Saturday, July 30, 2011

Saturday's Email of the Week: Need a Giggle

Saturday's Email of the Week

I have been out of the loop this week. It started off me trying to play catch up after being gone for most of last week camping. We had a blast, but it was right back into the swing of things on Monday and trying to get ahead. Thankfully Monday was a good writing day, as Tuesday I started to sneeze. By Wednesday my throat hurt and I went to bed early, only to be like the walking dead sweating and dripping and scrambling for a thermometer. The floor was the only cool place to be, but lying there I just felt too exposed. From whom? No one, but I worried that my children would stumble over me on the way to the bathroom and be worried that I was lying in the hallway. Yeah, it was bad. I managed to fumble back to bed and pretty much stayed there for two days. I was weak, sore and had a metallic taste in my mouth, that today I finally noticed equated to my tongue being gray. Yuck.

With help from a friend delivering tylenol and taking my children to daycare, I managed to sleep most of the rest of Friday away. By the time they came home at 5pm, I was able to finally stand for 5 minutes again. Hooray! I even read stories at bedtime, which I didn't have the throat to do, even if I could have kept my eyes open for long enough. Victory is mine. Well, maybe not victory, as I am still pretty limp, but I will survive.

So I apologize for not being around much the last few weeks. I need a little humour to make me feel more a'rights, so hope you enjoy these dandies from my inbox this week. Feel free to send me anything that you think I might enjoy or want to share on my email of the week. Happy Saturday!

To make this story more relevant, please feel free to substitute
"Florida" or "Georgia" for "Texas"!

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water
balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my
lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house
and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever
come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on
the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to
the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my
legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and
baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next,
so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the
cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to
live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.


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