Rainy November Day

It was cool and rainy this afternoon. The chill has slipped into my bones and I feel lethargy creeping in as well. Dinner is a kid-friendly affair (chicken fingers, fries and carrot sticks from the farmer's market to add a healthy edge), as I do not have the energy to encourage eating for an hour. No fights please! I suspect a bath might be in order this evening to give the feel of a warm hug around me. Fire logs might even grace the hearth for the first time this season. I still have not got around to getting any real wood, so make do on a chilly evening. My therapeutic touch class this afternoon was lovely as always, but I think it unravelled an emotional hiccup in me. I feel low energy. Take care of me tonight. Loving kindness. I offer a kiss to my heart centre and hope that my love will sustain til bedtime. The dinner bell rings...

Drum circle

As the rhythms still flow I will pen a few words. This evening was my drumming circle. It is a little gift to me and I absolutely love it. My personal rhythm is not always all it could be, but when I sit in a group of like-minded people and we all listen and play a beautiful heart beat comes out. Layers of tones slide into strategically placed tings and dongs to make a lovely esoteric vibration. I love being a part of our little trance session that transports us all out of our busy reality. I can step out of my shoes and step into my heart and let it sing. There are resonant vibrations and drum beats that help one remove from your head and just feel. I am surprised by not only how much I respond, but how everyone appreciates the gift we create and offer up to ourselves. It is truly beautiful and special. It is another step in healing that cleans the inside heartaches away, if only for a spell.  Thank you to my special friend Randolph for bringing this experience into my life and being a part of my life. One man that believes in life and me. He pushes me to believe in me. Smiles for us my friend ...

That darn positive angel is wrong tonight, but she won't leave me alone regardless

Sometimes such beautiful words and thoughts spring forth when I metaphorically put pen to paper. I do love my actual pen and paper, but my blog space has served up some interesting thoughts and reads as of late. Some nights, like tonight, I feel heavy of heart and not pleased with myself. Tonight my blues have no real clues. I had a day of uncertainty in self, feeling not good enough and making wrong decisions left and right. I see failings and incompetencies and wallow near the pool of tears I keep on hand for occasions such as these. Tomorrow may sprout rainbows and hugs and pats on the back, but I cannot let my backslides and inadequacies go. Is there comfort in allowing me to never be good enough? No. It just is. I allow me to be or not be what I wish I could be. I wish I were stronger, better, calmer, more. My guardian angel chastises me and reminds me that if I were listening to someone else I would not accept dismal thoughts or words, but point out positives hidden everywhere. The words are dull tonight. As am I. Worthy of  bed and not much else tonight. Perhaps tomorrow will offer refreshment and return a positive spin. Let it go. night

Healing

Painted hands typing tapping.
Why do I let the door drift open
to phone calls with pain at the end?
I know that a fleeting smile
will quickly be erased by the lonely ache of yesterday.
Yesterday's yesterday becomes golden
gilded in empty words
and empty arms.

The haunting music

touches my inner voice

where my soul cries at injustices of the world.

Why? why

"Why not", is a voice that pokes me into tomorrow

Tomorrow holds promises not yet told.

I can see smiles and laughter

My penance for the tears I offered up

A pain I cradle in my heart

a soft pain now

a forever pain that I gladly hold up for eyes to see.

So many tears

"See, look I survived! Strength."

That is not how it happened, but you don't need to know.

Gods hands hold a healing heart.

Unseasonable Smiles

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining with nary a cloud in the sky. The temperature was an unseasonable 17 degrees that was reminiscent of the summer that mostly wasn't. We were lazy and lounged most of the morning. The girls laughed and kicked in the leaves at the curb as I packed the van for our trip to Grandma's. T-shirts were sported. A lovely day for a drive, so a long cut was taken. Country roads graced us with scenes of farmer's fields, lonesome cows and the last of the motorcyclists wheeling with wind in their faces. Brad rode shotgun, as a map loosely guided the van vaguely east. The Indigo Girls crooned in my ear and I was in my glory.

Until my cell beeped at me. Two missed calls, one from my Mother and one from Billy. "Where are you? Your mother is worried sick about you," a text accused. I was jarred back into present time, which was surprisingly late. My random drive and serene sunshine were abandoned for a trek back to the highway at a much faster pace. Accusing tones figured I had drank too much the night before or met someone that distracted me; neither true. I was enjoying the day in my own world, in my own head. "She must be off on a reiki train," they scoffed. I was relegated to the couch and barely made it to the adult table. "It does not matter", droned in my head. I am tired today though. Not enough sleep. Not enough normal for my family. Where do I belong? My own head seems to give my family worry. Sigh....