J & G: part III

Today lint is the biggest part of tattered pockets. Fight the man, but the stomach growls that somebody better feed it soon. How to run pennies together into sustenance? I will work for the joy of working. I will work for food. I will work for shelter. I will work for today, as today is all that I have. I am not ready to face tomorrow. My yesterdays are all past and stay there. Please. So I manage to gladly strain my back for the day. I get promises of more for tomorrow and possibly tomorrow. This is as far as I can go. It is good. Groceries grace my world and my friend’s tables. Music plays in my ear and soul. Laugh while the time is right. It is right today. Yes, today is good.

Yesterdays, yesterday awoke badly. They did not understand. They were blinded by the man. How can they not see the evils that they follow? The story thumps again. It is unjust. Why does it unfold again. The pain in my inner heart cannot bear it. No one knows. No one can know. It is ugly and chases me. Those old rough hands tear my world apart again and I run crying as the child I always will be. I am a man. How can I fill these shoes, so large. I do not understand how they ever got so big. When did I grow up? How come I did not become wise, as we are all supposed to be. When will I be a wise old sage? I aspire, but alas the elixirs I imbibe only hope in a blink. Sage goes in the turkey. Stuff me when I am done.

***

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve.

A day to ponder the year past and a year yet to come. I have been planning a jaunt to my sister's for the night, but really have not thought too much about the "New Year" part of it. I usually will write up a summary of the year past in my journal, but the book has been sorely ill-used as of late. Poor thing has lost some of its glam to my BLOG pages. All good.

So where was I last year at this time? I was in a fledgling relationship, the first since Brad's death. It was exciting and nerve-wracking. The promise was there, but things were moving slow. Hmmm, what can I say about that one? This fledgling romance has sputtered and died, sputtered and reignited, sputtered and died again. I debate making a new year's resolution to let the thing just die already and be done with it, but leave it sit where it wants for now.

The year past saw me continue with renovations around the house. My basement was beautified and became a much more kid-friendly space. My emotional self hit an unexpected roller coaster ride. The spring had me grappling with who I was and what I had to offer to the world. The answers were coming up bleak at the time. The only remedy was a road trip. It took on epic proportions (well epic if you look through the eyes of four children aged 2, 4, 7 & 9). I expected to have massive epiphanies and peace-filling moments. It did not quite happen like that, but I did come home to a different space. Somehow, somewhere along the way I felt me and discovered that I liked me. I somehow found worth at the end of the summer. It may sound horrible, but I was shocked. To be fair, I was pleased. "I" deserved "me" time and life picked up smiles. I have found them twisted up in Yogic poses and lost in sonic drums. My book nook expanded and a gaggle of girls (women really) were slated into my monthly "me" outings.

Hmm, so what did I learn this year? What did I find? I think I found me. I found a new version of me that I quite like in fact. I am still working on filling in some holes and tweaking the self-confidence some more, but by year's end, my greatest success was shining up my halo and turning over my frown. Not too shabby. I didn't think there was much to 2009 at the beginning of this post, but I guess it wasn't half bad...

friendship

So the evening wound down by the fireside.

Quiet activities stilled busy minds and bodies.

And two little girls were trundled off to bed.

Giggles filled them and stirred them,

 but warmth finally found them and took them off to dream land

And I sat watching the fire quietly burning

Appreciating the beauty of life

and friendships

 

Run, run, run

   Ah, I finally sit. What a whirlwind day. It is not done yet of course, but much got accomplished in the hours past thus far. A new camera was purchased for me, so hopefully a few new pics will grace my blog! Oh and of course I will get to snap some new pics of my babies. Just in time for the New Year! I took care of our kitties by making sure their tummies are always full. Hungry tummies make for grumpiness, be they mine or the cats', so more food it is! To slap a morning face on, a stop at the coffee shop to pick up some java was in order as well. All this was done while my girls played for a few hours at daycare. Run, run, run! They rejoined me for a trip to the dentist. "Look Mom. NO  cavities!" We all got a polish and are sporting shiny pearly whites this aft. Just in time for a play-date/sleep over party for my eldest. A brief stop (1 1/2 hours! how did that happen?!) at the grocery store (looking for a DVD player in electronics) was snuck in before Victoria arrived. Now I just have to sit back and hope they all play nice and don't cause me too many gray hairs before they fall asleep tonight. I suspect there will be a few warnings before the girl's  eyes finally close, but I am okay with that. They have not seen each other since June when we were on our road trip out West. Lots to catch up on, I'm sure. At almost 5 years old, they have been having sleepovers for almost three years! Crazy and beautiful. So I will pour myself a nightcap or maybe two this evening as the little ones giggle and whisper. In between stern looks and warnings I will smile and hope these memories stay with them, as they will for me. Have fun and play little ones...

Holiday pause

   I have finally had a chance to read a few blogs that I have not had a chance to peruse over the hectic holidays. It is almost like not having time for dear friends or myself. I love getting together with family, but I have a kinship with the people that let me into their lives via a blog. The blogs I read inspire me to be creative, touch me in a spiritual manner, help me appreciate nature, bring forth the camaraderie of Motherhood and friendship. Blog-world has become a new friend in my life and I am happy when I get to see someone with a new post or new pictures to share or I discover someone new that makes me laugh. That kinship was unexpected when someone suggested writing a blog back in the spring. All I wanted was to write, perhaps make some money at it if I was lucky. Well, I have made no money, but I have found a voice. I rather enjoy the words that flow out of me. They are not always awe-inspiring, but I know that they do get read by the occasional person. That is kind of cool. I like it.
   My thoughts originally were going to be about the sadness that people feel at this time of year. So many gather together and feast and frolic. When a face is missing around the table we have pause. Their presence is felt and missed. We certainly have a few seats missing around our festive feasts. No one can replace my Bradley that was in charge of "flipping the bird" at Leslie's and of course the carving of said bird afterwards. No offence Jamie, but you don't hold a candle to him in my books. I almost grabbed the knife myself, as I often feel Brad's presence within me, but I let it go and faded into another room. Brad's spirit lives on and he was seen in my mind's eye in all the spaces where I had seen him before. You are not forgotten Brad and never will be.
   My cousin was also active in thoughts at her second Christmas visiting in spirit, but not body. I slept in her room and had her smiling face looking over me and  filling my dreams. Her parents still have tears in their eyes, but at the back of them if you look. It is hard to not see the cherished ones that we love and will love forever. They are still at our elbows and in our hearts. I left a small bottle of rye for my hubby and told him to "rip it up and give em hell" on Christmas Eve. I can smile at him now, but feel for the friends that I have that are going through their first Christmas without their significant others. A coffee date a few days before Christmas with a friend that lost his common-law wife a few months ago reminded me to be kind over the holidays. Life is precious and brief. His eyes still hold disbelief of what his life looks like and feels like. It is not right or fair, but it is what is meant to be for whatever reason. Peace will come eventually, but it takes time, patience and love.
   My tears came when I had the pleasure to see a friend in town for the holidays. The holidays always speed up into a chaotic whirlwind. I was able to meet my girlfriend for dinner and a movie and was thrilled to see her smiling face. We openly held hands and embraced constantly. She is a dear friend that touched my soul with her unquestioning love and the support she offered while my husband was sick and dying. She can laugh and be crude one moment and drop everything to hold my hand so I can cry the next. When she moved away after my husband died I was devastated and mourn her loss still. She is a pure soul. I held her with tears streaming down my checks as we parted in the parking lot of a movie theatre. She is still alive and still a friend, but our time has changed. Our brief window with which to visit highlighted for both of us the sometimes cruel passing of time. We held each other and missed each other as our eyes feasted for the lean times that we know lie ahead. That is the mystery of Christmas that brings the smiles and feeds the sorrows. We rejoice for what we have and remiss for what we have lost.
   So I close with a cheers to friends and family no longer with us, but also with love and peace offered to the friends that I still have. May you find your peace  and love my blogging friends and thank you for letting me into your lives.