Step 1: Ugly wallpaper gone

Oh my GOD! What have I done? This is going to be SOOooooo much work! Ackk.

What pray tell am I talking about? This...

And this...

And even down here...

   Renovations begin again. The wallpaper is gone thanks to help for my good friend Nancy, but the work is just beginning. The wallpaper peeled off a good chunk of paint with it, thankfully taking the backing with it, but jeez! Now I have to sand the walls! The mirror that had been at the end of the wall was about fifty million pounds (give or take), therefore absolutely monstrous plugs were used to hold it up. They came out easy enough, but I am going to be playing in mud for a while before I can even think about paint. A little TSP has been suggested as well, as I should clean the walls (step 4 in case you were counting- Oh you're not? Well I am!). Finally I will get a chance to wield a paint brush and roller, when the ceiling gets slathered. Then, finally then, the walls will see some colour (I bought paint that has primer in it, so at least that is one step I get to skip - I'll let you know how it turns out if you are interested.). Hopefully the colour I have chosen works out or else I will be back to the paint store to stare at the wall of paint chips for another hour. The colour I chose was Sand Fossil. Sounds exciting doesn't it? Yeah, it's beige. Whipdee, but I think it will work with what else is going on in the room. I won't see it for a while yet though, so we will see. So, home stretch, but not quite done at that point. Oh no, I have trim to tackle as well. I am sure there are many of you out there that are experts and have no problem with precision, but this is where it gets niggly in my books. There is crown mold and baseboard and a bay window with a nice window nook. All need to get painted. To top it all off, I have this...

That I do not want to deal with at all. This wall is at my front door and all it serves to do is block out valuable sunlight. I would love to tear it down, but still want something there. Just not this. For the interim, it will probably see paint as well though. Perhaps in the spring I will have it reconstructed, but today I shake my head at the tasks in front of me. I bemoaned that this would take me months to complete to Nancy and David as I left them this afternoon.

   "It has to be done by Thursday when we come for dinner!" Nancy stated with a smirk.

Groan! I think I have to go now. I have some mud that is calling my name...

Love

   Grief. What does it mean to me today? It has been a close personal friend of mine over the last two years, but has graced me with its presence at other points in my life as well. Today, it is a badge I can say I have worn with ... not pride. No. I can say I survived with pride. Or I am surviving. The new year brings with it some old familiar twists in my life. Spasms that are not pleasant, but can anticipate, therefore hopefully not be as bad. Last year near this time, I was beginning to anticipate an upcoming stress. I tried to head it off by becoming busy, but only succeeded in flailing and floundering. The stress I knew about piled on "should's" by the yard, but it was an anniversary that I had not anticipated that threatened to wash me away. I tried to face expectations, but just managed to pile them over top of me until I could not breathe. I was trying to take on life and I was not ready. I had been handling all the life I could, and the should I threw at myself pushed me to the edge. I broke, but I reached out a hand and grabbed onto whatever lifeline I could. I was told to be kind. I was offered prayers of peace. I was reminded that this was grief. The wave would recede. I would survive. It was bad, but it was a lesson. Next time, perhaps I could anticipate better. Reach out for help. Not feel alone. There are people there.

   Many have walked through the dark tunnel of grief. It is something we do not talk about. We should. I am constantly surprised by how hard this journey is. Many, many, many moons ago I remember sitting in Wellspring (a wonderful Cancer support centre) after a yoga class. It was my first yoga session after Brad died. A few ladies convinced me to join them for tea after class, as they could see I was upset. They asked me what my story was. I felt sick. It was not my "story"! It was my life! It was raw and more than I could bear. Indeed, it has turned into my story to tell though. It has been a painful story and it is not over yet. I do not have so much pain any more, but I still struggle with who I am and where I am going. This, I am learning, is a common thread though. Sharing my experiences helps me. It not only helps me though. I know my sharing has given others hope and strength where little has been. No one can make all the pain go away. You must walk your path. You must pick up and look at everything along the path of your grief. It is hard work. It takes a long time. Relationships are hard work though and they take time to establish as well. It should not be surprising that grief can cause suffering for so long. We have lost someone that means something to us. One person can fill so many parts of our life. That means that we need to wade through, find all those pieces, accept and mourn every single one of those pieces we have lost. It is a lot of work. It hurts, but for me it has brought great love.

   So why this path today? Is it because I had dinner with my Aunt who is suffering through her own loss? Is it because an anticipated stressor is coming back to the table again? Or is it my little notebook that travelled in my purse last year catching snippets of my life on the fly, that fell across my table this morning and revealed pieces of painful me last year? Or is it just because this is who I am? Grief has touched me. It is a part of me and always will be. I will not always be actively grieving, but my grief will be there forever. I grieve my father, who I could have been, my husband, who we were supposed to be and what we were supposed to have and I grieve the loss of me and who I was. There is a new me that I work on every day. Some days it is not hard. Many days were. Today I reflect.

Contain the new

Frosty sunshine

fills me up with

winter smiles

Too few for any decent body to withstand.

Crunch, crunch

go stomping feet

as laughter peals out

over white and blue you

Ice is everywhere

treetops, eavestroughs

dripping in my heart

Carefully melting in sun with wintery edges

Why heart o' heart
should you melt this way
is not your ice intact
for another day?

It holds me close
Secure in a vise
thoughts held at bay
shards broken and diced

What? broken
why diced?
Not today with play on the way,
.... but on horizons advice.

A new day
A new year
A new start
Let go the fear

So sunshine, o' my sunshine
make me happy
I pray of you
For all the days of yesterday
  cannot contain the new

Stop Playing with your Food!

The morning passed pleasantly in pretend play for my girls.

I was inspired to do a little creativity myself.

And hoped that it would inspire a pleasant eating experience.

It worked for me.

Happy eating!

Love Me

   Thank you, thank you for all the encouraging words my lovies! Some days I just go, go, go and feel energized by the productivity. I crossed a few other things off my (mental) list since writing last. NO, I am not totally mental, thank you very much! Again, thanks for the support! Oh, that's my right brain teasing me. Oops.  Maybe you are as well, but I digress. My other activities were not near so exciting as the list that rolled onto the floor and out the door yesterday. Check mark on making eye appointments for myself and both the girls (first time for my littlest baby!) and picking up eye solution, so that I do not have to peel my contacts from my eyes next week with tongs. I hear you say "Oh glamorous!" and ignore you. For those of you who have been bugging me (mostly my brain again. It is my biggest critic) I finally got my knee looked at. An unexpected opening, so zapped with the old radiation and wait to see if anything comes of it. The rest of the day will find me sifting laundry perhaps (the life of a house wife doesn't get any better! Really!!) and hopefully writing. Probably better stuff than this blog post. I can put on a happy face though and pat me on the back for my little accomplishments. A few phone calls finally made. It is the little things that count. Some days I do not remember this or believe this. I try to remind myself of a comment my Uncle made to my Aunt of three young children many years ago when she was stressed out and upset at the end of the day.

  "Did the kid's eat today? Did they have fun and laugh at all? Did you all survive to the end of the day? If so, it was a good day."

  

   Don't beat yourself up for what you didn't do. Applaud yourself for making it to the end of the day. The sun is still shining (even if there are clouds in front of it) and your heart is still beating. Someone out there loves you (maybe me!). Maybe it should be you!