How do you manage to stay positive? I visit beautiful places like GardenMama and see a steadfast belief in the human spirit. I admire it. I wonder if there is always such kind thoughts in the author's mind or if she ever slips. I have had a busy week. I have done well and racked up loving kindness points in tending to sick children. Leaving the doctor's office today though the spectre of Children's Aid loomed in my mind. I wondered if it was somehow my fault that R hurt her arm. It seemed that it was such a faraway voice that reminded me that I was not even in the room when she fell. That alone caused twinges of guilt "Could I have prevented it if she had been in my sight?" I cannot be there for them all of the time. It is physically impossible and the thought of it just sets me up for failure. It seemed such a familiar pattern though to blame me for the ills of the week. Could I have done better? Maybe. Perhaps.
By Fridays end T and R are abed, sleep inching through their consciousness. R has no visual effects from her ordeal and would probably be far stretched to even think of her doctor visits as an ordeal. T's sick day on Wednesday provided her with interesting stories to tell her friends at nap-time, not demons to plague her. They both gave me hugs and kisses as I tucked them under their sheets. I reminded them that Daddy is with them always and the proof is that they exist. He is a part of them and all they have to do is hug one another to feel his arms around them. Beautiful thoughts. T also offered the smiling thoughts that I was there too and I carried Daddy too. I do. Beautiful girl. Beautiful man. They are my positive I guess. Just reach out for my hug and recieve my soul song. Thank you baby.
I have had both kids checked out for injuries...especially my big old nine year old, just because he's been around a lot longer, there has been many more chances to cause damage! Many times, after x-rays or a check to see if stitches were required, I left the doc or hospital feeling guilty...and they made me feel that way, lots of questions. Pointed questions. But I try not to let it get to me too much because I know that this is their job, because unfortunately, some kids *need* those questions asked. But not your kids, and not mine. We are not perfect, or omnipotent, as much as we might like to be (and might like our kids to think!), but we love our children well and the best way that we can...so do try and cut yourself some slack there.
ReplyDeleteAnd when Taryn can offer such a beautiful and profound thought up to you as you tuck her in at night, you have to know that you must be doing something right!
xo