Not All

Days pass,
steady in their march.
Days pass
standing tall,
I lean into their grace.

Some days
bowed to memory,
bent with responsibility,
shoulders sore with strain;
some days
   I break.

I break
as I need to.
I break
and pour forth
all the tears hidden in
carefully concealed caverns.

I break
full of emotion
overwhelmed by today,
this moment
   Now.

This day
shuddering shoulders squeeze
so inglorious with spit and snot.
I shake the sorrows out
   spent.
This day

Now,
in my weak and wilted way
I lie down
giving up control.
I am not all.
I am just me
doing what I can do
getting stronger for the journey
Now

So what whirlwinds have befallen my world? My children start school in less than a week. I know some of you dear folk have children already started for the week, are home-schooling, or just plain have empty nests so don't even note the turning of the calendar. I have been dreading this day for years now. My children will be starting school the day after Labour Day. I know that I am being a perfectly normal irrational parent by worrying my damn fool head off. Like I said, I have been worrying about this for years. I have preferred to live in the present moment. The here and now, which always had my children and I at leisure to pick and choose our days. The thought of school starting makes me freak about the permanence of it. Once they begin, they are on the steady road to the teen years and beyond. You all tell me how damn fast kids grow. I hear you and BELIEVE you. While I have wished for so many todays to pass, I rue every minute that I have not been the idyllic parent. I have pushed myself to be the best Mom and too many times the best Dad as well. I know I cannot and should not try to be everything, I cannot help trying to provide what I think their father would have wanted and been. I also hear him telling me to relax, when I allow myself to slow down for a minute. When I feel him offering me kindnesses though, I melt. Forever I want him back by my side to watch our children grow. I know he is there and sees, but it is not the same. I know that I do not need to compensate, but I can't help it. I know how to push myself best and push, push, push I do. There have been breakdowns aplenty to show the futility of it, but sometimes I cannot resist. 

So right now, while all I want to do is stop the clock, perhaps run away, I hear him say to stop. I cannot. It will be fine. I know this, but he tells me anyway. I need to hear it, despite the tears that threaten. It is change. It is hard. It happens what comes what may. Change is necessary and holds good. It does. I am still holding tight to my abstinent need to resist up to the bitter end though. Starting school is the start of a new life for us all. Me, I want to stubbornly stick to my pre-school ways and say "I don't wanna!", but the teacher says that I have to 

and the teacher is life...

Summertime

Summer Time

The last few days have been a wonderful break.

Company brought an excursion to the beach

where we encountered soft sand, feathered friends

waves, sailing ships

swimming and sunning to our hearts content.

 I love not feeling like I have to do anything

be anywhere, or worry about what life holds next.

It is all left behind

as the hot sand sears away all responsibilities

and worries of tomorrow.

I wonder what I would do if I lived there

with the beach outside my window

and the waves beckoning day and night

would I still love it?

Of course!

As I would always have stuff like this to come home to

that would drive me right back out again.

Anyone up for the beach again tomorrow?

Fungus Find

"Oh Mom! What is that across the street?" 

yelled over her shoulder

as she runs to the curb. 

She knows not to cross the road without permission.

With a glance out the window

 I recognize that I need a glance out the door

to get closer

 to the mysterious find of hers

"I believe it is a fungus;

from the mushroom family,

but with a closer inspection

we will certainly more see."

Crossing over to inspect

Through camera lens and her eyes

I am drawn back to nature

with wonder at the form and mystery of life.

~~~

I really am constantly bowled over by the view 

of the world through my daughters eyes. 

Just breath-taking and beautiful.

Thank you doesn't do justice to what they offer me.

Busy as a Bee

I have a house full of people. Yesterday I was a busy bee running to pick my aunt up from my Mother's house so that she could visit for the weekend. She is visiting from BC.

Things might be backwards around these parts for a few days while we visit. Today we will just be hanging around. A friend of mine is in hospital for an operation, so her daughter was here for a sleepover last night. Pizza and movies were up for entertainment last night. Today is scheduled down-time.

So while it might be painful at times, I don't think you will see as much of me for the next few days. I might be around, but weather depending we could hit the beach for sun and fun. A farmer's market might provide a spell of entertainment. The Aberfoyle Antique Market is calling my name. All good fun, but I will miss you all terribly. I promise to come visiting as soon as the house clears out again. In the meantime my friends, I wish you all a fantastic weekend. MWAHHH!!!

Cheerio