The Circle of Life

The weather has been pretty wet and, dare I say it, crappy the last couple of weeks. We have had more rain than sun. It is hard on the psyche. It is also hard on time management when you have outside chores to do. Last week the only day without rain in these parts was Thursday, so I hurredly planted some bulbs for Brad. I then ran home and cut the grass in my yard, hoping that was the last time. The whole while I was looking at the calendar trying to figure out when I was going to get out to Michelle's house. The weather did not co-operate. The weekend broke and with kids in tow I cannot garden at my house, let alone someone else's.

So today dawned gray, but not raining. As I lay in bed flip-flopping last night I thought about calling Michelle first thing in the morning to head to her house in the morning. I dropped off the girls and the vehicle veered towards downtown. A quick stop at Corner Furniture to check for bed hardware ended up seeing me drive all the way across town to Lee Valley, then Home Depot for appropriate screws. All the while no rain. I arrived home at lunch, figured it was too late to go over to Michelle's, so made soup out of the pumpkin that I had cut up in the fridge. I was supposed to make the soup the day before, but got waylaid by a trip out to O'Sheas with Paul and Jordan. Perhaps a wrong call there, as when I went to turn the cucumbers that I bought Saturday afternoon into pickles this afternoon, I found them rotting! Ack. So, instead of calling Michelle to make a date for gardening tomorrow, I ended up running back out to Thomas Brothers (farmers market) to get more cucmbers, only to find them done for the season. A lot of running, for naught.

I finally slowed down enough to pick up T and R from daycare with a quick gab in to David. T's suggestion of pizza for dinner was well received, so "Monsters Inc" entertained us while we dined gourmet style. At 7:30 I thought to call Michelle about tomorrow. The phone rang and rang and was finally picked up by Michelle's sister. I knew it wasn't her, but asked anyway. I knew that it was bad, as soon as she said who it was. She said "they" figure Michelle will not make it through the night. Stop

When I got the idea of gardening for people in my head, I knew it could be like this. Or did I? I helped a woman out during her last days. She loved her garden and I just wanted her to still be able to love it, despite not having the strength to give it attention herself. I am so sad right now though. Not that I knew Michelle that well. I did not know her or Murray at all before knocking on their door a month and a half ago. It is such a difficult time of life though. Death is a very hard process. My heart aches for Murray. Michelle was such a strong and positive lady. I am honoured to have met her and been allowed to get to know even a little bit of her. Goodbye Michelle. Be at peace.

Sunday

Rainy afternoon. Sigh. It seems like all it has down for the last week or so is rain. We have fit in some kid fun in between raindrops. This morning the girls and I went to O'Sheas. We were there last weekend with Nancy, David and Ella, but had different company this Sunday. I guess I am testing my strength, as we went with Paul and Jordan. Why do I do this to myself? I did well, smiling and cheery the whole time. Jordan asked Paul if she could get together with the girls for a play date and he called. I have had no communication with him since he texted me that we were over. Why did I agree to spend two seconds with him, let alone an afternoon? For the girls I guess. To test myself, but I am sick of being strong. Every day I tell myself that I will NOT call him. Am I ready for such innocence as a play date? Hmmph, I guess I survived. Yeah to me, I am strong. whipdee

Wednesday

I should be in bed. It is after my bedtime and I always lie in bed flip-flopping for a while before falling asleep. I suspect that I am beginning to dread slipping in between the sheets for that unsuspecting enemy to pounce (my brain!). All the things I avoid by doing fun things like vacuuming, laundry, canning and coffee surface when I try to turn off for the night.

"what am I going to do tomorrow?"
"What am I going to be when I grow up?"
"When am I not going to be lonely all the time and be happy with my own company?"

That is a hard one. They are all hard actually, but the last one seems to dictate how the other ones will go. I had a good conversation over my coffee today with a sage man who has entered my life. Ron has been married for almost 40 years and has seen much good and bad in his life. He has had many doubts and battles, victories and stalemates. He is another person who believes in me. I have people in my life that are my champions. They think I am a wonderful person and wonder why I don't too. Why don't I? I am kind and generous to those around me. I seem to even have my kids fooled into thinking that. I view the world as a good place, where the potential to learn surrounds us. I try to think generously of most people. Our faults are a product of our environment and history and do not make us bad people. Everyone has redeeming features. Even me. I am a beautiful person. Yes, I am. This is me testing the waters to see if I believe this. I think there is merit in my praise, but am just not comfortable with loving kindness. This is my stumbling block that I need to work on. When I can offer myself loving kindness, the world will open to me. I know it. Really, the only one that matters out there is me. Once I love me, then I will be comfortable with all the love that the world has to offer. I can accomplish much with that love.

So the problem? I am scared. I am stuck behind a habit of not loving me. It comes with grief, but I suspect there is more there. Time is offering me insights.

Tonight, I need to sleep. That will help me be kind to me tomorrow. The sigh ends the day...

Autumn

Autumn can be a beautiful time of year. The falling leaves are pretty and litter my house, due to another lover of nature in my midst. Last year, T's cubby at daycare had no bottom, for the leaves that accumulated there. I can spy two pretty red, yellow and green maple leaves tucked under a toddler chair from where I sit. Goodbye summer!

The weather has changed. Fall has definitely arrived. Time for the shorts to say goodbye for another season. The sweaters and dreaded socks must be pulled on. All the canning I have done this fall should have been an indicator, but the wind and clouds have blown away my smiles. I am going into hibernation. Inaction seems to be creeping in. A few more batches of canned treats to make, just to fill the hours.

How come I cannot just wake up when my life returns to spring? So much work. I do not feel like I have the strength or will to make it happen today. Maybe another day.

Credo

This is taken from something offered to me at a favourite place of mine; Wellspring. They have been a centre of love and healing for me. I have leaned on them in time of need. They give back with smiles and hugs. They let me know I am not alone and I am worthy. That resonates with me today. Here is the credo:

CREDO
I believe grief is a process that involves a lot of time, energy and determination. I won't get over "it" in a hurry, so don't rush me!

I believe grief is intensely personal. This is my grief. Don't tell me how I should be doing it. Don't tell me what's right or what's wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time.

I believe grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally, socially and mentally. If I'm not acting like my old self, it's because I'm not my old self and some days even I don't understand myself.

I believe I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be part of my life and influence me until the day I die.

I believe I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren't. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to, are now important. I think a new "ME" is emerging, so don't be surprised - and don't stand in the way.