Saturday's Email of the Week: The Dating Game

Saturday's Email of the Week

I love this! Make sure to watch the video to the very end. Its priceless! I can so relate.

Welcome to the dating scene...

 
BOB from Jacob Frey on Vimeo.

Saturday's Email of the Week: Memories...

Saturday's Email of the Week

Its Saturday! Not quite back to quiet boring Saturdays just yet though, I am afraid. It will be a busy day today, but a good one. We are celebrating my littlest baby's 5th birthday today! There will be ice cream cake, glow-in-the-dark bowling, stinky shoes and a gaggle of kids hopped up on sugar and adrenaline driving me crazy! But I won't have to clean up the mess afterwards, so I am ready to go! The house will have to be cleaned though, as my sister will be in town for the festivities, but it makes for a good excuse to pull out the vacuum. Now, off to climb on and zoom we go! 


Happy Saturday all! Here's your bit of humour and history lesson for the week:

***

Have you ever wondered  why our great grandparents all had such fond  memories of their youth?

Well... I'm  surprised they remembered anything at all  !!!

Forget Tums &  Tylenol.

Forget Aleve &  Benedryl. 
Look at the cool  stuff they had back then!

A bottle of Bayer's   'Heroin'. Between 1890 and  1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive  substitute for morphine..
It was also used  to treat children suffering with a strong cough.
And not once did my grandmother offer me  Metcalfe Coca Wine when we went to her place for dinner!

Coca Wine, anyone? Metcalf's Coca Wine  was one of a  huge variety of wines with  cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say  that it would make you happy and it would also  work as a medicinal  treatment. 

Mariani  Wine.Mariani wine (1875)  was the most  famous Coca wine of it's  time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one  bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo  Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold  medal.

Maltine.Produced by the  Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York . It  was suggested that you should take a full glass  with or after every meal. Children should only  take half a glass.



A  paperweight:
A paperweight  promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (  Mannheim , Germany ). They were proud of being  the biggest producers in the world of products  containing Quinine and Cocaine. 

Opium for   Asthma:At 40% alcohol plus  3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure  you... but you didn't care!

Cocaine Tablets   (1900).All stage actors,  singers, teachers and preachers had to have them  for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the  voice.

Cocaine drops for  toothache.Very popular for  children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the  pain, they made the children very happy!


Opium for  newborns.I'm sure this would  make them sleep well.  (not only the Opium,  but also the 46% alcohol)




It's no wonder they  were called, "The Good Old  Days".

>From cradle to  grave... everyone was STONED  !!!

Saturday's Email of the Week: Not For the Faint of Heart

Saturday's Email of the Week

Ok, I am going to pick on a certain retail store today. See if you can guess what it is before you watch the video. While I have been known to shop there before, I can't help but pass along these gems. I am sure some of you have seen snippets of this, but I am feeling nasty and am going to share anyway. I am going to start with a picture (that just makes me want to pee myself, but also makes me kind of sad),

then I am going to jump to this video. This just makes me want to either wet myself or run screaming for the hills, never to shop there again (unless I pick up some hot pink spandex that is slashed enough to show off all of my 50 tattoos, hickeys and bruises collected on my trailer trash body - NOT!)

 

Did I warn you to put down your coffee cup this morning? Oops, sorry. Well, have a lovely weekend folks. I am road tripping again today. Off to the Big Smoke with a certain someone to take in some dinner, music and hopefully dancing. The best part is that it is minus kids! Woohoo!!!!! See ya!

Saturday's Email of the Week: Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

Saturday's Email of the Week

Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian friends! I am sure you aren't surprised to learn that I am travelling this weekend because of it. The joys of having relatives spread all over the place. We are looking forward to a warm and sunny weekend  here(mid-20s in Celsius- not sure the translation for F, but thinking in the 80s). I have thrown off the shackles of work and am about to put on my walking shoes. The woods are calling! My sister and I are about to embark on an adventure with all the kids, collecting leaves, pine cones, acorns and more for a Thanksgiving centerpiece for dinner tomorrow. Therefore I have to fly, before I get yelled at!

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and enjoy the fine weather. I leave you with a little humour to go out into your weekend with. Peace!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a  Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"         So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old  ladies, two in the  front seat and three in the  back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
 
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should  know that  driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other   drivers."
 
"Slower than the speed  limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit  exactly...twenty-two kilometers an hour!"...the  old woman says a bit proudly. 
 
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
 
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway189."

Saturday's Email of the Week: Busyness

Saturday's Email of the Week

Oh, oh, It's Staurday night! My week passed in a blur and now is almost over. To be perfectly honest, I have not even thought of my computer today either. Ran the kids to their rolling & tumbling class this morning. Ran at the gym (cross trainer actually, but whatever). Ran home for lunch. Threats of frost this evening had me racing to get my rosemary plant out of the ground and into the house. I barely had time to wash the stink off & get a present wrapped, before getting T. to her birthday party this afternoon. Run, run, run some more! Another birthday party tomorrow will have us out of the house again, but I hope that I will be able to find a few minutes of down time at some point. Mind you, the floor is in desperate need of a cleaning...

Ach, worries for next week. It will be another packed week in anticipation of the short week following, but that's okay. For right now, I think that I will just leave this short and sweet. All the running seems to have my time management skills a little sharper, so there is small mercies. And in general, a smile plays across my lips. Life is good.

Today.

but of course perhaps this is my problem...

Saturday's Email of the Week - Time to Breathe

Saturday's Email of the Week

My week has been a whirlwind of activity. With two new clients, plus a few other existing clients, I have had to learn how to better utilize my time management skills. Hmm, yeah. Have to say that they have sucked so far this week. Up late most nights and crossed eyed in the morning over coffee. What with a "Meet the Teacher" night thrown in mid week, a PA day at the end of the week and a house full of guests expected for the weekend, I feel like I have not had a minute for me at all. We still made it to swimming lessons, ergo a dip in the pool for me too, but my aquatics class was vetoed due to eye appointments for the girls. Always at the bottom of the list it would appear.

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining though. I am thrilled to have new clients. In fact thrilled to be able to say I have clients at all! Last year at this time, I was blogging away for myself like mad, half-heartedly blogging for a baby boutique and doing some basic PR work for a friend's blog talk radio show. Better than nothing, but not like this year. Can I tell you a secret? I even had business cards printed out a while back, as it looked like I just might have need of them. And oh boy, I have! Well, I have given them out to friends, family and a few other souls, but still!

So before the rooster crows morning, I will leave you with a brief look at what my week has looked like via my inbox.

"you okay?" - SL


"send along the info about this story you mentioned" - DC

"Can I drop off your wood about 1:30?" - CM


"retweeted to 729 followers" - AI


"Check out my stuff" - MC


"today i am in a very awkward state. i could use a word or two from a friend. my love to y'all in an attempt not to hate." - JT


"I'll get back to you on time, but dinner first would be fun" - CA 


"Let me know so I can present the idea to the board" - ME 


"A new device named "home" logged into your Facebook account"


"LAUGH!!!!!" - BL


"Register before September 23rd" - LSBC


"Would you consider writing a press release" - MC


"My goodness! I'm speechless for once. Thank you so so so so much." - SP


"I hope all is well" - CM

I like that last one. How about one more that put a smile on my face from BL. I hope you all have a great weekend and find time to stop and smell the roses! I sure am going to try (after I vacuum the house, wash the sheets on the beds, mop the floor, buy some groceries, clean the counters and put away the salsa that I canned a few days ago). Agggghhhhhh!

~~~

 The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade..

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could
be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man.. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or
sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking Bran
Flakes.

We could have been here ten years ago!'

Saturday's Email of the Week: Reaping the Rewards

Saturday's Email of the Week

Happy Saturday all!

I have to be honest with you. This week was not what I expected at all. I don't know quite what I was expecting, but I was riding off of saying goodbye to my friends/teachers from daycare, losing a client and finally losing my babysitter. To say the least, I was not in a very good mood. Kind of glum in fact. I had a big internal pout on and thought about crying into my shoes. 

Instead, I bought mulch and gardened. Mother Nature has a way of taking all your ills and whisking them away, while you toil in the dirt. At least that is how it works for me. A little meditation if you will, as I imagine things growing here, flowers blooming there and edible bits popping up in the lawn (yes, clover, violets and dandelions are all edible!). I am in the moment while debating terra firma and the rest of the world disappears. 

On Saturday last, I pulled every plant out of a small garden and rearranged it freshly and nice. It all started with a peony that refused to bloom. People say that they are particular about their depth - too deep or too shallow and they will not bloom (YUP!). So I uprooted it (to show it what for), set it aside, then debated where to replant it. That lead to the day lilies coming out, the balloon flowers moving to the front, irises being added into the mix and wishing adieu to the transcendentia. I can't always visualize so well, so I just pulled them all out, added in some new and divided the others to replant elsewhere. By the time I was done, it looked much better, but all the existing mulch had either been turned under or ran for the hills while I wasn't otherwise engaged with staring blankly at the blank slate of dirt that I had created. 

So with plants newly arranged, I headed out to the closest big box store on Monday and purchase me 6 more bags of mulch to disperse hither and yon. Most in the 'new' garden, but a bunch in places where divisions found new homes as well. I might have been just hiding from responsibility just a little bit, but at that point I didn't care. My internal pout felt pretty comfortably in place and I used the full moon as another excellent reason to indulge my escapist whims. I have to say, by the time I was done, it looked pretty darn good too. 

Eventually I could not ignore the clock any more though. I might have been down a client, but there was still work to do and only so many hours left before I would have to pick the kids up from school. Plus we were expecting friends for dinner. They always come with wine and sympathetic ears, so I kept that thought in mind and plodded through the rest of the afternoon.

Well, wouldn't you know, but they brought good news in tow! At a Car-Free Festival, I had met a woman who was a friend/business associate to my dear friend. They had chatty chatted about me in my absence, and lo and behold, the woman is in need of some social media help. By mid-week, we had a coffee date and I had a new client in my roster! Not only that, but another friend of mine contacted me the same day asking about this "social media thing" and wondering if there was a reason to get into it as a small business person. He showed up at my house with coffee in hand and left with a promise from me that we would start him out on a new path too! Two new clients on the same day!

So with my head spinning by the end of the week, I look forward to a new start next week with fresh clients, new and very different topics, and an upgraded schedule to set my days. I am excited for the challenge, nervous about how I will handle it, but ready to face the day. Perhaps my reward for tending to Mother Nature's patch was a little helping hand in the fate department? I am going to take that as a yes and head into the weekend with a smile on my face and a much lighter heart. And with that I leave you with a little light-hearted humour to go out into your day with. 

Daddy, how was I born? 


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat roomon Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button ,nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down...You'll love this 

.......

......

.....

....

...

..

.

\/

...... 'You got Male!

Saturday's Email of the Week: A Look Back

Saturday's Email of the Week

Goodness, a little late this week! The week has come and gone and now its Saturday already. It has been a busy, strange kind of week with much new goings on. For starters, the children started back to school. I held up much better this year, as compared to last. To be honest, I had a harder time letting go of the fact that we were saying goodbye to the daycare that we had been attending for the last six years. The ladies there were all warm and loving individuals that not only physically took care of my children, but made me feel like a part of all of their families. I tried not to break down too much, but there were more than a few tears shed in anticipation of the last time we would walk out their doors. I was not the only one with tears in my eyes though. It reaffirmed our connection, getting those teary hugs from many staff who were just as sad to see us go.

My writing and crafty self could not help but get involved in our goodbyes either (surprise). I made up a collage of snippets with what the girls had to say about individual teachers and mack-tacked it together to offer it to them. Here are just a few examples of the love that the girls poured forth;

“Cindy is a special person because she makes my life feel better sometimes. Cus she gives me a hug and she helped my do a nice craft today (Ie. Making books)” - words from my 4-year old

“I like her because she helps me exercise. And I like her because she tries to tickle me and sometimes does. ” - just one of the nice things that my 6-year old had to say about her teachers

And you know that I couldn't resist getting a few words in edgewise. I am pretty sure that I made a number of the teachers cry with my heartfelt missive of what they meant to me.

"Over the years, I have seen both of my girls grow and mature. I believe watching their father die has made them more sensitive and compassionate souls, and many times the E--- staff has pointed that out to me. The staff has always treated my girls as nothing short of normal and when I felt so far from that myself, that was a godsend. I constantly had staff ask about my days, weekends and family life. She might not have realized it at the time, but every time that K- remarked on a new haircut I got, I wanted to hug her, kiss her and/or cry. There was no one else to even notice if I did anything to my appearance. You were my family. B- encouraged T’s creativity and C- encouraged R’s sense of self. K-, M- and C- are always at the ready with tickles and both my girls always screech in delight at the sight of you. While some of you I have not gotten to know as well as others, you have all been an integral part of my family. You let me tinker in your garden every year and gave me thumbs up for the effort, when really it was one of the few ways I could think of to give back. Having R- at my side was a special moment for me that first year with my fingers in the dirt. Years later having L- approach me as the “Gardening Mom” and asking my advice made me feel special and kind of proud. You all have truly helped me grow back into me. Whether it was insisting that I stop, eat and talk, the week following my cousin’s death, or sensitively asking how to handle Father’s Day, I have always felt respected, cared for and loved. It was always offered so genuinely, that I could not help but absorb every ounce of it."

Now I get teary at the memory of it again. No time though as the girls are starting a Rolling & Tumbling Class today. We started back to swimming lessons and I have started back into a more active lifestyle by exercising myself while they are in the pool or at school. So now, time to go, go, go! I wish you all a fabulous weekend and hope that your first week back to school and September went well. I leave you with a little funny that showed up in my mailbox last week from one of my regular contributors to my laugh track. Peace!

Older Love Making

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking:

'If I'd known she was a virgin,

I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking:

'If I'd known he could still do it,

I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'

Saturday's Email of the Week: Snap Happy

Saturday's Email of the Week

Ok, I am going to be a little serious today. We are going into a long weekend and I know that many of you will be out and about with the family, quite possibly snapping a few pictures along the way. I know I certainly will be! Please watch this video before you head out today though. It will give you something to think about before you post any of those photos online.

I don't have a blackberry, smartphone or iphone of any sort, but this video is a little scary. While I don't have one, I can think of a whole bunch of other folks who do. I wouldn't doubt if some of you, my good readers have one as well. This video discusses the ability to track your location, via your phone. While you might think, "I know where I am!", what you don't want is every Tom, Dick and Scary Harry to know that though. This might be a little reactionary, but there are some questionable folks out there. So play safe and be aware of what you do with all the pictures that you take!

Happy Long Weekend everyone!


  

Saturday's Email of the Week: Somebody Hand Me a Kleenex

Saturday's Email of the Week

Oh my GOD, I thought I was going to stop breathing while watching this! I laughed so hard during the video that tears were literally squirting out of my eyes. My sides hurt and I worried that the girls would sleepily wander down the hall wondering what all the noise was about. While they remained blissfully sleeping, I snorted and chortled right through to the end of the skit.

Now technically this video was directed to me through Facebook, but I got an email that it was there from my inbox. And I went directly to Youtube to watch it, effectively avoiding losing 10 minutes of my life scanning my Facebook wall, so I think it counts! Anyway, it is my call and I think that this video is well worth sharing, even if any of you have seen it before. If you've never seen "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", then you are in for a treat. Put down your coffee and just try to keep poker-faced while you watch the antics of Drew Carey (super funny host), Ryan Stiles (a way tall drink of water), Wayne Brady (so dreamy!), Colin Mochrie (Canadian, eh!) and a surprise guest!

I hope that your week didn't end too wet. As I write this, it is too early to tell how bad Irene will be, but she is all over the news. I wish you all health, security, and happiness, plus a dry bed at night. Be well.

Peace.

Saturday's Email of the Week: A Religious Debate

Saturday's Email of the Week

I am out of town today at a wedding. I should be up by now showering, doing hair and makeup & trying to convince the girls that they should let me do their hair as well. At least I should have Grandma to help me out, so maybe she can pull their hair into cute little piggies to set off their fancy dresses. I shall be pulling on a brand new dress with a set of pretty new shoes to go with. I would like to say I am a girlie girl, but this was my first new dress in about 13-14 years. My other fancy dress that has always been my stand-by staple was one I wore as a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding. I figured it was time that I could do with a little fresh gussying up. Perhaps I will be able to have someone snap a picture or two so that I can share. Until then, I leave you with this week's email of the week. It came in early in the week and got a good snort from me. I hope you enjoy! Have a super weekend!

The Pope and The Rabbi


Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine

*******************************

Saturday's Email of the Week: Cleaning Day

Saturday's Email of the Week

I am lost in the chaos that is my basement. We are in the middle of one of our 1-2 hour long clean-up sessions. Lord help me! The day started with homemade muffins, but it is noon and I am ready for a drink!

No time though. I must go back downstairs with the vacuum now. I might even pull out the mop, while I hand dusters to the kids. How does it always get so bad, so fast? I ask you!

Well, this calls for humour, since there isn't much downstairs. I hope you all have sparkly Saturdays! I will be needing a bath and a drink in a few!

*****

Good morning, this is called following instruction precisely...


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"


 He replied, "They had eggs."


This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males.

have a nice day......

~*~*~

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and CBIC bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the CBIC Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

CBIC: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'

CBIC: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

CBIC: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

CBIC: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?'

CBIC: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

CBIC: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

CBIC:(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'(Lawyer info given)

CBIC: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: fax number is given.

After they get the fax:

CBIC: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

CBIC: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

CBIC: 'That might help.'

Family Member: Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number

CBIC: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f**k do you do with dead people on your planet?'

Saturday's Email of the Week: Thoughtfulness

Saturday's Email of the Week

I am feeling a far cry better this week than I was last Saturday. Hoo boy, but that strep infection knocked me on my behind in a big way. Very nasty stuff, and no I do not have the pleasure to have picked it up by sucking face with some poor slob that would pass me those kinds of cooties. Many of you kind people did inquire nicely as to my health too, and for that I thank you. On Monday, I couldn't lift a case of pop. Tuesday, my brain was still firing on only half its cylinders (making writing for a living pretty painful!), but by the end of the week it was coming back to me. Well, I guess you can be the judge of my mental state though. What say you?

Ok, who asked you anyway!!

So one of the lovely people that tried to cheer me up was Penny, from over at Alias Jinksy. Last week, I shared a joke about the heat in Texas (or insert whatever hot place you might call home). She responded by sharing this beautiful picture that she crafted in my email inbox. I was touched and love this beautiful rainy day scene. You made my day with a gift of thoughtfulness Penny!

I also got a video from my trusty source Bill that made me laugh out loud. He is always so thoughtful to fill my inbox with a vast array of emails to peruse. Well, this week I have needed the laughs so... After feeling like everything coming out of my mouth was dumb, dumb and dumber, this was right up my alley. Oi Vey, but my brain got lost in the slow shuffle! While this doesn't improve my brain functioning, a little laughter doesn't hurt either. 

And just to let you know, I won't be responding to any comments until later this evening or tomorrow, as the girls and I went to their father's aunt's trailer for a visit. Just a short road trip, but overnight this year! Yippee, off to Ipperwash!

Saturday's Email of the Week: Need a Giggle

Saturday's Email of the Week

I have been out of the loop this week. It started off me trying to play catch up after being gone for most of last week camping. We had a blast, but it was right back into the swing of things on Monday and trying to get ahead. Thankfully Monday was a good writing day, as Tuesday I started to sneeze. By Wednesday my throat hurt and I went to bed early, only to be like the walking dead sweating and dripping and scrambling for a thermometer. The floor was the only cool place to be, but lying there I just felt too exposed. From whom? No one, but I worried that my children would stumble over me on the way to the bathroom and be worried that I was lying in the hallway. Yeah, it was bad. I managed to fumble back to bed and pretty much stayed there for two days. I was weak, sore and had a metallic taste in my mouth, that today I finally noticed equated to my tongue being gray. Yuck.

With help from a friend delivering tylenol and taking my children to daycare, I managed to sleep most of the rest of Friday away. By the time they came home at 5pm, I was able to finally stand for 5 minutes again. Hooray! I even read stories at bedtime, which I didn't have the throat to do, even if I could have kept my eyes open for long enough. Victory is mine. Well, maybe not victory, as I am still pretty limp, but I will survive.

So I apologize for not being around much the last few weeks. I need a little humour to make me feel more a'rights, so hope you enjoy these dandies from my inbox this week. Feel free to send me anything that you think I might enjoy or want to share on my email of the week. Happy Saturday!



To make this story more relevant, please feel free to substitute
"Florida" or "Georgia" for "Texas"!

Dear Diary,


Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.


June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.


June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.


July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water
balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my
lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes
again.


July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts.


July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house
and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever
come here?


Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.


Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on
the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to
the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my
legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and
baked cat.


Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next,
so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the
cactus can't live in this damn heat.


Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot
to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for
you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to
live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Saturday's Email of the Week: Suggestion to Beat the Heat - Cucumbers

Saturday's Email of the Week

Well, this week I am out of town sweating away in a little tent with the girls. I am not writing from there, as we are without running water, electricity or many of the other luxuries that we are so accustomed to. No, I am close to the Tomato Capitol of Canada and near the southern-most tip of our great country. Yup, reporting to you from Wheatley Provincial Park today and headed to the beach again. 


But just because I am off goofing around making 'smores and sitting fireside, doesn't mean I won't share a little something with you from the old email inbox from this week. This interesting email was an informative little number all about cucumbers. Enjoy!


PS. If they are such a great way to rehydrate, we might have to stock up on them, as before we left for our camping holidays, heat alerts were being issued all across Southern Ontario. I foresee lots of beverages being drunk, cucumbers being eaten and plenty of water play at the beach.

WOW! 

WHAT A LITTLE GEM THE CUCUMBER IS.
I WILL LOOK AT IT DIFFERENTLY NOW.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need. Every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon? Put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a Cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that Quick pick-me-up that can last for Hours.

 3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a Cucumber slice along the mirror. It will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, Spa-like fragrance.

 4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few Slices in a small pie tin and your garden will Be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give Off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

 5. Looking for a Fast and easy way to remove cellulite before Going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or Two of cucumbers along your problem area for a Few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber Cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, Firming up the outer layer and reducing the Visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles Too!!!

 6. Want to avoid a hangover or Terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B Vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that Afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers Have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for Quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and You realize that you don't have enough time to Polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber Over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a Quick and durable shine that not only looks Great but also repels Water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a Cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire Cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water. The chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce Stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a Business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 Seconds to eliminate bad breath, the Phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but it won't leave streaks and won't harm You fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a Pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the Cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen Writing, also works great on crayons and markers That the kids have used to decorate the Walls!!

 Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to Solve life's everyday Problems...

Saturday's Email of the Week: Birthday Wishes All Over Again

Email of the Week

While this video came to me compliments of Facebook, I did get an email regarding other songs by the same band. I personally liked "Cake" best though, so thought I would share it here with you.

The occasion this week was a friend's birthday. A long-lost friend and erstwhile boyfriend. In fact, the recipient of this song was my very first boyfriend. He was the one who introduced me to ska and began to open the door for me to an alternative world. When I met him, he was a skin head, rode a motorcycle, owned a scooter, and managed to cook me a shaky meal of spaghetti (with the help of telephone step-by-step directions from a sweet friend that couldn't resist helping the petrified young man). He bought me a super-soft teddy bear with flowers for our first Valentine's Day. No boy had ever given me anything as sweet as that before.

Ah yes, I was 17 and smitten, but there were underlying problems that just couldn't be resolved. This dear boy gave me a taste of pure romance, but lived an achingly long drive away. An hour and a half drive, once a week, every other, then finally once a month killed this fledgling relationship. I was in high school and he was a  college man. Our futures were uncertain and ultimately I bet against them. When I broke his heart, I broke mine too. My young years somehow knew that it was the right thing to do though.

but damn, it hurt.

For my fellow Cancer friend, I share this song today though. He always made me laugh and had an endearing smile. I am lucky to call him a friend still.

So for Saturday's email of the week, I share with you "Cake", by Rather Good. Perfect, I think. Happy Saturday everyone. And happy birth-month to all my fellow cancers out there celebrating a birthday this month. WE ROCK!

Saturday's Email of the Week: Good Canadian Fun

Saturday's Email of the Week

I totally wish that I had received this email last week to share with you for Canada day! This week's email/video came from my Mother. I know that she is a fan of comics and I have seen her bust a gut watching this guy before. Russell Peters is an hilarious Canadian comic hailing from just down the road from me in Brampton. While Peters has since relocated to LA, he still comes home to hang with his Canadian friends and family that helped to start him on his path to fame. And what is his path to fame paved with - jokes poking fun at every ethnic group under the sun. While he often pokes fun at his Indian heritage, the video today ribs his good ole Canadian peeps. No doubt, eh! 

Enjoy and Happy Saturday!

Saturday's Email of the Week: Keeping it Light

Saturday's Email of the Week

So Saturday has arrived again. I have to say, it has been a crazy week, what with trying to get ready for the long weekend this weekend. Nothing that can't wait until another day, in the grand scheme of things though. I managed to get most everything done that I wanted to before sneaking away for a visit with the grandparents. Right about now, I am hoping to either be sleeping in, or perhaps lounging in Grandpa's boat catching a few rays, if not a few fish for dinner. It sounds like we will have company as well, as my sister shall be descending upon the family gathering as well. Woot, woot!! Happy Canada Day celebrations shall be had!

I hope that you all are having a wonderful weekend as well and that my American friends are enjoying their own long weekend fun in the name of the 4th of July. I will raise a glass of cheer to all of us celebrating our nations! Hip, hip hooray for summertime & the LONG weekend!!

In keeping with the spirit of celebration, I am leaving this light and fun today. Here is a funny video about the joys of exercise and the stairs, plus maybe I will throw in a little joke afterwards as well.

Happy long weekend all!

A BIBLE FOR MOM

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers .

One evening , they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " And I had a large theatre built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
Good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom

Saturday's Email of the Week: Adding This One To My Bucket List

Saturday's Email of the Week

Okay, this is a pretty wicked looking adventure excursion. I might have to add it to my bucket list at some point. If I had one, that is. While I might just start out with plain old skydiving, can you believe parahawking? I have never even heard of that, and I bet it would be an amazing thrill! You have to check this out.



Happy Saturday everyone! I am still buried under a mountain of strawberries after last weekend's strawberry picking excursion, but the goodies are lining up on the shelves; strawberry jam, strawberry-raspberry freezer jam, strawberry syrup, strawberry lemonade (concentrate). I still want to attempt strawberry leather, and am debating between strawberry-rhubarb jam or strawberry-banana jam. What do think? Anyone else have any good strawberry recipes?