Saturday, March 19, 2011

Saturday's Email of the Week: Something for Me to Look Forward To - groan...

This one is for the ladies, but I am sure that it might get a giggle from you menfolk. They say you are supposed to start getting Mammograms at 40. After reading this email, I can't wait.


While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
say,  "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances." 

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to
hear those extenuating circumstances."  I did too so, I listened as the
lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
  ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt
a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a
snag." Then she headed for the door. 

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.. 

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!



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