of course!

"you turn me into somebody loved..."

   The lyrics fade away (hear below: The Weepies) and I smile. A tender smile that sneaks into my heart. I believe that. Today sunshine's rays have crept behind my eyes. I see the world through Spring's hinted arrival. It may be a literal arrival, but I am arriving too; a little. Somehow today I feel loved. Anyone in particular, you ask. Not really. A tender friend that called last night just to say I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you. Silly Facebook games that let me know that people think I am worthy of two seconds of their time. Sometimes more. I cross people's minds and I see that. It may just be a random thought for many, but it takes on bigger status in my world today. For so long, I have only been able to see through my eyes and I only see me, my pain, my struggles. I go through periods and epiphanies, but knowing that people care means I matter.

   Shhh, shhh, shh, let me talk! I can  hear the "of course!"s from here. The point is that I have not seen through other people's eyes, only my own. This of course is not solely today's epiphany. I have been travelling the road of my redemption for a while. It is a big task to save myself from me and I have struggled with it. You may not understand, but I have been my own worst enemy. Not today though. You want to know why? As the lyrics faded in my ears, the smile was for me. As I sat with someone who has listened to many of my turmoils over the last two years, she looked me in the eye and said I was fixed, better, normal. She likes me and respects me and it means more because I believe her, this woman who I met in a professional setting. She called me strong, but not in the patronizing way that comes across from those who don't really know the meaning of strong. I met her eyes and smiled. For me a huge feat, as eye contact has been excruciating at times; windows to the soul and all. And why did I smile? Because I agreed and because the person who turned me into somebody loved...

was me

Jo'Burg Jaunt

   Despite suggestions by Weppie of flying to Johannesburg, I loaded up my backpack and headed to the bus stop. He made promises of cheap flights with the connections from his job at the airport, but I wanted to see the countryside, if only from the flight of an Intercape Mainliner. I waved goodbye to Uncle Jock and Aunt Elsa and settled into the posh seats of the double decker luxury bus. We were offered beverages shortly after we left and I was introduced to coffee the African way; sweet and white. No questions of how you took it (I was used to black at that point, so almost choked on first sips). The chicory blend had nothing on Tim Hortons, Canada’s national coffee emporium. If I wanted a coffee, I had to suck it up though and learn to get over it. It was a 15-hour bus ride and Timmies was nowhere in sight. The South African landscape was what was on offer and I had no choice but to sit back and enjoy the ride.

   While I did thrill in the adventure of finally being single, mobile and free, the bus ride quickly lost its appeal. The red soil of the surrounding countryside fascinated me, as I could not mesh the idea of crops growing in it, versus the rich brown humus of home. Soon enough my mind’s eye was focused on the future though. I shifted my weight from butt check to butt check and imagined what Botswana would hold. Flyers of Victoria falls in Zimbabwe lay across my lap, as I gazed into the pictured possibilities in my head. Eventually my tortured posterior gave up caring about tomorrow and the adventures that would unfold and screamed at me to get over the adventure of today. With Johannesburg finally coming into sight, I breathed a sigh of relief for cramped muscles. The bus ground out a final goodbye and with the applying of brakes gave blissful release into my cousin Naude’s waiting care. I would spend the next few days with him toodling around and even getting a chance to explore Sun City. Sadly, I  found even more barbed wire in Johannesburg and many heavily gated communities. I did discover their savoury pies though. They came in a multitude of flavours, like our chicken pies back home, but also spinach and feta, cheese, pork pasties and a delicious assortment of others. The most important event of my time with him though was a trip to the airport to pick up his wife. A surprise that I never would have anticipated was to greet me with unforeseen consequences.

I'll just have a water please

   As the burbles slowed, I looked out into my new world again. My eyes finally adjusted to the strength of the sun. I opened them onto adventure. I was ready. Just one more glass of water. Sip.

   “Now I can stand. Now I can run!” I thought to myself.

   Reality answered, “ Well, maybe jog a little”.

   I still felt weak as a newly hatched bird, but a smile returned to my pasty face. What adventures could I conjure up?

   My first adventure was with food again. I hear you groan, but this time I was gentle with myself. I was about to meet my father’s eldest sister’s side of the family now and they wanted to take me to brunch at the “club”. There were golfers aplenty on this branch of the family tree, so a lovely posh brunch buffet was my fair. Normally I am one of those people with no sense of the true size of my stomach and heap a plate three times over, just to sample all the goodies spread before me. Today, my stomach had shrunk to the size of a dried up cumquat. I took a humble plate with a scant few items, nothing too racy and nothing with a hint of acidity. Good natured teasing and concerned eyes accompanied me as I nibbled away at my offerings. I am happy to report that I kept it together though. No raced trips to the WC (water closet or bathroom for my Canadian readers) to say goodbye to brunch. A crooked smile wavered across my cheeks as I wove tales of home, family and Canada for my aunt, uncle, cousins and second cousins. I was treated to a tour around the golf course with Greg and Richard, second cousins that were the first people I had met close to my own age. My delicate constitution held back the reveries of hanging out with a younger sub-set too terribly much, but we did discuss possibilities of outings. An errant bubble curtailed thoughts of it happening immediately, but I yearned for it in the future. As much as I loved getting to know all the relatives, I was only 22 years old. I craved conversation that held less purpose and more spunk. It was time to gather the backpack and hit the dusty road.

Turn

I challenge myself today.

cold winds in a loosely flapping blouse
my hat blown away,
   thrown away
to leave a muddled head chilly
   with winter's last gusts
eyes blinking back tears
   from icy winds teasing and torturing
you want spring? Rebirth? renewal...

you are not ready

tender shoots of life
 can come from frozen heart
imposed darkness, will ebb
with sun's light and life
yesterday will always be there

Damn you for making me smile.
tears are falling
on a cold heart
afraid to look to the future
for love and life

my struggles with body
   wanting  and needing
all I want to do is cave
   give in to wintry embrace
all I want to do is love
  laughter and sunshine are there
I can almost see them
almost

 turn my back on me
turn my back on you

how can I warm this poor soul
that can generate no heat from within
how can I rub energy into numb fingers
  curled over a former lover's cold caricature
Do I test tepid toes in the icy waters of lust...

Stop, please stop

just kiss me and lie to me
tell me that you will be there tomorrow
when all I want is dead flowers today

Olympic Gold

GO CANADA!!!!!

I am so proud to be a Canadian. I always love to watch the Olympics, summer or winter. It is especially fun to watch and be the host country. And how sweet is that to win the last medal of the Olympics with a gold against the US in hockey. There are no other words on victory night. Oh Canada, my home and native land! WOOHOO!
:)