In the moment

On a cool day like today, I did what felt right. I went shopping. I should have raked leaves in the front yard, as it is yard waste week and they have not been by yet, but that did not happen. Nope, I went shopping. I bought rump roast and raspberries, sand paper and metal paint, a cruet set and crystal condiment bowl, running shoes for R and a birthday present for Mc. Whew! There was more in my bags when I returned home, but I am sure that you do not care. I will probably not care when I read over this later. I had a good day though. I visited my new favourite farmer at the farmer's market downtown. I slowly perused the antique market on the edge of town. I subjected my self to a Walmart Superstore. It was all good. A simple day. In the moment, with brain shut off to other thoughts. What a good practice. Topped off with pizza and a movie. A glorious day!

Wednesday - Yoga for the soul

I went to do the last of my gardening for Michelle today. I really did not do too terribly much out in the garden, to be fair, but its immediate need was winding to a close. The frost in the air has signalled the end of active gardening for the season. The outside world tasks change to leaf raking, putting away of hoses and garden ornaments, planting spring bulbs and pulling up summer ones. My season of gardening is done.

It is a heavy feel. I made a difference for Michelle and offered what I could. She appreciated the help. It was a precious gift. So where do I go from here? I have been watching Murray and feeling for him in his waning days with the love of his life. Now she is gone. Now he is alone and must accept that so that he can move on to the next stage of his life. It is nowhere near as easy to do as the writing of it may suggest. While I was visiting with Murray I kept on saying "This is hard work." It is the hardest work one could ever imagine having to do. It is physically, emotionally, socially, and psychologically exhausting. Anyone who has ever touched loss in an intimate way would probably have more to add to this, but for those who haven't it is a start. I have to stop though. This is Murray's journey. Murray must make this trek on his own. I am giving him emotions through my experience and that does not do him justice or ultimately myself. I was reminded this afternoon that I still need to take care of me. At two years into the loss of my beloved husband and partner, I was told I am still fresh in my grief. I still have far to go. How can that be?

Life is quite the journey with many lessons to learn. My lesson today was that I do matter. I mattered to Michelle for a brief while, so that she could savour her garden one last time. I mattered to Murray, so that I could give him more time with Michelle and sharing of stories both good and bad. I matter to Randolph, who seems to think that I am a worthy person and is happy to see that I am beginning to believe it. I matter to my children, who run with smiles and screaming "Mommy!" with joy when I come to pick them up from daycare. I know that I could add many more to the list and it is a good thing. The last person I will add today though is a woman who used to attend yoga with me over a year ago. She was recovering from cancer treatments and was doing well, but had other health concerns at the time. She started into my class again today. After class she walked over to me and asked when we had seen each other last. I was reminded again of how I touch people as she shared that she had gone through another bout of cancer completely unrelated to the first. She more or less pushed and diagnosed some of it herself. She knew something was wrong with her and praised yoga and its ability to get oneself in touch with one's body as helping her to do this. Whether she believed in the benefits of yoga before, she overwhelming believes know. And she walked over to me and had to share her story with me. I know her, but only through once a week yoga from over a year ago. It touched me that she felt the need to share with me. I must mean something to her too. Not the world, but just a little piece of it. It makes me smile. It is good.

Thanksgiving

What profound things can I come up with tonight? The passing of the turkey gauntlet perhaps? Yes, my sister spoke it aloud and my Mother subtly agreed. We are being groomed for the next generation of responsible adults. Now that we have children of our own, my Mother figured she would suggest my sister put on Thanksgiving dinner. I offered to come help put it all together, which sissy agreed to. So the girls and I arrived at Aunt K's house Saturday for a leisurely Saturday afternoon/evening. We took the kids to the park Sunday morning before we got into dinner prep too heavy, then got down and dirty. Lunch done and kids dispersed and turkey showdown 2009 began.

Sissy sauntered up to the bird, warming up to the task at hand. A little water to rinse it, make everyone more comfortable, then before you could blink her hand was shoved into its vast cavity. The neck removed, she held it open so I could fill the hole. To appease relatives not even dining with us for the meal, I concocted dressing and stuffed the turkey full. Task done, Sissy soothed the poor birds ruffled (feathers? nope gone already) by greasing it up with oil. Lowering our sacrificial bird into the tray, the oven door beckoned and the roasting began. Much basting ensued, while other vegetables were prepared. My Mother and step-father arrived and while offered drinks, were relegated to the role of guest. My Mom desperately tried to get into the kitchen to peek at the turkey or help with anything she could "do you want me to make the gravy?". Her advances were repulsed and she was relegated to kid-duty. Chagrined on the outside (I am sure she was in her glory, despite her inability to let go of control), she accepted her fate.

With sparkling brand new gloves I approached the oven. This was the moment, I am sure my Aunt missed most. I know Brad watched probably laughing and shaking his head while sucking on a beer. He would have been pleased to have someone else take control, but always enjoyed something done right. The kitchen was his domain and he did it all right. So I stood by with gloves on, watching as Auntie K pulled the turkey out of the oven. It was my time to shine. The bird was glistening and brown. It was time. I stepped forward, reached in and flipped the bird. And it was good. I felt Brad smile.

The turkey browned a little longer as we chatted and sipped on Caesars. Food called, so work resumed. While potatoes were mashed, I returned to my bird. While letting it rest, I sharpened all of Sissy's knives, searching for the heft I desired. Making my choice, I turned to the turkey. Again I asked for Brad's divine intervention. The carving was done by my hand and it too was good. More smiles from my erstwhile teacher. The meal was served and grace was said. Uncle A fell into soup making, even before the last bite was taken. Homemade pies graced the table. Kids were sent to bed. We breathed and relaxed and gave thanks for family. Cards were played, drinks were sipped and conversation flowed. Congratulations to a meal well made and well received. Sissy survived her first turkey feast. Happy Thanksgiving!

End of the Week

Let's take a little ole peek at my life. Do I need to be where I am? Should I be doing what I am doing? This week has been difficult as the lady I was gardening for died. When I met her, I knew she was in the last stage of her life. She was dying and it would be sooner rather than later. Should I have let that into my life? Do I need another taste of death and dying? Many kind-hearted people have suggested maybe not. I am a feeler, full of emotion. Why put myself in a position where you know you are going to lose someone in your life? And now the funeral is this afternoon. Should I go to it? Do I really need to walk down that path and open myself up to fresh pain?

Well, when I got the idea into my head to do some gardening and help people in need, I don't think I specifically went looking for someone who was going to die. Especially not while I was actively involved with them. Believe it or not, I know that I am a leaky soul and that might be a hard thing to bear. Michelle came into my life and was handed to me for a reason. I really liked going over to her house and working in her garden. I have an affinity for the earth and feel that tending to it brings happiness; to the earth, me and whomever else happens to appreciate it. Michelle appreciated it immensely. I was her hands and her eyes. She could not get into her cherished garden anymore to get dirt under her fingernails and see what needed to be done. I visited her the day that she died and brought her some flowers from my garden. I described the flowers I brought and her husband expressed that he felt her soul was smiling for the simple gift. Even while I sit here with tears in my eyes, I smile. I gave a precious gift and get the knowledge of that to take with me. I was one small little part of a woman's life, but I gave her something she wanted and appreciated when she could not do it herself. That is huge and I feel that. I am a good person. I am telling myself that, not you in case you were wondering.

And what did it cost me? Pain of loss. It is a familiar place and yes it takes me back to my bigger loss of Brad. Many things take me back to the loss of Brad though. I spent a few hours once a week doing something I love to do; gardening. I have the time to fit it into my schedule. I collected a few plants from Michelle's garden as I thinned plants for her. I shared some of my story with Murray. I knew that I did not have to know all of Michelle and Murray's story and tried to protect my heart. Murray needed the friend. He needed the help. I was a friend by giving him one less thing to do and subsequently more time with Michelle. How is that for a gift? I gave him time. Wow. That is pretty sweet Katherine.

So I take my tears and cherish them. I am not afraid of death and dying. I am familiar with them and know how hard they are. Too many people do not want to know this part of life, but it exists. Death makes life that much sweeter. My tears are sweet and beautiful and I would do it again in a heartbeat for the smiles and heartfelt appreciation I got in return. Better than anything I can think of.
So will I do it again? Again people have suggested that perhaps it is too hard a road to travel. It is a hard road. I know that I do not have to walk down death's path to make me a better person. Truthfully, I would like not to have to lose parts of my life and people in it. If I get another opportunity to help someone, I suspect I will gladly offer my time again. Perhaps for the elderly, the sick or just one with lack of time. I have been allowed to garden in a few other gardens and was rewarded by the earth's sigh of appreciation without having to lose anyone or anything. I take what life hands me. I pray that I can handle the challenges that will present. I sit back and realize the gift of time that I have been offered these last few years and hope that I do not waste them. I have not so far. What does tomorrow hold?

Excerpt from a chat with a special friend

October 7
9:17pm Cristie
HEY

DID YOU find out about your lady friend?

9:17pm Katherine
hello

yes, she died last night

9:17pm Cristie
:(

9:18pm Katherine
I found out when i went to Wellspring for yoga today

9:18pm Cristie
Her husband must be really upset

9:18pm Katherine
one of the volunteers grabbed me as soon as I walked in and took me to the back room to tell me.

I haven't talked to him.

He would be really busy this week.

He won't have time to really crash until later

He is starting on a really shitty path.

9:19pm Cristie
how come

9:20pm Katherine>It is somehow worse than when the person is dying

9:20pm Cristie
as in dealing with her death path?

9:21pm Katherine
Grief, when it comes to the loss of a spouse is difficult as it encompasses so many levels. Death of the person, your hopes and dreams of the future, your identity (you used to be A and B, now you are just A)and so much more

When they are dying it is hard and stressful, but the person is still there

9:22pm Cristie
yes, i can understand that

Are you still as upset as you once were??

or is it a different level now of grief?

9:26pm Katherine
Grief takes a long time to work through. There are so many things to process and accept. The hardest part is making a new life. The first year is acute grief over the loss of the person. After that it turns into loss of self and life as you knew it and figuring out how to put the pieces back together again to a new puzzle. Different pieces to the same puzzle. They don't fit the same way and you have to discard some pieces and find new ones. A lot of work.

9:27pm Cristie
yeesh

Are you still trying to put pieces together?

9:28pm Katherine
oh yeah

9:28pm Cristie
do you still cry everyday?

or miss him as you once did

9:29pm Katherine
ha, I have a long way to go yet until I can say the new path is sturdy under my feet

9:30pm Katherine
Brad will always be a part of my life. He is no longer here in the flesh and I miss him terribly sometimes, but I know he is not coming back. I cannot change that.

Sometimes something little will set me off or I will just get tired and frustrated at having to do everything alone

that is my lot in life right now though

I am meeting new people who are positive influences on my life and becoming happier with who I am or at least not hating me

I am learning how to love myself again

9:33pm Cristie
That is important

9:33pm Katherine
This is all much harder work than I ever thought it would be. A lot longer too.

9:34pm Cristie
I can't imagine how hard.........

9:36pm Katherine
It takes so long to fight your way through the haze of physical grief. Then coming to the realization that there is still so much more to do is staggering.

I don't want to do it all

9:37pm Katherine
I wish I could just go and be normal, but my life is on a completely different path and I am learning that I have to sit down and face it if i am to take that next step and move on



I felt like our conversation had a lot of good questions and valid insights. I do not claim to know it all. I just know my path. Writing it down helps me to look at it myself and perhaps know and understand better. Whether anyone reads this or not is a mute point if catharsis is the goal. Thanks for offering me your time if you read this though.