Wednesday - Yoga for the soul

I went to do the last of my gardening for Michelle today. I really did not do too terribly much out in the garden, to be fair, but its immediate need was winding to a close. The frost in the air has signalled the end of active gardening for the season. The outside world tasks change to leaf raking, putting away of hoses and garden ornaments, planting spring bulbs and pulling up summer ones. My season of gardening is done.

It is a heavy feel. I made a difference for Michelle and offered what I could. She appreciated the help. It was a precious gift. So where do I go from here? I have been watching Murray and feeling for him in his waning days with the love of his life. Now she is gone. Now he is alone and must accept that so that he can move on to the next stage of his life. It is nowhere near as easy to do as the writing of it may suggest. While I was visiting with Murray I kept on saying "This is hard work." It is the hardest work one could ever imagine having to do. It is physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically exhausting. Anyone who has ever touched loss in an intimate way would probably have more to add to this, but for those who haven't it is a start. I have to stop though. This is Murray's journey. Murray must make this trek on his own. I am giving him emotions through my experience and that does not do him justice or ultimately myself. I was reminded this afternoon that I still need to take care of me. At two years into the loss of my beloved husband and partner, I was told I am still fresh in my grief. I still have far to go. How can that be?

Life is quite the journey with many lessons to learn. My lesson today was that I do matter. I mattered to Michelle for a brief while, so that she could savour her garden one last time. I mattered to Murray, so that I could give him more time with Michelle and sharing of stories both good and bad. I matter to Randolph, who seems to think that I am a worthy person and is happy to see that I am beginning to believe it. I matter to my children, who run with smiles and screaming "Mommy!" with joy when I come to pick them up from daycare. I know that I could add many more to the list and it is a good thing. The last person I will add today though is a woman who used to attend yoga with me over a year ago. She was recovering from cancer treatments and was doing well, but had other health concerns at the time. She started into my class again today. After class she walked over to me and asked when we had seen each other last. I was reminded again of how I touch people as she shared that she had gone through another bout of cancer completely unrelated to the first. She more or less pushed and diagnosed some of it herself. She knew something was wrong with her and praised yoga and its ability to get oneself in touch with one's body as helping her to do this. Whether she believed in the benefits of yoga before, she overwhelming believes know. And she walked over to me and had to share her story with me. I know her, but only through once a week yoga from over a year ago. It touched me that she felt the need to share with me. I must mean something to her too. Not the world, but just a little piece of it. It makes me smile. It is good.

The Circle of Life

The weather has been pretty wet and, dare I say it, crappy the last couple of weeks. We have had more rain than sun. It is hard on the psyche. It is also hard on time management when you have outside chores to do. Last week the only day without rain in these parts was Thursday, so I hurredly planted some bulbs for Brad. I then ran home and cut the grass in my yard, hoping that was the last time. The whole while I was looking at the calendar trying to figure out when I was going to get out to Michelle's house. The weather did not co-operate. The weekend broke and with kids in tow I cannot garden at my house, let alone someone else's.

So today dawned gray, but not raining. As I lay in bed flip-flopping last night I thought about calling Michelle first thing in the morning to head to her house in the morning. I dropped off the girls and the vehicle veered towards downtown. A quick stop at Corner Furniture to check for bed hardware ended up seeing me drive all the way across town to Lee Valley, then Home Depot for appropriate screws. All the while no rain. I arrived home at lunch, figured it was too late to go over to Michelle's, so made soup out of the pumpkin that I had cut up in the fridge. I was supposed to make the soup the day before, but got waylaid by a trip out to O'Sheas with Paul and Jordan. Perhaps a wrong call there, as when I went to turn the cucumbers that I bought Saturday afternoon into pickles this afternoon, I found them rotting! Ack. So, instead of calling Michelle to make a date for gardening tomorrow, I ended up running back out to Thomas Brothers (farmers market) to get more cucmbers, only to find them done for the season. A lot of running, for naught.

I finally slowed down enough to pick up T and R from daycare with a quick gab in to David. T's suggestion of pizza for dinner was well received, so "Monsters Inc" entertained us while we dined gourmet style. At 7:30 I thought to call Michelle about tomorrow. The phone rang and rang and was finally picked up by Michelle's sister. I knew it wasn't her, but asked anyway. I knew that it was bad, as soon as she said who it was. She said "they" figure Michelle will not make it through the night. Stop

When I got the idea of gardening for people in my head, I knew it could be like this. Or did I? I helped a woman out during her last days. She loved her garden and I just wanted her to still be able to love it, despite not having the strength to give it attention herself. I am so sad right now though. Not that I knew Michelle that well. I did not know her or Murray at all before knocking on their door a month and a half ago. It is such a difficult time of life though. Death is a very hard process. My heart aches for Murray. Michelle was such a strong and positive lady. I am honoured to have met her and been allowed to get to know even a little bit of her. Goodbye Michelle. Be at peace.

Sunny days

I had the generous pleasure of working in someone's garden today. I have been given the opportunity to take someone's personal space that they love and make it a little better. The woman is very ill and is allowing me to putter in her corner of the world. She has a beautiful garden and I get to freshen it up. It makes the earth smile, her and her husband smile and myself smile right back. It feels wonderful and the smile that it put on my face was reflected back at me from several other people over the rest of the day. I thrive on those smiles and hugs. They mean as much from strangers as from old friends and they all equate to a better world. Hopefully tomorrow someone will share a smile with me that will shine through the rest of my day. Maybe my own genuine smile will brighten someone else's day and that will touch you too ...

I have an idea in my head that has been rolling around since the spring. It seems to be finding a bit of a footing in my world and I am rather excited by it. I would love feedback from anyone. Interested parties in receiving my administrations please apply. Let's spin the karma wheel and hold on tight ....

Green Hands Helping

We all carry challenges in our life. Some are given tasks of injury, disability or disease. There is a physical aspect to these challenges, but they also incorporate a mental and emotional struggle. I have had my emotional stresses and continue to work through them on a daily basis. The ordeal that I have struggled with was to find a means to survive my grief process and find meaning in living life again. We all have our stories to tell.

One of the places that has brought me peace has been my garden. Connecting with the Earth has calmed me and helped me to see life through kinder eyes. I can create beauty and foster life and growth. That has been the challenge for my personal self. I try to see my growth through the love I offer to Mother Nature. It is a good energy and good meditation for me. I can be one on one with myself and be happy with myself. It is a gift given and received warmly.

When challenges come upon us, life takes on a different nature. We multi-task and prioritize what needs to be taken care of and what can be let go. Sometimes in the stress of the moment, we have to let go of things we care about. While it may offer something to us, it just does not fit into the priority list. I have lived through the stress of disease and know that survival is the key goal. Life takes on a different tone and we do what we can to survive.

I want to offer my services in your time of stress. Cancer has left its mark on me and I heal myself through working in the earth, through helping in the garden. I love my garden. I know the pain of letting go of parts of oneself due to circumstances beyond your control. I want to offer a little of your old normal back and some beauty back, where stress has left its strain. Let me trim, prune, weed and dig, so that you can have time to stop and smell the roses. So that you can stop and see the roses. The ugly weed of cancer in your heart and disarray in your garden do not have to be. Let me help you and in turn help me.