Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Excerpt from a chat with a special friend

October 7
9:17pm Cristie

DID YOU find out about your lady friend?

9:17pm Katherine

yes, she died last night

9:17pm Cristie

9:18pm Katherine
I found out when i went to Wellspring for yoga today

9:18pm Cristie
Her husband must be really upset

9:18pm Katherine
one of the volunteers grabbed me as soon as I walked in and took me to the back room to tell me.

I haven't talked to him.

He would be really busy this week.

He won't have time to really crash until later

He is starting on a really shitty path.

9:19pm Cristie
how come

9:20pm Katherine>It is somehow worse than when the person is dying

9:20pm Cristie
as in dealing with her death path?

9:21pm Katherine
Grief, when it comes to the loss of a spouse is difficult as it encompasses so many levels. Death of the person, your hopes and dreams of the future, your identity (you used to be A and B, now you are just A)and so much more

When they are dying it is hard and stressful, but the person is still there

9:22pm Cristie
yes, i can understand that

Are you still as upset as you once were??

or is it a different level now of grief?

9:26pm Katherine
Grief takes a long time to work through. There are so many things to process and accept. The hardest part is making a new life. The first year is acute grief over the loss of the person. After that it turns into loss of self and life as you knew it and figuring out how to put the pieces back together again to a new puzzle. Different pieces to the same puzzle. They don't fit the same way and you have to discard some pieces and find new ones. A lot of work.

9:27pm Cristie

Are you still trying to put pieces together?

9:28pm Katherine
oh yeah

9:28pm Cristie

do you still cry everyday?

or miss him as you once did

9:29pm Katherine
ha, I have a long way to go yet until I can say the new path is sturdy under my feet

9:30pm Katherine
Brad will always be a part of my life. He is no longer here in the flesh and I miss him terribly sometimes, but I know he is not coming back. I cannot change that.

Sometimes something little will set me off or I will just get tired and frustrated at having to do everything alone

that is my lot in life right now though

I am meeting new people who are positive influences on my life and becoming happier with who I am or at least not hating me

I am learning how to love myself again

9:33pm Cristie
That is important

9:33pm Katherine
This is all much harder work than I ever thought it would be. A lot longer too.

9:34pm Cristie
I can't imagine how hard.........

9:36pm Katherine
It takes so long to fight your way through the haze of physical grief. Then coming to the realization that there is still so much more to do is staggering.

I don't want to do it all

9:37pm Katherine
I wish I could just go and be normal, but my life is on a completely different path and I am learning that I have to sit down and face it if i am to take that next step and move on

I felt like our conversation had a lot of good questions and valid insights. I do not claim to know it all. I just know my path. Writing it down helps me to look at it myself and perhaps know and understand better. Whether anyone reads this or not is a mute point if catharsis is the goal. Thanks for offering me your time if you read this though.


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