Sunday, January 10, 2010

Love

   Grief. What does it mean to me today? It has been a close personal friend of mine over the last two years, but has graced me with its presence at other points in my life as well. Today, it is a badge I can say I have worn with ... not pride. No. I can say I survived with pride. Or I am surviving. The new year brings with it some old familiar twists in my life. Spasms that are not pleasant, but can anticipate, therefore hopefully not be as bad. Last year near this time, I was beginning to anticipate an upcoming stress. I tried to head it off by becoming busy, but only succeeded in flailing and floundering. The stress I knew about piled on "should's" by the yard, but it was an anniversary that I had not anticipated that threatened to wash me away. I tried to face expectations, but just managed to pile them over top of me until I could not breathe. I was trying to take on life and I was not ready. I had been handling all the life I could, and the should I threw at myself pushed me to the edge. I broke, but I reached out a hand and grabbed onto whatever lifeline I could. I was told to be kind. I was offered prayers of peace. I was reminded that this was grief. The wave would recede. I would survive. It was bad, but it was a lesson. Next time, perhaps I could anticipate better. Reach out for help. Not feel alone. There are people there.
   Many have walked through the dark tunnel of grief. It is something we do not talk about. We should. I am constantly surprised by how hard this journey is. Many, many, many moons ago I remember sitting in Wellspring (a wonderful Cancer support centre) after a yoga class. It was my first yoga session after Brad died. A few ladies convinced me to join them for tea after class, as they could see I was upset. They asked me what my story was. I felt sick. It was not my "story"! It was my life! It was raw and more than I could bear. Indeed, it has turned into my story to tell though. It has been a painful story and it is not over yet. I do not have so much pain any more, but I still struggle with who I am and where I am going. This, I am learning, is a common thread though. Sharing my experiences helps me. It not only helps me though. I know my sharing has given others hope and strength where little has been. No one can make all the pain go away. You must walk your path. You must pick up and look at everything along the path of your grief. It is hard work. It takes a long time. Relationships are hard work though and they take time to establish as well. It should not be surprising that grief can cause suffering for so long. We have lost someone that means something to us. One person can fill so many parts of our life. That means that we need to wade through, find all those pieces, accept and mourn every single one of those pieces we have lost. It is a lot of work. It hurts, but for me it has brought great love.
   So why this path today? Is it because I had dinner with my Aunt who is suffering through her own loss? Is it because an anticipated stressor is coming back to the table again? Or is it my little notebook that travelled in my purse last year catching snippets of my life on the fly, that fell across my table this morning and revealed pieces of painful me last year? Or is it just because this is who I am? Grief has touched me. It is a part of me and always will be. I will not always be actively grieving, but my grief will be there forever. I grieve my father, who I could have been, my husband, who we were supposed to be and what we were supposed to have and I grieve the loss of me and who I was. There is a new me that I work on every day. Some days it is not hard. Many days were. Today I reflect.

7 comments:

  1. I love the fact that, despite writing so eloquently on the theme of grief, you have titled this post "LOVE". That says more about you than you realize, I think.

    Hugs to you, today and always.
    xo

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  2. *tear*
    You are an inspiration to all those around you!
    ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  3. I do not walk alone. The people who cross my path have all held my hand at one point or another. Thank you

    ReplyDelete
  4. Be like the headland against which the waves break and break: it stands firm, until presently the watery tumult around it subsides once more to rest. 'How unlucky I am, that this should have happened to me!' By no means; say, rather, 'How lucky I am that this has left me with no sorrow; unshaken by the present, and undismayed by the future.

    This thing could have happened to anyone, but not everyone would have emerged unembittered. Can someone call anything at all a misfortune, if it is not a contravention of his nature; and can it be a contravention of his nature if it is not against that nature's will? Does this thing which has happened hinder you from being just, magnanimous, temperate, judicious, discreet, truthful, self-respecting, independent, and all else by which a person's nature comes to fulfillment?

    -- Marcus Aurelius

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  5. Thank you for your insights. I do feel I have come through this experience and I do not ask "why me", but still remember. I feel flattered by the positive images put forth of me. I survive, because I have to. I want to. This was not always the case, but I try to keep going and keep looking to find smiles again. They are precious. I bow my head to your compliments. Thank you

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  6. When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
    When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
    Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries n everybody hurts sometimes

    Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
    When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
    If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
    If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

    'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
    Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
    If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

    If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
    When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

    Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
    Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
    And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
    Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
    Everybody hurts. You are not alone.

    The darker the night the more radiant the dawn. The more tortured the soul the sweeter experience of it's liberation.

    We share our hurts, our pains, our torments. We endure. We emerge stronger. We grow. We love.

    ReplyDelete
  7. When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
    When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
    Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries n everybody hurts sometimes

    Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
    When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
    If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
    If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

    'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
    Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
    If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

    If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
    When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

    Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
    Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
    And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
    Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
    Everybody hurts. You are not alone

    The darker the night the more radiant the dawn. The more tortured the soul the sweeter its liberation.

    ReplyDelete

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