Saturday, October 31, 2009

Changing of the Seasons

The wind has won against the leaves on my tears. Oops, what a wierd slight of hand. I am going to leave it in, despite the homage I was going to pay to trees. It looks so stark with my the yellow swathes gone from the sky outside my window. I really enjoyed being bathed in a vibrant burnt yellow world. The fall sunshine brought incredible contrast with reds and yellows competing in trees  and a backdrop of crisp blue to fill my colour palette. I was in heaven in a rainbow. I soaked it in and pulled power from the sky.

The leaves are gone though. The last straggling few hold on tight to barren branches belying the coming of a wintery world. Oh, sunshine you are so precious as our glowing orb retreats from us. Retreat back into warm burrows as chill gusts take our breath away. Winter has not yet begun, but I can feel it in my bones. As we pull on crazy costumes, I shall tuck mini-mittens on mini-fingers. Goodbye Summer, goodbye Fall. Welcome hibernation to sit by the fire and sip at a glass of shiraz with me. Tuck in my new books, under my toasty throw and say goodnight.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy H(1n1)lloween!

So it is confirmed. My little girlie does have an issue aside from wanting to bug me. Those darn ears will not leave her alone! Another ear infection. Hopefully that is all, but with our present H1N1 fears raging I was sweating it a little. All the way up to pandemic now. Crazy that this happens in this day and age. Are we not all so super paranoid with our antibacterial soaps and gels. They are commonplace features everywhere now. We have had to re- learn how to sneeze and seem to be becoming fearful enough to potentially give up on handshakes, let alone hugs! I have debated quarantining ourselves and cancelled plans for birthday parties. What craziness is this! Surprising that Halloween is not cancelled for the year. My kids are already bummed about not getting to see their cousins for the weekend. Stupid germs. We need a little more dirt in our life to give our good germs a chance. Wave off the antibacterial gels that wipe out everything in their path. With everything gone we have nothing left to fight!

Ack, who am I kidding? I cannot create a good rant. I am just sulking because my weekend has been ripped off. We have our pumpkin and we shall trick or treat tomorrow. Perhaps I will have a drink tucked into my arm (despite knowing that one should avoid alcohol, caffeine and get lots of sleep) as we scream trick or treat to the masses in our hood. Watch out, we bring the plague in our loot bags! For our treat, the trick is not to get sick! HAAH! BOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sick Baby

   So my day started out fine and normal, as noted. Special day this as I have thrown in many comments today. Field trip was cancelled, but not overly surprising. I managed to get some shopping done, raked some leaves, ate lunch and talked to someone about sharing a ride to my therapeutic touch training that starts tomorrow. I was even offered some temporary work for a few weeks. Life is good! I go to yoga, infuse about my TT and new book club that I have joined before class and slide in to relax. My phone rings half way through class. Never good. It is the daycare. Worse. They never call unless there is a problem. R has sprouted a fever. Ack! First thoughts, H1N1, followed swiftly by thoughts of the perfectly healthy 13-year old boy that died earlier this week from it. Panic!! I flew into daycare and the poor thing was flat out on their couch. She looked up and said "Mommy". Motrin helped to bring her fever down once we got home. She even ate some. I was redosing her just now though as the meds had worn off and her temp was spiking. Not a very lively girl. I suspect there won't be much sleep tonight, if her meds wear off in the middle of the night. My poor little girl. Sleep well and dream of cool blue refreshing waterfalls and gentle white snowflakes melting away your fever as they land on you. Sleep well world.
Good morning

The day has dawned gray. The ground is wet suggesting it rained at some point in the pre-dawn. The girls are scheduled to go on a field trip this morning to go apple picking. It was cancelled last week due to rain. Hard to tell if it will happen today or not. I can think of running around I could do if it does get cancelled. Funny that I have some hope for rain. The lawn is extremely yellow calling, nay fairly screaming to get out and rake. Time is precious this week though. Anon, time for school.

UPDATE: Wellthe trip was cancelled, although it was actually quite pleasant. Guess what! I even got out and raked some leaves!Ha, six bags of them. Plus the bags I raked last week brings the total up to 11 sitting on the curb. Next week is yard waste week and with us going away, I wanted to make a bit of a dent in the front yard. I have to admit, it was much prettier before I raked though. A good meditation.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

New Look

I decided to shake life up a bit this evening. I added some slight changes to my blog page. New colour (the old one was sophisticated, but making me feel drab and dreary). With Autumn colours brilliant outside, I thought I should add a little more colour to my outside edges too.An additional sidebar list, which I will attempt to keep up to date. Some books on my bedside table have been there a while collecting dust (sorry Farley! No offence Catherine), but others are library books and some temporary feel- good titles (ahh,Khalil!) I have joined a new book club, so will probably have some different titles cross my path in the future. I think this is a good thing, as some of my titles are a little too deep and thought-provoking. A good fiction piece is nice to give the poor brain some much-needed leisure time. My poor journal lives there constantly, but has not seen much attention as of late. It goes in fits and starts sometimes and that is all right. It is time for bed though and hopefully my brain will agree with me and find sleep soon. Fingers crossed!

Autumn images

I gaze out my wondow at a beautiful golden yellow world. The leaves are resplendant in their fall coats. Never mind the carpet on the grass. Also beautiful, but reminding me that I have work to do. On the list and near the top; RAKE LEAVES. Next week the weather is slated to get cooler, therefore I should be out there attacking them while the weather is marginally warmer. I sit inside though and admire. I met Murray for coffee this morning. Returned home to scarf a quick lunch and make a couple calls. There are more calls to return, but a visit from a friend curtailed other activities. I am all about being in the present and letting go of what is less important. Face time is important. I cherish it. Therefore the leaves decorate our corner for a little while longer. The angel wings I felt on my back yesterday are there for a reason. I think I got them for my dedication to people. They help me to fly and elevate myself from the large vat of pain that dangles beneath me. What does that mean? Only my sub-concious knows and I have not given it voice today.

Pretty leaves. Yellow world.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

I am home. My kids are home. My cat is home from the vet and should remain that way for the next little while. My pocketbook sighs with relief. It was almost looking like we were going to have to cancel R's birthday, for all the money pouring into Miss Kitty's vet bills. She is happy and eating again, with no barf in sight and not stepped into yet. Nothing worse than stepping in cat barf in bare feet first thing in the morning on the way to the bathroom to pee, BEFORE I have my morning coffee into me. Just sets a nasty tone for the day, I have to tell you.

That is all I have tonight, as I am tired and bed is calling. The dedication was lovely and not too many tears were shed. None by me surprisingly (as I leak constantly over almost anything), but I was trying to convince R to be quiet while the speeches were going on. Almost three-year-olds don't like to be told anything, especially to be quiet, but she did get to clap (although was wondering where the music had been since she was clapping. She loves to clap. There were cookies too. Life doesn't get much better than cookies. I have to agree on that point.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Oh my, it is Wednesday and I have not written anything since Sunday! Corrie is putting me to shame ;) Just teasing Corrie! I am enjoying the process of blogging, whether I have many readers or not. I was daring and introduced my blog to my Mother, which she cautioned me about. I have let "friends" on facebook peruse my inner workings and have not fallen prey to all the ills in the world, although I am sure there is still time for that. I write about experiences from my day and thoughts from my head. It is therapeutic and I like it. I have surprised myself for sticking with it fairly faithfully as well. I started this blog in the spring in a halting manner, but have been fairly regular this fall. Pat on the back from me!

So what is new in my world? My poor kitty is sick and the vet is not quite sure what is wrong with her. She appears to be steadily draining my bank account, but I am okay with that to a certain extent. It is hard to deny health for a member of the family. This has caused me some stress this week, but I countered that with sonic drumming tonight and my weekly dinner with Nancy, David and Ella last night. I get to see my sister tomorrow for a quick visit. She is coming into town for a somber affair, but a good one. My Aunt renovated the courtyard at the high school in Dorchester with some of the funds from Meagan's trust fund. For those of you who are not in the know, my cousin Meagan died in a skiing accident about a year and a half ago. We have all been shaken up by it, but my Aunt (her Mother) put her energy into redoing the courtyard in Meagan's memory. The official dedication is tomorrow evening. My Mother and Step-Father will be in town as well, so it will be a bittersweet gathering. A beautiful legacy for a life lost too soon. Sigh...

And I also did some writing today. I kind of have this notion that one day a book will pour forth from me. When I can I sit down and write some of it down. I am not sure if I will ever see the end of it or if it will ever go to print, but it is a cathartic affair none the less. And now it is bed time, as we were up early this morning that got cancelled due to weather. Tomorrow may need some extra reserves in the emotional department though. Anon, goodnight

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunny Days -FALL

Sunshine all weekend; how wonderful is that? We tried to take advantage of the good weather and soak up as much vitamin D as we could. We raked leaves and went for a walk on Friday, got pictures taken at Westminster Ponds on Saturday and went to Apple Land Station to frolic at the sand hill and pick the last of the apples today. I was very glad to have so much beautiful weather to appreciate after a crummy previous week. Perhaps our Indian Summer(What a funny phrase. Here's hoping the kids will sleep well for all the fresh air. Hopefully me too! Maybe my brain will be kind and leave me alone to sleep tonight. Fingers crossed. For all the joys, my brain still manages to churn when I go to bed. We all have our demons that plague us don't we?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thank You

I want to offer thanks. Thanks to the sunshine and thanks to the trees. Thanks to the colourful leaves that litter my front lawn and the forest floors. Thanks to nap time and play time. Thanks to Laura for taking portraits for us today and thanks to the teenager who got our meal right at McDonalds afterwards. Thanks to my Mother, sister and neighbours for being there to listen when I need it. Thanks to Corrie for being there to read my thoughts when they spring forth from me. :)

And a big thank you to me for being here to enjoy it all...
Welcome Fall

Thursday, October 15, 2009

In the moment

On a cool day like today, I did what felt right. I went shopping. I should have raked leaves in the front yard, as it is yard waste week and they have not been by yet, but that did not happen. Nope, I went shopping. I bought rump roast and raspberries, sand paper and metal paint, a cruet set and crystal condiment bowl, running shoes for R and a birthday present for Mc. Whew! There was more in my bags when I returned home, but I am sure that you do not care. I will probably not care when I read over this later. I had a good day though. I visited my new favourite farmer at the farmer's market downtown. I slowly perused the antique market on the edge of town. I subjected my self to a Walmart Superstore. It was all good. A simple day. In the moment, with brain shut off to other thoughts. What a good practice. Topped off with pizza and a movie. A glorious day!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wednesday - Yoga for the soul

I went to do the last of my gardening for Michelle today. I really did not do too terribly much out in the garden, to be fair, but its immediate need was winding to a close. The frost in the air has signalled the end of active gardening for the season. The outside world tasks change to leaf raking, putting away of hoses and garden ornaments, planting spring bulbs and pulling up summer ones. My season of gardening is done.

It is a heavy feel. I made a difference for Michelle and offered what I could. She appreciated the help. It was a precious gift. So where do I go from here? I have been watching Murray and feeling for him in his waning days with the love of his life. Now she is gone. Now he is alone and must accept that so that he can move on to the next stage of his life. It is nowhere near as easy to do as the writing of it may suggest. While I was visiting with Murray I kept on saying "This is hard work." It is the hardest work one could ever imagine having to do. It is physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically exhausting. Anyone who has ever touched loss in an intimate way would probably have more to add to this, but for those who haven't it is a start. I have to stop though. This is Murray's journey. Murray must make this trek on his own. I am giving him emotions through my experience and that does not do him justice or ultimately myself. I was reminded this afternoon that I still need to take care of me. At two years into the loss of my beloved husband and partner, I was told I am still fresh in my grief. I still have far to go. How can that be?

Life is quite the journey with many lessons to learn. My lesson today was that I do matter. I mattered to Michelle for a brief while, so that she could savour her garden one last time. I mattered to Murray, so that I could give him more time with Michelle and sharing of stories both good and bad. I matter to Randolph, who seems to think that I am a worthy person and is happy to see that I am beginning to believe it. I matter to my children, who run with smiles and screaming "Mommy!" with joy when I come to pick them up from daycare. I know that I could add many more to the list and it is a good thing. The last person I will add today though is a woman who used to attend yoga with me over a year ago. She was recovering from cancer treatments and was doing well, but had other health concerns at the time. She started into my class again today. After class she walked over to me and asked when we had seen each other last. I was reminded again of how I touch people as she shared that she had gone through another bout of cancer completely unrelated to the first. She more or less pushed and diagnosed some of it herself. She knew something was wrong with her and praised yoga and its ability to get oneself in touch with one's body as helping her to do this. Whether she believed in the benefits of yoga before, she overwhelming believes know. And she walked over to me and had to share her story with me. I know her, but only through once a week yoga from over a year ago. It touched me that she felt the need to share with me. I must mean something to her too. Not the world, but just a little piece of it. It makes me smile. It is good.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


What profound things can I come up with tonight? The passing of the turkey gauntlet perhaps? Yes, my sister spoke it aloud and my Mother subtly agreed. We are being groomed for the next generation of responsible adults. Now that we have children of our own, my Mother figured she would suggest my sister put on Thanksgiving dinner. I offered to come help put it all together, which sissy agreed to. So the girls and I arrived at Aunt K's house Saturday for a leisurely Saturday afternoon/evening. We took the kids to the park Sunday morning before we got into dinner prep too heavy, then got down and dirty. Lunch done and kids dispersed and turkey showdown 2009 began.

Sissy sauntered up to the bird, warming up to the task at hand. A little water to rinse it, make everyone more comfortable, then before you could blink her hand was shoved into its vast cavity. The neck removed, she held it open so I could fill the hole. To appease relatives not even dining with us for the meal, I concocted dressing and stuffed the turkey full. Task done, Sissy soothed the poor birds ruffled (feathers? nope gone already) by greasing it up with oil. Lowering our sacrificial bird into the tray, the oven door beckoned and the roasting began. Much basting ensued, while other vegetables were prepared. My Mother and step-father arrived and while offered drinks, were relegated to the role of guest. My Mom desperately tried to get into the kitchen to peek at the turkey or help with anything she could "do you want me to make the gravy?". Her advances were repulsed and she was relegated to kid-duty. Chagrined on the outside (I am sure she was in her glory, despite her inability to let go of control), she accepted her fate.

With sparkling brand new gloves I approached the oven. This was the moment, I am sure my Aunt missed most. I know Brad watched probably laughing and shaking his head while sucking on a beer. He would have been pleased to have someone else take control, but always enjoyed something done right. The kitchen was his domain and he did it all right. So I stood by with gloves on, watching as Auntie K pulled the turkey out of the oven. It was my time to shine. The bird was glistening and brown. It was time. I stepped forward, reached in and flipped the bird. And it was good. I felt Brad smile.

The turkey browned a little longer as we chatted and sipped on Caesars. Food called, so work resumed. While potatoes were mashed, I returned to my bird. While letting it rest, I sharpened all of Sissy's knives, searching for the heft I desired. Making my choice, I turned to the turkey. Again I asked for Brad's divine intervention. The carving was done by my hand and it too was good. More smiles from my erstwhile teacher. The meal was served and grace was said. Uncle A fell into soup making, even before the last bite was taken. Homemade pies graced the table. Kids were sent to bed. We breathed and relaxed and gave thanks for family. Cards were played, drinks were sipped and conversation flowed. Congratulations to a meal well made and well received. Sissy survived her first turkey feast. Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday, October 9, 2009

End of the Week

Let's take a little ole peek at my life. Do I need to be where I am? Should I be doing what I am doing? This week has been difficult as the lady I was gardening for died. When I met her, I knew she was in the last stage of her life. She was dying and it would be sooner rather than later. Should I have let that into my life? Do I need another taste of death and dying? Many kind-hearted people have suggested maybe not. I am a feeler, full of emotion. Why put myself in a position where you know you are going to lose someone in your life? And now the funeral is this afternoon. Should I go to it? Do I really need to walk down that path and open myself up to fresh pain?

Well, when I got the idea into my head to do some gardening and help people in need, I don't think I specifically went looking for someone who was going to die. Especially not while I was actively involved with them. Believe it or not, I know that I am a leaky soul and that might be a hard thing to bear. Michelle came into my life and was handed to me for a reason. I really liked going over to her house and working in her garden. I have an affinity for the earth and feel that tending to it brings happiness; to the earth, me and whomever else happens to appreciate it. Michelle appreciated it immensely. I was her hands and her eyes. She could not get into her cherished garden anymore to get dirt under her fingernails and see what needed to be done. I visited her the day that she died and brought her some flowers from my garden. I described the flowers I brought and her husband expressed that he felt her soul was smiling for the simple gift. Even while I sit here with tears in my eyes, I smile. I gave a precious gift and get the knowledge of that to take with me. I was one small little part of a woman's life, but I gave her something she wanted and appreciated when she could not do it herself. That is huge and I feel that. I am a good person. I am telling myself that, not you in case you were wondering.

And what did it cost me? Pain of loss. It is a familiar place and yes it takes me back to my bigger loss of Brad. Many things take me back to the loss of Brad though. I spent a few hours once a week doing something I love to do; gardening. I have the time to fit it into my schedule. I collected a few plants from Michelle's garden as I thinned plants for her. I shared some of my story with Murray. I knew that I did not have to know all of Michelle and Murray's story and tried to protect my heart. Murray needed the friend. He needed the help. I was a friend by giving him one less thing to do and subsequently more time with Michelle. How is that for a gift? I gave him time. Wow. That is pretty sweet Katherine.

So I take my tears and cherish them. I am not afraid of death and dying. I am familiar with them and know how hard they are. Too many people do not want to know this part of life, but it exists. Death makes life that much sweeter. My tears are sweet and beautiful and I would do it again in a heartbeat for the smiles and heartfelt appreciation I got in return. Better than anything I can think of.
So will I do it again? Again people have suggested that perhaps it is too hard a road to travel. It is a hard road. I know that I do not have to walk down death's path to make me a better person. Truthfully, I would like not to have to lose parts of my life and people in it. If I get another opportunity to help someone, I suspect I will gladly offer my time again. Perhaps for the elderly, the sick or just one with lack of time. I have been allowed to garden in a few other gardens and was rewarded by the earth's sigh of appreciation without having to lose anyone or anything. I take what life hands me. I pray that I can handle the challenges that will present. I sit back and realize the gift of time that I have been offered these last few years and hope that I do not waste them. I have not so far. What does tomorrow hold?

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Excerpt from a chat with a special friend

October 7
9:17pm Cristie

DID YOU find out about your lady friend?

9:17pm Katherine

yes, she died last night

9:17pm Cristie

9:18pm Katherine
I found out when i went to Wellspring for yoga today

9:18pm Cristie
Her husband must be really upset

9:18pm Katherine
one of the volunteers grabbed me as soon as I walked in and took me to the back room to tell me.

I haven't talked to him.

He would be really busy this week.

He won't have time to really crash until later

He is starting on a really shitty path.

9:19pm Cristie
how come

9:20pm Katherine>It is somehow worse than when the person is dying

9:20pm Cristie
as in dealing with her death path?

9:21pm Katherine
Grief, when it comes to the loss of a spouse is difficult as it encompasses so many levels. Death of the person, your hopes and dreams of the future, your identity (you used to be A and B, now you are just A)and so much more

When they are dying it is hard and stressful, but the person is still there

9:22pm Cristie
yes, i can understand that

Are you still as upset as you once were??

or is it a different level now of grief?

9:26pm Katherine
Grief takes a long time to work through. There are so many things to process and accept. The hardest part is making a new life. The first year is acute grief over the loss of the person. After that it turns into loss of self and life as you knew it and figuring out how to put the pieces back together again to a new puzzle. Different pieces to the same puzzle. They don't fit the same way and you have to discard some pieces and find new ones. A lot of work.

9:27pm Cristie

Are you still trying to put pieces together?

9:28pm Katherine
oh yeah

9:28pm Cristie

do you still cry everyday?

or miss him as you once did

9:29pm Katherine
ha, I have a long way to go yet until I can say the new path is sturdy under my feet

9:30pm Katherine
Brad will always be a part of my life. He is no longer here in the flesh and I miss him terribly sometimes, but I know he is not coming back. I cannot change that.

Sometimes something little will set me off or I will just get tired and frustrated at having to do everything alone

that is my lot in life right now though

I am meeting new people who are positive influences on my life and becoming happier with who I am or at least not hating me

I am learning how to love myself again

9:33pm Cristie
That is important

9:33pm Katherine
This is all much harder work than I ever thought it would be. A lot longer too.

9:34pm Cristie
I can't imagine how hard.........

9:36pm Katherine
It takes so long to fight your way through the haze of physical grief. Then coming to the realization that there is still so much more to do is staggering.

I don't want to do it all

9:37pm Katherine
I wish I could just go and be normal, but my life is on a completely different path and I am learning that I have to sit down and face it if i am to take that next step and move on

I felt like our conversation had a lot of good questions and valid insights. I do not claim to know it all. I just know my path. Writing it down helps me to look at it myself and perhaps know and understand better. Whether anyone reads this or not is a mute point if catharsis is the goal. Thanks for offering me your time if you read this though.

Bad days help us appreciate the good days

Thanks for the inspiration Corrie. I need this medicine myself today. I am sad, because the lady I was gardening for died last night. She let me into her life and I let them into mine. I have a right to be sad. It is not nice to lose someone. What I have to remind myself of is that this loss is not my loss. No that is not right. I am losing a part of my life, but I do not have to take on the pain of Murray's loss. His life is the loss of spouse to start and it gets much bigger from there. I feel his pain, as I have walked in similar shoes. These are not my shoes today though. They just remind me of my own journey and I remember how painful that time period was. I am not there though. I have so much compassion and empathy, but I have to be able to give space for my own heart to be strong and sure in offering someone else support in grief.I can be sad, but I do not have to relive my worst moments. That is not necessary or helpful at the moment. So here is my words of wisdom to a friend today, that I will listen to again myself.

"We all have our bad days. We all have our issues. They are our issues and are important to us. Allow yourself a bad day and be okay with that. We don't allow ourselves to have down days, whether they are deserved or not. If where you are at right now sucks "It SUCKS!". Don't compare it to anyone else's. Legitimize your own life and your own feelings. You are valid and they are valid. You don't have to have the worst day of anyone ever, you just have to allow that you are not at your best. It is hard to do, but you can feel better for allowing yourself to be. You only have one life to live and it is your life, not anyone else's. Let yourself live it.

I think I might have to CC this to my blog. And listen to my words myself..."

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Circle of Life

The weather has been pretty wet and, dare I say it, crappy the last couple of weeks. We have had more rain than sun. It is hard on the psyche. It is also hard on time management when you have outside chores to do. Last week the only day without rain in these parts was Thursday, so I hurredly planted some bulbs for Brad. I then ran home and cut the grass in my yard, hoping that was the last time. The whole while I was looking at the calendar trying to figure out when I was going to get out to Michelle's house. The weather did not co-operate. The weekend broke and with kids in tow I cannot garden at my house, let alone someone else's.

So today dawned gray, but not raining. As I lay in bed flip-flopping last night I thought about calling Michelle first thing in the morning to head to her house in the morning. I dropped off the girls and the vehicle veered towards downtown. A quick stop at Corner Furniture to check for bed hardware ended up seeing me drive all the way across town to Lee Valley, then Home Depot for appropriate screws. All the while no rain. I arrived home at lunch, figured it was too late to go over to Michelle's, so made soup out of the pumpkin that I had cut up in the fridge. I was supposed to make the soup the day before, but got waylaid by a trip out to O'Sheas with Paul and Jordan. Perhaps a wrong call there, as when I went to turn the cucumbers that I bought Saturday afternoon into pickles this afternoon, I found them rotting! Ack. So, instead of calling Michelle to make a date for gardening tomorrow, I ended up running back out to Thomas Brothers (farmers market) to get more cucmbers, only to find them done for the season. A lot of running, for naught.

I finally slowed down enough to pick up T and R from daycare with a quick gab in to David. T's suggestion of pizza for dinner was well received, so "Monsters Inc" entertained us while we dined gourmet style. At 7:30 I thought to call Michelle about tomorrow. The phone rang and rang and was finally picked up by Michelle's sister. I knew it wasn't her, but asked anyway. I knew that it was bad, as soon as she said who it was. She said "they" figure Michelle will not make it through the night. Stop

When I got the idea of gardening for people in my head, I knew it could be like this. Or did I? I helped a woman out during her last days. She loved her garden and I just wanted her to still be able to love it, despite not having the strength to give it attention herself. I am so sad right now though. Not that I knew Michelle that well. I did not know her or Murray at all before knocking on their door a month and a half ago. It is such a difficult time of life though. Death is a very hard process. My heart aches for Murray. Michelle was such a strong and positive lady. I am honoured to have met her and been allowed to get to know even a little bit of her. Goodbye Michelle. Be at peace.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Rainy afternoon. Sigh. It seems like all it has down for the last week or so is rain. We have fit in some kid fun in between raindrops. This morning the girls and I went to O'Sheas. We were there last weekend with Nancy, David and Ella, but had different company this Sunday. I guess I am testing my strength, as we went with Paul and Jordan. Why do I do this to myself? I did well, smiling and cheery the whole time. Jordan asked Paul if she could get together with the girls for a play date and he called. I have had no communication with him since he texted me that we were over. Why did I agree to spend two seconds with him, let alone an afternoon? For the girls I guess. To test myself, but I am sick of being strong. Every day I tell myself that I will NOT call him. Am I ready for such innocence as a play date? Hmmph, I guess I survived. Yeah to me, I am strong. whipdee


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