Given er - New Year's Purge

   After spending New Year's Eve at my sister's house, I was weak and listless. Ah the beauty of a ahem h a n g o v e r to allow one to sit and do absolutely nothing for the day. I can never sit still for that long on a regular basis. We returned home yesterday afternoon and today has been a whirlwind of activity. Back to real life! To look at my living room or kitchen counters you still cannot tell, but I spent the morning givin er in the cleaning department. Laundry has been going constantly and the dishwasher is on its dry cycle. I mopped the kitchen floor and even swished the mop around a few other rooms. The recycling bins are jammed full as are the garbages. This week is finally garbage day again (we are on a 6-day cycle, not including weekends) and we get to put out unlimited garbage. I think I just might finally get rid of some items that have been taking up space in the thought that perhaps one day I will fix them, reuse them or re-purpose them. Some items have been waiting a long time and I think it is TIME. Goodbye old kiddie pool with a hole in it! So long lovely carpet that I could perhaps get the stink of cat pee out of, but know will never be the same. Perhaps I will even call up the OCPF to see if they will come collect some reusable items. They usually call about 4X per year to see if I have any donations, but I think I will beat them to it this year. Toys the kids no longer play with and have had no interest on kijiji. Old clothes that cannot be passed on to a next generation of babies, as the younger set is now male and his Daddy won't allow him in all the pink from all the older girls. PURGE, purge, purge! The Christmas tree will finally get undecorated tomorrow when the girls are back at school and Christmas will disappear from the house. I want my house back. I feel surrounded and am going to fling it all away. Watch out or an old housecoat will slap you in the face in my frenzy! Beware the baby socks that are marching towards the door. They will mow you down and aren't stopping. It takes everything I've got to get up the will to attack it all. Deep breath. Here I go again. Wish me strength. I hope I make it back. Goodbye!

J & G: part III

Today lint is the biggest part of tattered pockets. Fight the man, but the stomach growls that somebody better feed it soon. How to run pennies together into sustenance? I will work for the joy of working. I will work for food. I will work for shelter. I will work for today, as today is all that I have. I am not ready to face tomorrow. My yesterdays are all past and stay there. Please. So I manage to gladly strain my back for the day. I get promises of more for tomorrow and possibly tomorrow. This is as far as I can go. It is good. Groceries grace my world and my friend’s tables. Music plays in my ear and soul. Laugh while the time is right. It is right today. Yes, today is good.

Yesterdays, yesterday awoke badly. They did not understand. They were blinded by the man. How can they not see the evils that they follow? The story thumps again. It is unjust. Why does it unfold again. The pain in my inner heart cannot bear it. No one knows. No one can know. It is ugly and chases me. Those old rough hands tear my world apart again and I run crying as the child I always will be. I am a man. How can I fill these shoes, so large. I do not understand how they ever got so big. When did I grow up? How come I did not become wise, as we are all supposed to be. When will I be a wise old sage? I aspire, but alas the elixirs I imbibe only hope in a blink. Sage goes in the turkey. Stuff me when I am done.

***

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve.

A day to ponder the year past and a year yet to come. I have been planning a jaunt to my sister's for the night, but really have not thought too much about the "New Year" part of it. I usually will write up a summary of the year past in my journal, but the book has been sorely ill-used as of late. Poor thing has lost some of its glam to my BLOG pages. All good.

So where was I last year at this time? I was in a fledgling relationship, the first since Brad's death. It was exciting and nerve-wracking. The promise was there, but things were moving slow. Hmmm, what can I say about that one? This fledgling romance has sputtered and died, sputtered and reignited, sputtered and died again. I debate making a new year's resolution to let the thing just die already and be done with it, but leave it sit where it wants for now.

The year past saw me continue with renovations around the house. My basement was beautified and became a much more kid-friendly space. My emotional self hit an unexpected roller coaster ride. The spring had me grappling with who I was and what I had to offer to the world. The answers were coming up bleak at the time. The only remedy was a road trip. It took on epic proportions (well epic if you look through the eyes of four children aged 2, 4, 7 & 9). I expected to have massive epiphanies and peace-filling moments. It did not quite happen like that, but I did come home to a different space. Somehow, somewhere along the way I felt me and discovered that I liked me. I somehow found worth at the end of the summer. It may sound horrible, but I was shocked. To be fair, I was pleased. "I" deserved "me" time and life picked up smiles. I have found them twisted up in Yogic poses and lost in sonic drums. My book nook expanded and a gaggle of girls (women really) were slated into my monthly "me" outings.

Hmm, so what did I learn this year? What did I find? I think I found me. I found a new version of me that I quite like in fact. I am still working on filling in some holes and tweaking the self-confidence some more, but by year's end, my greatest success was shining up my halo and turning over my frown. Not too shabby. I didn't think there was much to 2009 at the beginning of this post, but I guess it wasn't half bad...

friendship

So the evening wound down by the fireside.

Quiet activities stilled busy minds and bodies.

And two little girls were trundled off to bed.

Giggles filled them and stirred them,

 but warmth finally found them and took them off to dream land

And I sat watching the fire quietly burning

Appreciating the beauty of life

and friendships

 

Run, run, run

   Ah, I finally sit. What a whirlwind day. It is not done yet of course, but much got accomplished in the hours past thus far. A new camera was purchased for me, so hopefully a few new pics will grace my blog! Oh and of course I will get to snap some new pics of my babies. Just in time for the New Year! I took care of our kitties by making sure their tummies are always full. Hungry tummies make for grumpiness, be they mine or the cats', so more food it is! To slap a morning face on, a stop at the coffee shop to pick up some java was in order as well. All this was done while my girls played for a few hours at daycare. Run, run, run! They rejoined me for a trip to the dentist. "Look Mom. NO  cavities!" We all got a polish and are sporting shiny pearly whites this aft. Just in time for a play-date/sleep over party for my eldest. A brief stop (1 1/2 hours! how did that happen?!) at the grocery store (looking for a DVD player in electronics) was snuck in before Victoria arrived. Now I just have to sit back and hope they all play nice and don't cause me too many gray hairs before they fall asleep tonight. I suspect there will be a few warnings before the girl's  eyes finally close, but I am okay with that. They have not seen each other since June when we were on our road trip out West. Lots to catch up on, I'm sure. At almost 5 years old, they have been having sleepovers for almost three years! Crazy and beautiful. So I will pour myself a nightcap or maybe two this evening as the little ones giggle and whisper. In between stern looks and warnings I will smile and hope these memories stay with them, as they will for me. Have fun and play little ones...