Thursday, January 13, 2011

Journalling

Journals have always been a part of my life. They have been a friend, space for thoughts and poems, testing ground for new ideas, as well as the interminable lists that reign my life as of late. I still have several that I kept from back in high school and have three actively on the go at present. One lives on my beside table, the other journeys with me in the car, keeping me company in coffee shops and while waiting for appointments. The last is more for work, where I hastily jot down ideas that are suggested for new directions of projects by my "Boss Lady". She is a phenomenal whirlwind of ideas and I have to desperately catch the thoughts that spring from her like a fountain. I listen, understand, but without some kind of notes, am hard pressed to have all the fine details later when I need to plug away at something in the comfort of my own home. That journal should be a tome, but unfortunately always seems to be lacking that tiny sprig of information that I need right NOW.

Journals have helped pave the way to my African stories that I share here with you lovely people, as well. I brought home three journals from my trip and they help to feed details into the story that I am breathing to life. Without my journals, I would have lost little details that bring my journey back fresh as day for me, and subsequently you. My scribbles are priceless to me.

Journals have also soaked up many, many tears through the years of my husband's illness and beyond. Grief filled pages as the only outlet that I could turn to where I was safe. Of course, that isn't completely true, but in the depths of my sorrows I felt vastly small and alone. Getting all of the hard and poisonous thoughts out of my head and onto paper helped me to see them, understand them better and in many cases, let them go. Those journals will travel with me, bringing me insight and reminding me of the long road I have travelled in darker days. That road is life and it continues still, but new journals have taken their place.

While I now often find myself at the computer writing poetry and prose, I still value my journals. In the pages of my journals, I can be kind or cruel to me, as the season fits. I am not perfect, and am often my worst critic, but in releasing this to a journal, I sometimes find release to myself. Stepping back onto the yoga mat this morning reminded me that I need to be kind to myself and make time for me. Allowing myself space to breathe, and also write, is key to my survival. I am flesh and blood, and my pen bleeds emotions over the page. I need this. It balances me.

Today's journal entry looked back at grief. Over breakfast my 5 year-old declared that losing a partner was worse than losing a child. She noted that losing a partner meant that the remaining parent had to do everything themselves, like taking out the garbage, making meals (with a little help from the kids once in a while), and everything. Her statement is absolutely right and she knows it from watching me day in and day out, but I gently reminded her that losing a child was equally devastating. I reminded her of my aunt who lost a daughter and how she might be able to rhyme off several reasons why that was worse. A child represents the future and the best of you, but I don't need to go into that further here. Everyone's grief is different, none better or worse than another. I will just say, that the fact that she is processing this aspect of grief makes me sad, and makes me wonder if she feels like a burden tied around my neck. I don't really think so, but the thought crossed my mind. She is such a serious child. She reminds me so much of myself. Trying to fill the role of little mother, when she/I knew that the need was there. Doing the utmost to make me happy and proud (in hopes of staving off those tears that reigned for so long?). Her view of the world through my grief was probably worse than losing her father at the time. She lost him physically, but her remaining parent swirled out of control on a wave of never-ending tears. Any time a tear comes to my eye or slides down my check now, she questions why and what it is for. Both my girls do. That is my reality though.

So, what is the point today? Do you journal? Do you have thoughts in your head that swirl around making you crazy, sad, confused or numb? Don't we all at some point or another? My journal, while sometimes waxing and waning, has been my best friend, companion and lifeline for as long as I can remember. It does not critique your grammar, spelling or punctuation. It takes your thoughts without judgement and allows you them. If you are ever in a difficult spot in your life, give it a try sometime. You don't have to keep it forever or even for the day. A napkin can act as journal space to help you unjumble thoughts, and then be tossed in the refuse after you are done with it. No one is the wiser, but you. Some day, it might even save your life. Try it, you might find you like it. It is all about you...

9 comments:

  1. i have journals going all the way back to the eight grade. I once tried to throw them out (damn them, and their incriminating tales!), but rescued them at the eleventh hour. They are the "me" that I would have forgotten otherwise, and valuable even when the words are not.

    PS - I think that your daughter's statements on losing a partner show a remarkable empathy for you and an appreciation for all that you do...wise beyond her years, that one. My 10-y-o is not half as aware of all that is done for him. xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. i have journaled for years...some days it comes out in verse...others little notes...every once in a while i go back and read them to see where i came from...see how i have grown or fallen...i dont know what to say on the other...i can hardly imagine either loss...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I also journal. I have journals from when I was 13 on...however, I will admit my blog has become my journal. Maybe its time to get a new book..

    ReplyDelete
  4. Excellent post, Katherine! And so beautifully shared and expressed. You have such a wonderful way with words, dear lady. Truly, you do!

    I have a box full of journals that I wrote in for years and years. And every so often, I will go back and read what I wrote, how I felt, what I was going through at the time, and it's such wonderful therapy!

    Like you, I've gotten so use to using a computer to journal my thoughts, but it's not quite the same, is it? There is something about taking a pen to paper and writing it out long-hand, that somehow makes expressing my feelings and thoughts more clearly.

    So, thank you for the reminder! I will start journalling!

    Even though I'm not a parent, I cannot begin to tell you how devistating it is to me, when I hear that a parent lost a child. I don't know why, but I just feel that loss deep within my soul. Losing anyone is tough, however losing a child to a parent, has to be the toughest.

    Have a wonderful weekend, Katherine!

    X

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Me: Don't ever throw them out C! They are a snpashot of you and hold so many images and pictures of the past. Even bad memories are worht remembering, as those are sometimes the ones that we learn the most from.

    And as for T, I think she is an old soul, that one. I am amazed by her insights and all that she soaks up. She is a great teacher for ME!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Brian: Every life is big and monumental to the one that lives it Brian. You do not have to go through extremes to define your life as better or worse. Your life is your own and writing down a piece of it is a gift to self. There is always growth to be had.

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Debbie: My bog takes up many of my words and that is alright, but I just love cracking open a journal. It is one of my few luxuries; to sit with coffee beside me while I pen down that moments thoughts. Plus, there is something satisfying about physically scratching out words and re-wording them, only to re-read original texts through the first. It might not always be the most practical or easy on the shoulder, but I have 3-4 pens (plus a few crayons) in my purse and something to write on at all times.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Ron: "There is something about taking a pen to paper and writing it out long-hand, that somehow makes expressing my feelings and thoughts more clearly."

    There is indeed Ron. It is for your own eyes, therefore freer in voice, to some extent. And yes, you should grab a new journal to start the new year with! Even if it is only an occasional entry, it is soo satisfying to remark to self that "I wrote in my journal today!" Well, at least it is for me anyway. There are a few journallers out there yet it would seem them, so write on my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great post-- i am reading it w/ coffee on a Rio morning. I look back at old journals sometimes-- most are trips-- but post-divorce alot of it is too sad to read yet. not until I started my blog did I commit to the every-day thing. But now there's always a small moleskine in my bag to catch the line of poetry (although alot of those seem to be on napkins written at red lights), or write a grocery list.

    ReplyDelete

I love comments. Talk to me!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails