people were helpful before and/or after Brad died. I share just to give examples of what might help. I also thought this might be more interesting than my fair of the last week. Be well my friends.